Read Online Twitterature by Alexander Aciman - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Alexander Aciman
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new friend. I need a new heroic friend. I just feel so . . . lonely.
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He says I have to stay awake for seven days to impress him. Why canʼt I just slay another demon? Killing things is so much easier.
Â
Iʼve failed. Headed home. Life not the same without my Enkidu. There will never be another like him. The greatest bromance of my life.
The Odyssey
by Homer
@IthacaOnMyMind
Â
Dawn and her rose-red fingers fingered herself. Another morning! God, this island is terrible.
Â
Calypso wanted to marry me. Bitch. Who does she think I am? I have a wife! Thank the Gods for allowing my escape.
Â
We landed on an island. Found a cave filled with food. How convenient.
Â
Uh oh. This cave is a giantʼs lair. He has a taste for cheese, and my companions. He also has only one eye. Trying to keep from laughing.
Â
Got him drunk. Put a hot poker in his ONE EYE when he blacked out. That will show him - if he could see. LOL. Time to leave.
Â
Damn. Poseidon pissed. How was I supposed to know One-Eye was his son? What Olympian whore did he sleep with to get an issue like that?
Â
Escaped again. Found another island. Some hot babes up ahead. Iʼm married but itʼs been years. Canʼt hurt. A guy needs to get his freak on.
Â
Circe a nut job. Time to go, but the boat is broken. Canʼt afford AAA tow. Iʼll push it. Circe turned my men into pigs. PIGS. Had a laugh.
On the road/sea again. Heard about some sea monsters up by Sicily? Anybody else hear about this?
Â
@TheTemptations: Nice song girls, but we canʼt stop!@MyMen: Tie me tighter, hurry!
Â
Found sea monster: a billion-headed fucker who totally trashed my ship and killed all the crew. Getting sucked into a whirlpool now. Sigh.
Â
So Iʼm passed out after the accident, lying naked on some rock, and this girl shows up.
Â
Talk about embarrassing, this is worse than when we caught Achilles with his . . . cousin.
Â
These guys can help me, but their wine is MAAAAD strong. I havenʼt been this trashed since Junior Prom.
Â
Finally home. Everything good! Wait, who the fuck are these dudes hitting on Penelope?
Â
@Suitors: You have defiled my house, dishonored the gods, and tried to seduce my wife. TIME TO TASTE MY BLUE STEEL.
Got my lady back thanks to the weird decorating we did. My son is now a man and not a sniveling bitch. All is well. Gosh I am a clever man!
The Picture of Dorian Gray
by Oscar Wilde
@MajorLeagueAesthole
Â
Ah, the light of innocence! My young life! My dear friend Basil wishes to paint me. Ah, but I am so pretty.
Â
Portrait done, but Basil says I cannot see it. Too much of him in it.
Â
Iʼve met his friend Lord Henry. He arranged for me to have the portrait. He seems like a good man.
Â
Spending my days with Lord Henry. He has taught me wit and how to appreciate beauty. This can only improve my life, right?
Â
Sadly my beauty will one day cease. Perhaps I could preserve it by having the doc pull and staple the skin of my face? No. A silly thought.
Â
The portrait looks pretty good in my living room, but how I wish it could magically absorb my flaws so that I may be pretty forever.
Â
My wish came true! The portrait bears the grimace of my malice. Must hide it in my attic. Fantastic! Who said that art was useless?
Â
At the theater. The girl playing Juliet is the best Iʼve ever seen. I think I shall seduce her. After all, I am so very pretty.
Funny: women are the bane of menʼs lives. Loving me has made her acting terrible. Art or life: choose! Except me, I can have both.
Â
@Sibyl: Itʼs over. I donʼt care who knows. Your acting is dreadful now, and I cannot live with a trivial woman. She killed herself. Typical!
Â
People seem put off by my self-absorption. But I canʼt help but tell the truth about my excellence! It is important to be earnest, isnʼt it?
Â
Sorry. I have been away. Got caught up in a sweet book
Â
He says I have to stay awake for seven days to impress him. Why canʼt I just slay another demon? Killing things is so much easier.
Â
Iʼve failed. Headed home. Life not the same without my Enkidu. There will never be another like him. The greatest bromance of my life.
The Odyssey
by Homer
@IthacaOnMyMind
Â
Dawn and her rose-red fingers fingered herself. Another morning! God, this island is terrible.
Â
Calypso wanted to marry me. Bitch. Who does she think I am? I have a wife! Thank the Gods for allowing my escape.
Â
We landed on an island. Found a cave filled with food. How convenient.
Â
Uh oh. This cave is a giantʼs lair. He has a taste for cheese, and my companions. He also has only one eye. Trying to keep from laughing.
Â
Got him drunk. Put a hot poker in his ONE EYE when he blacked out. That will show him - if he could see. LOL. Time to leave.
Â
Damn. Poseidon pissed. How was I supposed to know One-Eye was his son? What Olympian whore did he sleep with to get an issue like that?
Â
Escaped again. Found another island. Some hot babes up ahead. Iʼm married but itʼs been years. Canʼt hurt. A guy needs to get his freak on.
Â
Circe a nut job. Time to go, but the boat is broken. Canʼt afford AAA tow. Iʼll push it. Circe turned my men into pigs. PIGS. Had a laugh.
On the road/sea again. Heard about some sea monsters up by Sicily? Anybody else hear about this?
Â
@TheTemptations: Nice song girls, but we canʼt stop!@MyMen: Tie me tighter, hurry!
Â
Found sea monster: a billion-headed fucker who totally trashed my ship and killed all the crew. Getting sucked into a whirlpool now. Sigh.
Â
So Iʼm passed out after the accident, lying naked on some rock, and this girl shows up.
Â
Talk about embarrassing, this is worse than when we caught Achilles with his . . . cousin.
Â
These guys can help me, but their wine is MAAAAD strong. I havenʼt been this trashed since Junior Prom.
Â
Finally home. Everything good! Wait, who the fuck are these dudes hitting on Penelope?
Â
@Suitors: You have defiled my house, dishonored the gods, and tried to seduce my wife. TIME TO TASTE MY BLUE STEEL.
Got my lady back thanks to the weird decorating we did. My son is now a man and not a sniveling bitch. All is well. Gosh I am a clever man!
The Picture of Dorian Gray
by Oscar Wilde
@MajorLeagueAesthole
Â
Ah, the light of innocence! My young life! My dear friend Basil wishes to paint me. Ah, but I am so pretty.
Â
Portrait done, but Basil says I cannot see it. Too much of him in it.
Â
Iʼve met his friend Lord Henry. He arranged for me to have the portrait. He seems like a good man.
Â
Spending my days with Lord Henry. He has taught me wit and how to appreciate beauty. This can only improve my life, right?
Â
Sadly my beauty will one day cease. Perhaps I could preserve it by having the doc pull and staple the skin of my face? No. A silly thought.
Â
The portrait looks pretty good in my living room, but how I wish it could magically absorb my flaws so that I may be pretty forever.
Â
My wish came true! The portrait bears the grimace of my malice. Must hide it in my attic. Fantastic! Who said that art was useless?
Â
At the theater. The girl playing Juliet is the best Iʼve ever seen. I think I shall seduce her. After all, I am so very pretty.
Funny: women are the bane of menʼs lives. Loving me has made her acting terrible. Art or life: choose! Except me, I can have both.
Â
@Sibyl: Itʼs over. I donʼt care who knows. Your acting is dreadful now, and I cannot live with a trivial woman. She killed herself. Typical!
Â
People seem put off by my self-absorption. But I canʼt help but tell the truth about my excellence! It is important to be earnest, isnʼt it?
Â
Sorry. I have been away. Got caught up in a sweet book
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