for you?"
"The way you stood up to your brothers when no one else wanted to help rescue me."
He waved dismissively. "Ah, that. It's not a big deal."
"That's not what Joe said. He said it was quite the argument."
I walked inside and sat on the surface of the desk. Sebastian was close enough to reach out and touch now, and I had to resist the urge to do just that. I was doing a good job of keeping my fear at bay, but that didn't mean it had fled. It still simmered inside me, waiting for another opportunity to boil over, and the prospect of facing that alone was almost too daunting to consider. Just being near him soothed my shredded nerves.
"You broke the rules for me," I continued. "In a pretty big way, from what I understand."
His gaze was hard, radiating intensity. I could almost feel the conflict playing out inside him . "What else could I have done, Sophia? I couldn't let them take you."
"I thought the group came first."
He hesitated, then shook his head slowly. "So did I."
We sat in silence for a few moments. I think we both knew what was coming. We couldn't avoid discussing our relationship forever. I was still afraid to do so, lest that wound tear open inside me again, but knowing what he'd done gave me a glimmer of hope. Maybe, somehow, there was a way through this.
"Sebastian, I—"
"Don't," he said, rising to his feet and putting some distance between us. "We can't do this, Sophia." His voice was sharp, almost pained.
"I have to know," I replied. "What does all of this mean for us?"
He stormed towards me and I jolted backwards. "There is no us. There can't be. You've seen the sort of life I lead. How can you even ask that?"
"I don't know," I said softly. "But I'm asking all the same."
He closed his eyes and swept a hand through his hair. "I nearly got you killed. I don't understand how you're even still talking to me."
A few days ago, I might have agreed with him. Logically I knew I still should. But logic had always taken a back seat where he was concerned. Yes he'd kept things from me, but I now appreciated the full weight of those secrets. Everything he'd done spoke of how much he cared for me, and I couldn't deny that my emotions burned just as strongly. I could hold the situation against him, or I could move on and try to build something to go back to, after it was over.
"I don't blame you, Sebastian. I did in the beginning, but I don't now. You couldn't have known. Yeah, if I hadn't met you, none of this would have happened, but then I'd never have met you and, the truth is, that thought terrifies me far more than any of this."
He stared at me with wide eyes, his expression hovering somewhere between anguish and awe. "How do you do that?" he asked. It was barely more than a whisper. "No matter what I do, no matter how sure I am, you say just the right thing to make me question myself."
A smile crept onto my face. "I'm just that talented, I guess."
His expression softened a fraction, but it didn't last long. "I can't keep making these mistakes, Sophia. It's too dangerous. Sure, I saved you this time, but what about next time? Or the time after? This life offers no guarantees. I won't give it another opportunity to claim you."
"So that's it, then? I don't even get a say?" Moisture rushed to my eyes. "Don't my feelings count for anything?"
"Of course they count," he lamented, although he didn't seem to know how to finish the sentence.
"So if we never had a chance, why tell me all those things then?" I asked. "Why bring me into your world? Why slip into my room at night and comfort me like nothing has changed?"
He shook his head desperately. "I don't know. I don't know."
For a few moments there was silence.
"Do you remember what you said to me over dinner, the first time we went out?" I asked eventually. "'Nothing worth having comes risk free.' Well, that's how I feel now." I got to my feet and moved over to him, taking his hands in mine. "I'm a big girl. I can make my own decisions. I
"The way you stood up to your brothers when no one else wanted to help rescue me."
He waved dismissively. "Ah, that. It's not a big deal."
"That's not what Joe said. He said it was quite the argument."
I walked inside and sat on the surface of the desk. Sebastian was close enough to reach out and touch now, and I had to resist the urge to do just that. I was doing a good job of keeping my fear at bay, but that didn't mean it had fled. It still simmered inside me, waiting for another opportunity to boil over, and the prospect of facing that alone was almost too daunting to consider. Just being near him soothed my shredded nerves.
"You broke the rules for me," I continued. "In a pretty big way, from what I understand."
His gaze was hard, radiating intensity. I could almost feel the conflict playing out inside him . "What else could I have done, Sophia? I couldn't let them take you."
"I thought the group came first."
He hesitated, then shook his head slowly. "So did I."
We sat in silence for a few moments. I think we both knew what was coming. We couldn't avoid discussing our relationship forever. I was still afraid to do so, lest that wound tear open inside me again, but knowing what he'd done gave me a glimmer of hope. Maybe, somehow, there was a way through this.
"Sebastian, I—"
"Don't," he said, rising to his feet and putting some distance between us. "We can't do this, Sophia." His voice was sharp, almost pained.
"I have to know," I replied. "What does all of this mean for us?"
He stormed towards me and I jolted backwards. "There is no us. There can't be. You've seen the sort of life I lead. How can you even ask that?"
"I don't know," I said softly. "But I'm asking all the same."
He closed his eyes and swept a hand through his hair. "I nearly got you killed. I don't understand how you're even still talking to me."
A few days ago, I might have agreed with him. Logically I knew I still should. But logic had always taken a back seat where he was concerned. Yes he'd kept things from me, but I now appreciated the full weight of those secrets. Everything he'd done spoke of how much he cared for me, and I couldn't deny that my emotions burned just as strongly. I could hold the situation against him, or I could move on and try to build something to go back to, after it was over.
"I don't blame you, Sebastian. I did in the beginning, but I don't now. You couldn't have known. Yeah, if I hadn't met you, none of this would have happened, but then I'd never have met you and, the truth is, that thought terrifies me far more than any of this."
He stared at me with wide eyes, his expression hovering somewhere between anguish and awe. "How do you do that?" he asked. It was barely more than a whisper. "No matter what I do, no matter how sure I am, you say just the right thing to make me question myself."
A smile crept onto my face. "I'm just that talented, I guess."
His expression softened a fraction, but it didn't last long. "I can't keep making these mistakes, Sophia. It's too dangerous. Sure, I saved you this time, but what about next time? Or the time after? This life offers no guarantees. I won't give it another opportunity to claim you."
"So that's it, then? I don't even get a say?" Moisture rushed to my eyes. "Don't my feelings count for anything?"
"Of course they count," he lamented, although he didn't seem to know how to finish the sentence.
"So if we never had a chance, why tell me all those things then?" I asked. "Why bring me into your world? Why slip into my room at night and comfort me like nothing has changed?"
He shook his head desperately. "I don't know. I don't know."
For a few moments there was silence.
"Do you remember what you said to me over dinner, the first time we went out?" I asked eventually. "'Nothing worth having comes risk free.' Well, that's how I feel now." I got to my feet and moved over to him, taking his hands in mine. "I'm a big girl. I can make my own decisions. I
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