Read Online Twitterature by Alexander Aciman - Free Book Online Page A

movies with a lawyer. This is the most awkward seduction ever.
    Â 
    Â 
    Taking a dump. Stall graffiti is weird: Ê»Jack was hereʼ and Ê»the English Patient sucksʼ. Mysterious symbol of a worldwide conspiracy?
    Â 
    Anybody know what this W.A.S.T.E. thing is? Thereʼs also a picture of a horn that I think I once saw tattooed on a hipsterʼs wrist.
    Â 
    These stamps sure do look funny.
    Not really focusing on the whole executor thing. Too into the whole conspiracy. Hard to concentrate with this music always playing though.
    Â 
    Everyone around me has a funny name. I guess our parentsʼ generation was big on wit. Ê»Genghis Cohenʼ? Ê»Godʼ? Ê»Bradʼ? Ê»Britneyʼ?
    Â 
    At the theater. The play also mentions the Ê»Tristeroʼ thing. Talked to this dilettante director in the shower. Heʼs totally DTF.
    Â 
    Trying to get information everywhere, but with little success. Talked to some guy about entropy. Will see a scientist about it.
    Â 
    Scientist a total creep! He tried to show me Maxwellʼs Semen, if you know what I mean.
    Â 
    Â 
    Isnʼt it ironic how I am obsessed with finding information about a POSTAL conspiracy, which HAS TO DO WITH INFORMATION? Thatʼs so clever.
    Â 
    Back in SF. Husband is tripping balls. I say LSD isnʼt for me. Meanwhile, Iʼm going to wander around all night seeing the horn everywhere.
    Â 
    Â 
    The more I investigate, the more information I seem to lose track of. That whole entropy thing, you know. God, my life is a clever one.
    My analyst lost it. I guess even our civilization has its discontents. Pretty HILARIOUS!
    Â 
    Finally got estate inventoried. Auction in a couple of days. Somebody buying up the stamps that are key to this thing, but they wonʼt meet us.
    Â 
    They changed their minds! Lot 49 to be bought IN PERSON. Finally the truth! Will tweet what I find out as soon as I lay my eyes on them . . .

The Epic of Gilgamesh
    @UrukRockCity
    Â 
    Â 
    Itʼs pretty great being king: part human, part God, ALL ladiesʼ man.
    Â 
    But I keep having terrible dreams. Are the Gods displeased with my arrogance? Not mine. Not possible. No way.
    Â 
    My approval ratingʼs WAY down. Donʼt understand why most citizens feel Ê»fightingʼ and Ê»banging our wivesʼ shouldnʼt be top royal priorities?
    Â 
    Must attend a wedding party. Wearing fly royal robes to properly perform my prima nocta duty. Ba-da-bing!
    Â 
    Why are a hooker and a big hairy dude named Enkidu blocking my way? He says he is stronger, and Iʼm a disgusting pervert. That hurts, man.
    Â 
    Kicked his ass. What he said about my debauchery struck a nerve, but weʼre buddies now. Iʼd even call him . . . my bro.
    Â 
    @EnkiduTheUruk: Scene is suddenly boring now that Iʼm reformed. You want to go slay a demon, bro?
    Â 
    Everyone says transgressing into a Godʼs domain is a mistake. What do they know? Enkiduʼs got my back - letʼs do it.
    Â 
    Oh shit. Demons are way more terrifying in person. Managed to get his armor off with promises/lies of nonstop demon-loving groupies.
    I was going to spare the demonʼs life, but Enkidu had me take him out. Ruthless. Perhaps all that hair itches.
    Â 
    As suspected: all the ladies want to get it on now that Iʼve slain the demon. But I must decline. Iʼm a clean man these days.
    Â 
    Â 
    I just canʼt win with women. Before, nailing all the ladies was bad. Now I refuse to seduce, and the Gods send a giant bull to kill me?
    Â 
    Killed the bull, too. Is there any fight I canʼt win? Enkidu seems nervous now. He says the Gods will be even more pissed.
    Â 
    Â 
    Great. Thatʼs it. Iʼm leaving Uruk. My best friend in the world is dead, all because the Gods couldnʼt handle our great bromance.
    Â 
    Found another great hero. He survived the flood of many days and nights that wiped out humanity. Thereʼs a story Iʼve never heard before.
    Â 
    I wonder if he can be my