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me, that when Eric would call that my heart would leap out of my chest, it would just pound the whole time, my breath quickening and my hands sweating. I’d have to go through the whole process of telling myself that it was over for a reason. He’d never made it happen, wasn’t that enough? Just stop it!!!
    “How are you?” he asked me, seriously.
    “I’m great! Things are wonderful.” I wasn’t lying. They were great. It wasn’t as though I thought of him every minute of every day, not anymore. “How are you?”
    “Business is awesome; I’m having another amazing year.” This was always the case, one year better than the one before. He was a business wizard, a sales genius. Never mind I had to argue with David to get to work, stay there, and not leave for home early every day.
    Again my heart has a mind of its own. My body is not cooperating with my head, which is telling it not to act like it is in love with Eric anymore. So I said, “I’ve got some news!”
    “What is it?”
    “I’m pregnant! We’re having a baby!” I exclaimed, and I truly was happy.
    “That’s great!! When’s it due? Do you know what you’re having? A boy or a girl?” and so on until I said when I was due and we were having a girl, and we’d bought a new house, and a new car and the business was going gangbusters. Finally the excitement died down and there was a little silence between us on the phone. Long enough for me to just feel awkward about my conflicted feelings of excitement about my married life, my new baby, the business and the way my heart still pounded like a silly girl’s when he called.
    “Are you happy?” he asked me, and he really wanted to know.
    I didn’t answer immediately. I was happy enough, but David did have his weaknesses and at times they did make me weary. “We have our ups and downs Eric, but mostly I feel like his strengths are my weaknesses and that my strengths are his, and we’re making it work. I love him. You know this.”
    “Yeah. I wish we could still be friends.” He said.
    “Eric… He would be furious about our talking. He would never understand. I’m pregnant with his baby. We’ve been married a long time now. It isn’t right for you to call, you know?”

“I’m friends with a lot of my other old girlfriend’s and no one else acts like he does….” And he just stopped short. Surely he understood there was truly something for David to actually be jealous of? “You don’t want me to call again?”
    “I will always want what’s best for you, for you to be happy…but I just don’t’ feel right about it. I’m sorry.” I said. Something inside of me wanted to cry, and I hated that. It felt like self betrayal, and marriage betrayal, and maternal betrayal, and what’s more it was a connection that couldn’t do anything but get lost in a maze of inappropriate feeling and attachment.
    “Ok. I understand. You take care of yourself. I’m happy for you Marissa. I won’t call again - even if it is really hard not to do.” He quietly said.
    And he didn’t, he didn’t call me again.

Chapter 18
    A few short months later I had my daughter Brittany Nicole and her birth was fraught with crises and making sure both she and the business stayed alive became my only occupation. I was focused more on surviving than on thriving after I became a mother, and my son Joshua followed quickly upon the heels of Brittany . I found myself the President and CEO of a four million dollar technology firm and the mother of two beautiful children.
    My business grew wildly and then deteriorated, a perfect mirror of a wild roller coaster economy until finally the NASDAQ crashed and the media sugar coated it by saying it had “corrected”. I used to wryly say, “Yeah, the NASDAQ corrected my whole freaking life.” But I was in good company and there were many young and spirited CEOs taking their lumps and figuring out what to do next.
    David and I struggled tremendously through the loss of