what I truly think and feel.You know why? Because you wouldnât understand it. Youâre lost inside your pretty little world where everyoneâs just friends and the notion of men and women, instinct and differences almost doesnât exist!â
I was aware of how agitated I sounded, half screaming, as if I were being attacked or held down by someone. As if I were afraid.
âThatâs why Iâve never told you what Iâve felt when weâve made love using contraception, without a thought of having children. You wouldnât understand, you who live in your own sweet little fairy-tale world. But I want you to know that Iâve felt like a whore, like a cheap fucking whore every time you slept with me. And itâs you, Kosti â no one else â whoâs defiled me, whoâs made me dirty, whoâs made me feel disgusted with myself, simply because youâve denied me the right to be a woman. Do you get it? Youâve denied me my womanhood!â
Kosti had now demonstratively turned away from me, letting his gaze disappear into the darkness outside the window. It was actually quite odd that he didnât leave the room or at least growl at me to shut up. But this was a one-person show and my words could not be stopped. I was a ditch full of sewage and the messy words gushed out of me.
âYour greatest flaw is that you donât know what a woman is. No, you donât, and you probably donât know what a real man is either. Youâd probably shit your pants if you met a real woman; sheâd scare you, Kosti, because sheâs not part of your worldview, she doesnât exist in your pathetic, friendly teddy-bear world where every damned person is so smart and kind it makes me want to throw up. You know, a real woman, she is a mother, first and foremost a mother, and even if men can run around spreading their seed here and there â yes, spread it into the storm on the Orkney Islands, by all means, do that â women are made to carry, you understand, she wants to carry the heavy fruits, she wants to be fertilized and carry, fertilized and carry. You get what Iâm saying? Shesimply doesnât want to be some kind of fuck-buddy and have a good time between the sheets because thatâs not what itâs about! No, she doesnât want to be a worthless tramp, which you seem to want to reduce me to. Thatâs what you make me into when you humiliate me like this; you deny me the right to become a mother, you wonât make me feel like a real woman and give me a child even though Iâve asked for one. Itâs the most revolting, cruel thing you can do to a woman, and thatâs what I want you to understand, thatâs what you have done to me with all your talk about contraceptives and wait until later and all that. Thatâs what youâve done to me, thatâs what youâve done â â
Finally, I ran out of words. There was simply nothing more to say and I remember that I felt emptier than I ever had in my entire life. It was as if an army had passed through me, an army that had plundered and burned everything and left nothing behind but bare, scorched earth. The room was once again quiet. It was quiet for a long time. Until Kosti turned to me and looked at me with those eyes in which no love was left.
âLeave,â he said. âI want you to leave. I donât want to look at you. I no longer know you.â
Feeling completely numb and blank inside, I went out to the hallway and put on my coat. Then, without a word, I left the apartment. All night, I lay folded in the backseat of the car with my eyes open. I couldnât sleep. Couldnât cry. And I remember that it felt terrible that I didnât cry, that I couldnât even cry.
January 19
It is a Saturday evening in the apartment we call the Exception. Mom, my older sister, my twin brothers, and I are in the big sitting room drinking tea and listening
I was aware of how agitated I sounded, half screaming, as if I were being attacked or held down by someone. As if I were afraid.
âThatâs why Iâve never told you what Iâve felt when weâve made love using contraception, without a thought of having children. You wouldnât understand, you who live in your own sweet little fairy-tale world. But I want you to know that Iâve felt like a whore, like a cheap fucking whore every time you slept with me. And itâs you, Kosti â no one else â whoâs defiled me, whoâs made me dirty, whoâs made me feel disgusted with myself, simply because youâve denied me the right to be a woman. Do you get it? Youâve denied me my womanhood!â
Kosti had now demonstratively turned away from me, letting his gaze disappear into the darkness outside the window. It was actually quite odd that he didnât leave the room or at least growl at me to shut up. But this was a one-person show and my words could not be stopped. I was a ditch full of sewage and the messy words gushed out of me.
âYour greatest flaw is that you donât know what a woman is. No, you donât, and you probably donât know what a real man is either. Youâd probably shit your pants if you met a real woman; sheâd scare you, Kosti, because sheâs not part of your worldview, she doesnât exist in your pathetic, friendly teddy-bear world where every damned person is so smart and kind it makes me want to throw up. You know, a real woman, she is a mother, first and foremost a mother, and even if men can run around spreading their seed here and there â yes, spread it into the storm on the Orkney Islands, by all means, do that â women are made to carry, you understand, she wants to carry the heavy fruits, she wants to be fertilized and carry, fertilized and carry. You get what Iâm saying? Shesimply doesnât want to be some kind of fuck-buddy and have a good time between the sheets because thatâs not what itâs about! No, she doesnât want to be a worthless tramp, which you seem to want to reduce me to. Thatâs what you make me into when you humiliate me like this; you deny me the right to become a mother, you wonât make me feel like a real woman and give me a child even though Iâve asked for one. Itâs the most revolting, cruel thing you can do to a woman, and thatâs what I want you to understand, thatâs what you have done to me with all your talk about contraceptives and wait until later and all that. Thatâs what youâve done to me, thatâs what youâve done â â
Finally, I ran out of words. There was simply nothing more to say and I remember that I felt emptier than I ever had in my entire life. It was as if an army had passed through me, an army that had plundered and burned everything and left nothing behind but bare, scorched earth. The room was once again quiet. It was quiet for a long time. Until Kosti turned to me and looked at me with those eyes in which no love was left.
âLeave,â he said. âI want you to leave. I donât want to look at you. I no longer know you.â
Feeling completely numb and blank inside, I went out to the hallway and put on my coat. Then, without a word, I left the apartment. All night, I lay folded in the backseat of the car with my eyes open. I couldnât sleep. Couldnât cry. And I remember that it felt terrible that I didnât cry, that I couldnât even cry.
January 19
It is a Saturday evening in the apartment we call the Exception. Mom, my older sister, my twin brothers, and I are in the big sitting room drinking tea and listening
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