Read Online Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less by Nick Douglas - Free Book Online
Authors: Nick Douglas
Tags: Humor, General, Social Science, Reference, Sociology, Wit and Humor, Twitter, Popular Culture, Satire And Humor, Humour: Collections & General, Popular Culture - General, Quotations, Humour collections & anthologies, Anecdotes, Web - Social Networking, Online social networks
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just using it all at once.
yowhatsthehaps
Wine has calories? What the fuck?
fourformom
If I lived every day like it was my last, I’d probably just have a lot of parking tickets.
torrez
The planning stage is my very favorite stage. It’s so pleasantly distant from the failing stage.
Maggie
It’s-13F out and your midriff-baring coat ensemble makes you look like a whore. Got any plans for the weekend?
whlteXbread
I would never want to be able to read people’s minds. Imagine all the Mariah Carey songs I’d have to wade through to get their ATM PINs.
timdawks
Do you think the Man with the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?
maritzav
Just FYI a lot of parents don’t dig it when you grab their kid and say, “You’re my Bonus Jonas” while you gently caress their hair.
paulscheer
I don’t want to be abducted by the Greys anymore if they’re not going to buy new magazines for the anal probe lab’s waiting room.
stevehuff
Maybe if I look like I’m going to shoplift, I can get help in the Electronics section at Target.
practicalwitch
For all the things I’ve achieved, I can’t shake the notion that my life has mostly been spent converting breakfast cereal into body hair.
phylhrmnix
It must have been great to grow up on Hoth. “School’s closed again today, kids.”
mogrify
To do list for the day: hate self, love self, hate self, love self. Lunch. Hate self.
michaelianblack
WANT TO BE AS FAMOUS AS SUSAN BOYLE!
hirstdamien
Success means being the last one connected to the conference call.
AaronKaro
I’m going to start referring to babies as “crypods.”
nerdist
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t lose any energy, stamina, or potency when you hit 40. It just all gets channeled into your nose hair.
Weirdsmobile
The 250lb girl wearing Danskins in my spinning class has officially graduated from cameltoe to mooseknuckle.
primalpurge
What my proctologist doesn’t know yet won’t hurt him. Might surprise him, though. Teehee!
rolandfox
I stood there wondering, “Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?” Then it hit me.
Notactuallyme
For Mardi Gras this year, I’m giving up beads.
favecock
I don’t think it matters what your beliefs are, but praying about your laptop choice is a little much. God doesn’t care which Mac you get.
ECByrd
Toddlers come up with the cutest names for things. “Schindler’s List” is the Choo-Choo Movie.
Balut
Analyze a friend’s relationship just by looking at pics on Facebook. You can see the precise moment his new GF says, “Fuck it, I’m eating.”
indefensible
How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.
myracles
I really enjoyed my youth. I don’t know why I told him to go home to his mom.
blondediva11
Teach a man that you can’t be trusted to use a fishhook and you’ll effectively have taught him to fish for you for life.
Shakin_Atoms
I never tire of songs that explain the differences between women of different geographic regions in sexual terms. They’re educational.
thejoelstein
It would really suck to be the guy who discovers Live Strong bracelets cause cancer.
nictate
Acknowledgments
The editor would like to thank the hundreds of Twitter users who contributed to this book; Biz Stone and his wonderful colleagues at Twitter; the fantastic agent Luke Janklow; and the talented people at It Books, including editor Kate Hamill, interior designer Ashley Halsey, cover designer Milan Bozic, and publicist Vanessa Schneider. Special thanks also to Rachel Fershleiser for her help and advice, and to Jay Hathaway and Cole Stryker for answering, over and over, the same question: “Is this funny?” Thanks to all of you, it finally is.
Have you written something witty on Twitter? Submit it to Twitter Wit at TwitterWit.net.
About the Editor
Technology writer and humorist N ICK D OUGLAS was the founding editor of Valleywag.com, and has also
yowhatsthehaps
Wine has calories? What the fuck?
fourformom
If I lived every day like it was my last, I’d probably just have a lot of parking tickets.
torrez
The planning stage is my very favorite stage. It’s so pleasantly distant from the failing stage.
Maggie
It’s-13F out and your midriff-baring coat ensemble makes you look like a whore. Got any plans for the weekend?
whlteXbread
I would never want to be able to read people’s minds. Imagine all the Mariah Carey songs I’d have to wade through to get their ATM PINs.
timdawks
Do you think the Man with the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?
maritzav
Just FYI a lot of parents don’t dig it when you grab their kid and say, “You’re my Bonus Jonas” while you gently caress their hair.
paulscheer
I don’t want to be abducted by the Greys anymore if they’re not going to buy new magazines for the anal probe lab’s waiting room.
stevehuff
Maybe if I look like I’m going to shoplift, I can get help in the Electronics section at Target.
practicalwitch
For all the things I’ve achieved, I can’t shake the notion that my life has mostly been spent converting breakfast cereal into body hair.
phylhrmnix
It must have been great to grow up on Hoth. “School’s closed again today, kids.”
mogrify
To do list for the day: hate self, love self, hate self, love self. Lunch. Hate self.
michaelianblack
WANT TO BE AS FAMOUS AS SUSAN BOYLE!
hirstdamien
Success means being the last one connected to the conference call.
AaronKaro
I’m going to start referring to babies as “crypods.”
nerdist
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t lose any energy, stamina, or potency when you hit 40. It just all gets channeled into your nose hair.
Weirdsmobile
The 250lb girl wearing Danskins in my spinning class has officially graduated from cameltoe to mooseknuckle.
primalpurge
What my proctologist doesn’t know yet won’t hurt him. Might surprise him, though. Teehee!
rolandfox
I stood there wondering, “Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?” Then it hit me.
Notactuallyme
For Mardi Gras this year, I’m giving up beads.
favecock
I don’t think it matters what your beliefs are, but praying about your laptop choice is a little much. God doesn’t care which Mac you get.
ECByrd
Toddlers come up with the cutest names for things. “Schindler’s List” is the Choo-Choo Movie.
Balut
Analyze a friend’s relationship just by looking at pics on Facebook. You can see the precise moment his new GF says, “Fuck it, I’m eating.”
indefensible
How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.
myracles
I really enjoyed my youth. I don’t know why I told him to go home to his mom.
blondediva11
Teach a man that you can’t be trusted to use a fishhook and you’ll effectively have taught him to fish for you for life.
Shakin_Atoms
I never tire of songs that explain the differences between women of different geographic regions in sexual terms. They’re educational.
thejoelstein
It would really suck to be the guy who discovers Live Strong bracelets cause cancer.
nictate
Acknowledgments
The editor would like to thank the hundreds of Twitter users who contributed to this book; Biz Stone and his wonderful colleagues at Twitter; the fantastic agent Luke Janklow; and the talented people at It Books, including editor Kate Hamill, interior designer Ashley Halsey, cover designer Milan Bozic, and publicist Vanessa Schneider. Special thanks also to Rachel Fershleiser for her help and advice, and to Jay Hathaway and Cole Stryker for answering, over and over, the same question: “Is this funny?” Thanks to all of you, it finally is.
Have you written something witty on Twitter? Submit it to Twitter Wit at TwitterWit.net.
About the Editor
Technology writer and humorist N ICK D OUGLAS was the founding editor of Valleywag.com, and has also
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