makes you what?” Ginny’s voice is kind, there isn’t any judging.
“He makes me feel better, Ginny.”
“There isn’t anything wrong in that. I’m not seeing how it goes wrong from there?”
“I got in the car to leave, I was going to follow him back. But while I sat in the car, I started to think, you know what I’m like, I overthink everything and all I could picture was Richard. I don’t need to tell you what happened do I?” I sigh and rest my head in my hands, then tell her anyway, “Daniel knocked on the window and did something so simple, he wiped away a tear and I just crumbled.” I take a deep breath and whisper, “And he held me, right in the middle of the car park.”
“He sounds incredibly sweet.”
“He is. After I got it together, we came here. I really didn’t want to be surrounded by people. He bought some wine, and we had a takeaway. And then we went to bed. Separately. He stayed on the sofa.” I stop talking and wait.
“Are you hoping I’m going to tell you, you did something wrong? Because it isn’t going to happen.”
“He woke me up at five this morning making a coffee. We sat in the kitchen drinking coffee, He’d been dreaming, we spoke about it. He told me what the dreams were about then he just broke down in front of me. Ginny, I think my pain consumes me, I think my pain is the worst thing in the world, it’s nothing compared to the pain he feels.”
“You can’t compare pain sweetie, not this kind of pain.”
“I wrapped my arms around him, I just needed to comfort him and for him to comfort me. The whole thing was so haunting. And when he…” the words just keep tumbling out.
“When he?” she prompts gently.
“When he picked me up and carried me to the sofa and laid us both down, I let him. and I fell asleep just like that, in his arms. The comfort I felt there, I shouldn’t have felt. Not in another man’s arms, not this quickly. It’s so wr — ”
“Don’t say it, Katie.”
“ Wrong. ” I let the word slip out and go silent.
“Katie, you’ve finally found something that helps you deal with everything. God, I haven’t been able to help you deal with it all. I’m there for you, but I can’t help you like I want to. I’m not going to tell you it’s wrong. There is nothing wrong about it. If it was a female, if the person who was helping you through all of this was a woman, would you be questioning it?”
“Of course not.”
“So because it’s a man, it’s wrong?”
“Yes.” it’s how I feel, it’s the truth.
“Why? You didn’t sleep together. And even if you told me you had, I wouldn’t be judging you, it still wouldn’t be wrong. And no one would tell you it was.”
“It is wrong. I was married, I wanted my whole life to be with Richard. My. Whole. Life. And now three months after he dies, I’m in the arms of another man, sobbing and finding comfort and solace and…” I stop talking, I can’t say any more.
“And what, Katie? What does he make you feel?”
“I can’t.” I whisper.
“You find him attractive? That isn’t wrong either. Did you find other men attractive when Richard was alive?”
“Of course I did.”
“Then why now he’s not here, is it unacceptable all of a sudden?”
“Because he isn’t here. And I should be mourning him, not lusting over another guy.”
“Were you lusting?” she half laughs.
“Ginny, if you saw him, you’d be lusting. He is.. beautiful. If a man can be beautiful. He stirs feelings in me that I haven’t felt in months.” I clap my hand over my mouth to stop any more coming out.
“It’s okay, Kate,” Ginny laughs, “It really is okay. I can see the effect he has on you. You sound… Happy . For the first time in months. I want you to be happy again.”
“I just feel so guilty, Ginny. So incredibly guilty, it overwhelms me all the time. And
“He makes me feel better, Ginny.”
“There isn’t anything wrong in that. I’m not seeing how it goes wrong from there?”
“I got in the car to leave, I was going to follow him back. But while I sat in the car, I started to think, you know what I’m like, I overthink everything and all I could picture was Richard. I don’t need to tell you what happened do I?” I sigh and rest my head in my hands, then tell her anyway, “Daniel knocked on the window and did something so simple, he wiped away a tear and I just crumbled.” I take a deep breath and whisper, “And he held me, right in the middle of the car park.”
“He sounds incredibly sweet.”
“He is. After I got it together, we came here. I really didn’t want to be surrounded by people. He bought some wine, and we had a takeaway. And then we went to bed. Separately. He stayed on the sofa.” I stop talking and wait.
“Are you hoping I’m going to tell you, you did something wrong? Because it isn’t going to happen.”
“He woke me up at five this morning making a coffee. We sat in the kitchen drinking coffee, He’d been dreaming, we spoke about it. He told me what the dreams were about then he just broke down in front of me. Ginny, I think my pain consumes me, I think my pain is the worst thing in the world, it’s nothing compared to the pain he feels.”
“You can’t compare pain sweetie, not this kind of pain.”
“I wrapped my arms around him, I just needed to comfort him and for him to comfort me. The whole thing was so haunting. And when he…” the words just keep tumbling out.
“When he?” she prompts gently.
“When he picked me up and carried me to the sofa and laid us both down, I let him. and I fell asleep just like that, in his arms. The comfort I felt there, I shouldn’t have felt. Not in another man’s arms, not this quickly. It’s so wr — ”
“Don’t say it, Katie.”
“ Wrong. ” I let the word slip out and go silent.
“Katie, you’ve finally found something that helps you deal with everything. God, I haven’t been able to help you deal with it all. I’m there for you, but I can’t help you like I want to. I’m not going to tell you it’s wrong. There is nothing wrong about it. If it was a female, if the person who was helping you through all of this was a woman, would you be questioning it?”
“Of course not.”
“So because it’s a man, it’s wrong?”
“Yes.” it’s how I feel, it’s the truth.
“Why? You didn’t sleep together. And even if you told me you had, I wouldn’t be judging you, it still wouldn’t be wrong. And no one would tell you it was.”
“It is wrong. I was married, I wanted my whole life to be with Richard. My. Whole. Life. And now three months after he dies, I’m in the arms of another man, sobbing and finding comfort and solace and…” I stop talking, I can’t say any more.
“And what, Katie? What does he make you feel?”
“I can’t.” I whisper.
“You find him attractive? That isn’t wrong either. Did you find other men attractive when Richard was alive?”
“Of course I did.”
“Then why now he’s not here, is it unacceptable all of a sudden?”
“Because he isn’t here. And I should be mourning him, not lusting over another guy.”
“Were you lusting?” she half laughs.
“Ginny, if you saw him, you’d be lusting. He is.. beautiful. If a man can be beautiful. He stirs feelings in me that I haven’t felt in months.” I clap my hand over my mouth to stop any more coming out.
“It’s okay, Kate,” Ginny laughs, “It really is okay. I can see the effect he has on you. You sound… Happy . For the first time in months. I want you to be happy again.”
“I just feel so guilty, Ginny. So incredibly guilty, it overwhelms me all the time. And
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