Read Online Under the Cornerstone by Sasha Marshall - Free Book Online
Authors: Sasha Marshall
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haven’t had the nightmares of the night my stepfather came into my room for years. I’m not really sure I dreamt at all for the last five or six years. The dream of Dr. Webster’s waiting room was the first I remember in quite a while.
I completed several evaluations about myself, rating how I interact with others and feel in different situations. Dr. Webster meets me at her lobby door and escorts me to her office. She was a woman who appears to be in her fifties, short brown hair graying, and an eclectic collection of abnormal psychology books on the shelves surrounding her office.
“What brings you to my office today, Noely?” she asks.
I’d thought of the answer to this question for the week before I made the appointment and the two weeks following, in which I had to wait for today, “I don’t know who I am.”
She chuckles slightly, “I’m assuming you aren’t referring to an amnesiac issue.”
I smile at her statement, “No. I don’t know who I am. I’ve played the parts I’ve been given or felt I had to play for so long, that I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I really am.”
She nods her head, “You’re quite young for mid-life crisis.”
“I know. I don’t think I’m experiencing an early mid-life crisis though. I think I’m waking up.”
My response surprises me, and with a few moments to process my words, I agree with my self-evaluation.
For forty-five minutes, Dr. Webster and I speak about my mother, my childhood, my father, my mother’s death, and the eight months I spent alone with my stepfather. I tell her about Johnny, Jimmy, Rich, and Ryan. I include their families and what life was like for me from the age of twelve until now.
“You have a severe amount of anxiety,” she observes. “Part of this is easily linked to your father’s sudden abandonment. Your stepfather’s personality made you nervous, which caused you to be in a constant state of fear and that produced anxiety. Your mother’s death threw you into a state of chaos and confusion. You stated you felt like an orphan, and Noely you’re right. You have anxieties over abandonment, which is why your friends leaving on this tour has affected you the way it has. You feel abandoned. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, with the people in your life. Abandonment is at the core of your anxieties. You played the part you thought everyone expected you to play. You didn’t rebel as a teenager. You’ve never acted out. You’ve kept all of this anxiety inside and you’ve been so eager to please everyone in your life and to keep them in your life so you always did what you could to please them the most.
You’re fears over going into foster care were valid, but it created this monster inside of your brain that makes you need to feel needed, but contradictorily it makes you afraid to need. Feeling needed by the people who in your mind, rescued you as a child makes you feel worthy and secure. Yet, you still fear that if you act out, disagree, or pursue anything on your own they will abandon you. From what you’ve told me about your relatively adopted family members, I do not foresee them abandoning you for being you. From what you’ve told me, your constructed family structure is filled with artists, creative minds, social anarchists, and those that live on the fringe of what society may deem as unacceptable. They make no qualms about who they are, and I don’t think they would want you to do that.”
“That makes sense,” I chuckle. “So I’m my own worst enemy?”
“Essentially, your anxiety and fear of abandonment are your biggest demons. They are the root of all the troubles you’re having. I think your friends leaving on the tour was what you needed. Their absence will give you some time to discover yourself without feeling as though you may be judged by them. That doesn’t mean they will judge you, but you will fear their judgment and subsequent abandonment.”
“I
I completed several evaluations about myself, rating how I interact with others and feel in different situations. Dr. Webster meets me at her lobby door and escorts me to her office. She was a woman who appears to be in her fifties, short brown hair graying, and an eclectic collection of abnormal psychology books on the shelves surrounding her office.
“What brings you to my office today, Noely?” she asks.
I’d thought of the answer to this question for the week before I made the appointment and the two weeks following, in which I had to wait for today, “I don’t know who I am.”
She chuckles slightly, “I’m assuming you aren’t referring to an amnesiac issue.”
I smile at her statement, “No. I don’t know who I am. I’ve played the parts I’ve been given or felt I had to play for so long, that I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I really am.”
She nods her head, “You’re quite young for mid-life crisis.”
“I know. I don’t think I’m experiencing an early mid-life crisis though. I think I’m waking up.”
My response surprises me, and with a few moments to process my words, I agree with my self-evaluation.
For forty-five minutes, Dr. Webster and I speak about my mother, my childhood, my father, my mother’s death, and the eight months I spent alone with my stepfather. I tell her about Johnny, Jimmy, Rich, and Ryan. I include their families and what life was like for me from the age of twelve until now.
“You have a severe amount of anxiety,” she observes. “Part of this is easily linked to your father’s sudden abandonment. Your stepfather’s personality made you nervous, which caused you to be in a constant state of fear and that produced anxiety. Your mother’s death threw you into a state of chaos and confusion. You stated you felt like an orphan, and Noely you’re right. You have anxieties over abandonment, which is why your friends leaving on this tour has affected you the way it has. You feel abandoned. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, with the people in your life. Abandonment is at the core of your anxieties. You played the part you thought everyone expected you to play. You didn’t rebel as a teenager. You’ve never acted out. You’ve kept all of this anxiety inside and you’ve been so eager to please everyone in your life and to keep them in your life so you always did what you could to please them the most.
You’re fears over going into foster care were valid, but it created this monster inside of your brain that makes you need to feel needed, but contradictorily it makes you afraid to need. Feeling needed by the people who in your mind, rescued you as a child makes you feel worthy and secure. Yet, you still fear that if you act out, disagree, or pursue anything on your own they will abandon you. From what you’ve told me about your relatively adopted family members, I do not foresee them abandoning you for being you. From what you’ve told me, your constructed family structure is filled with artists, creative minds, social anarchists, and those that live on the fringe of what society may deem as unacceptable. They make no qualms about who they are, and I don’t think they would want you to do that.”
“That makes sense,” I chuckle. “So I’m my own worst enemy?”
“Essentially, your anxiety and fear of abandonment are your biggest demons. They are the root of all the troubles you’re having. I think your friends leaving on the tour was what you needed. Their absence will give you some time to discover yourself without feeling as though you may be judged by them. That doesn’t mean they will judge you, but you will fear their judgment and subsequent abandonment.”
“I
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