Read Online True Confessions of Adrian Albert Mole by Sue Townsend - Free Book Online
Authors: Sue Townsend
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my birthday today. I am nineteen and God am I weary of this life.
Unit 2
April 9 th 1987
Dear ‘Brains’
Cindy as wrote to me and said it is lies about her and Gary Fullbright and she said she is not in the club she as just put on some wait because of working in the hot spud shop she swears on her dogs head that she stills love me and she is weighting for me. The reeason she as not bin to see me is becars she has had migraine you have got a nerv to critisize her you should look in the mirrer sometime at yourself I av herd bad things about Pandorra that she is having it off with allsorts including china men and yugoslavians their is a screw in hear who as got a son at oxford university he nows pandorra an he says she is a slagg wye did you tell me that stuff about the milkman it was drivval I am goinng mad in hear I want to now what is goinng on with the lads outside did spig get sentensed yet as marvin got parrole things like that do not bothur writin if you write drivvel and if you come to see me argain dress up smart I was ashammd last time and I got greif from the lads after visitting. I told them you was not all their but I still got greif my cell mate is a fat slob is name is clifton there is not room to move when he is standing up I am asking for a transferr he is the fart champion of the prison gary fullbright is lookinggg for you
stay cool
Baz
April 18 th 1987
Dear Baz
How dare you infer that Pandora is a slag? She mixes with Chinese, Russians and Yugoslavians because she is taking Russian, Serbo-Croat and Chinese at Oxford. She no doubt entertains them in her rooms until quite late at night, but believe me Baz she is not engaging in sexual intercourse with them. I know for a fact that Pandora is a virgin. Unlike you and Cindy, Pandora and I have a completely honest relationship. If she were no longer a virgin I would be the first to know. I will make no further comment on the Cindy/Gary situation apart from saying that I saw them together in Mothercare buying a baby’s bath and two maternity bras, but from now on my lips are sealed. I’m sorry you are of the opinion that parts of my last letter were drivel. I thought the note to the milkman would amuse you and take your mind off your present surroundings. I don’t blame you for being bitter, though. Two years’ imprisonment for criminal damage to a privet hedge does seem harsh. I’m scared to cough in the street these days in case I get done under the new Public Order Act.
I haven’t had a poem from you for ages Baz. I hope you haven’t given up scribbling. You have a rare, muscular sort of talent which you mustn’t waste. You once had a lucrative career as ‘Baz, the Skinhead Poet’ on the poetry club circuit. Why not take this opportunity to write a new collection?
Yours
Adrian ‘Brains’ Mole
May 12 th 1986
Dear Brains
Banged Up
Ok. I done it
I damaged a hedge
I broke a few twigs
A few leaves fell off
Hedges grow again.
They said it was privet
in court, in evidence.
Me, I didn’t know
I was falling, drunk.
I grabbed this green thing
I fell in, got scratched
couldn’t get out again.
The hedges owner called 999.
An old bloke he was
If he’d pulled me out I
woulda gone.
Instead the filth come.
“Hello Baz, you’ve broken
an hedge.
That’s criminal damage, vandalism, wanton,
mindless”
Honest, it was a few twigs, a few green
leaves.
It needed cutting,
“I shan’t press charges,” said the old man.
But it was too late,
the law had started its machinery up.
It couldn’t stop.
Not until the prison gate
opened and took me in.
“Criminal damage to an hedge”
I’m a joke in here.
Psychopaths get more respect
the old man, he was in court.
He wasn’t happy. He looked at me
in the dock. His face said,
“I’m not happy.”
I gave him a salute one man to
another.
Then I went down.
BAZ KENT
(The Skinhead Poet)
June 30 th 1987
Dear Baz
It’s some months since I wrote to you I know but I’ve been very busy with my opus, ‘Tadpole’, which I am
Unit 2
April 9 th 1987
Dear ‘Brains’
Cindy as wrote to me and said it is lies about her and Gary Fullbright and she said she is not in the club she as just put on some wait because of working in the hot spud shop she swears on her dogs head that she stills love me and she is weighting for me. The reeason she as not bin to see me is becars she has had migraine you have got a nerv to critisize her you should look in the mirrer sometime at yourself I av herd bad things about Pandorra that she is having it off with allsorts including china men and yugoslavians their is a screw in hear who as got a son at oxford university he nows pandorra an he says she is a slagg wye did you tell me that stuff about the milkman it was drivval I am goinng mad in hear I want to now what is goinng on with the lads outside did spig get sentensed yet as marvin got parrole things like that do not bothur writin if you write drivvel and if you come to see me argain dress up smart I was ashammd last time and I got greif from the lads after visitting. I told them you was not all their but I still got greif my cell mate is a fat slob is name is clifton there is not room to move when he is standing up I am asking for a transferr he is the fart champion of the prison gary fullbright is lookinggg for you
stay cool
Baz
April 18 th 1987
Dear Baz
How dare you infer that Pandora is a slag? She mixes with Chinese, Russians and Yugoslavians because she is taking Russian, Serbo-Croat and Chinese at Oxford. She no doubt entertains them in her rooms until quite late at night, but believe me Baz she is not engaging in sexual intercourse with them. I know for a fact that Pandora is a virgin. Unlike you and Cindy, Pandora and I have a completely honest relationship. If she were no longer a virgin I would be the first to know. I will make no further comment on the Cindy/Gary situation apart from saying that I saw them together in Mothercare buying a baby’s bath and two maternity bras, but from now on my lips are sealed. I’m sorry you are of the opinion that parts of my last letter were drivel. I thought the note to the milkman would amuse you and take your mind off your present surroundings. I don’t blame you for being bitter, though. Two years’ imprisonment for criminal damage to a privet hedge does seem harsh. I’m scared to cough in the street these days in case I get done under the new Public Order Act.
I haven’t had a poem from you for ages Baz. I hope you haven’t given up scribbling. You have a rare, muscular sort of talent which you mustn’t waste. You once had a lucrative career as ‘Baz, the Skinhead Poet’ on the poetry club circuit. Why not take this opportunity to write a new collection?
Yours
Adrian ‘Brains’ Mole
May 12 th 1986
Dear Brains
Banged Up
Ok. I done it
I damaged a hedge
I broke a few twigs
A few leaves fell off
Hedges grow again.
They said it was privet
in court, in evidence.
Me, I didn’t know
I was falling, drunk.
I grabbed this green thing
I fell in, got scratched
couldn’t get out again.
The hedges owner called 999.
An old bloke he was
If he’d pulled me out I
woulda gone.
Instead the filth come.
“Hello Baz, you’ve broken
an hedge.
That’s criminal damage, vandalism, wanton,
mindless”
Honest, it was a few twigs, a few green
leaves.
It needed cutting,
“I shan’t press charges,” said the old man.
But it was too late,
the law had started its machinery up.
It couldn’t stop.
Not until the prison gate
opened and took me in.
“Criminal damage to an hedge”
I’m a joke in here.
Psychopaths get more respect
the old man, he was in court.
He wasn’t happy. He looked at me
in the dock. His face said,
“I’m not happy.”
I gave him a salute one man to
another.
Then I went down.
BAZ KENT
(The Skinhead Poet)
June 30 th 1987
Dear Baz
It’s some months since I wrote to you I know but I’ve been very busy with my opus, ‘Tadpole’, which I am
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