Read Online 'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse by Robi Ludwig, Matt Birkbeck - Free Book Online
Authors: Robi Ludwig, Matt Birkbeck
Ads: Link
attractive and places you high on that proverbial pedestal? The problem is, as with most things in life, if something appears to be too good to be true, it usually is.
Controlling and abusive men often idealize their partner out of their own desperate need to be attached to someone who can heal them and make them feel better. They want and need their new mate to experience them as the best and most wonderful in every single way, the best lover, the best person, as well as a constant source of interest and fascination.
Of course people are fallible and flawed, so this “perfect” honeymoon period can last for only so long. Sooner or later, the idealized lover will fall from grace, only to disappoint the controlling partner and “prevent” his true needs from being met.
Control killers come from two main groups of spousal abusers: the common couple violence abuser and the patriarchal terrorism abuser. The common couple violence abuser is an occasional and unpredictable abuser who has volatile responses to the pressures of everyday life. His violence is motivated by a need to control a specific circumstance, as opposed to the violence of the patriarchal terrorism type, who wants to control the woman and the relationship by any means necessary. Men in this latter group tend to commit acts of abuse characterized by a strong need to be completely in charge of the relationship and to control the woman. The violence in these relationships is male to female and, as the relationship continues, the violence becomes more frequent and severe. Such males are determined to maintain their control by any means necessary, including physical violence and psychological abuse, the latter comprising sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse, as well as social and economic isolation.
Such men appear to have a problem with women achieving power, and their violent behavior is a result of the male entitlement and dominance represented in our society. These types of batterers and abusers are limited in their ability to feel attachment and empathy and have the most rigid and conservative attitudes about women. David fit this typology of patriarchal terrorism perfectly, especially since he exhibited problems with women way before he ever met and married Crystal.
Take, for example, the former coworker he was accused of raping. No amount of her begging and pleading with him would change his obsessional need to rape her. Although he told everyone he was getting counseling, the therapy obviously wasn’t enough to help him with his destructive and self-destructive mode of operating. Men who rape women often do it to show their strength, masculinity, and virulence. This power motive often involves the perception that women are property and specifically the property of men, and the act of rape establishes that power.
David tried to establish control in a multitude of ways with Crystal. He emotionally abused her by calling her fat and telling her no man would ever want to be with her. He financially abused her by forcing her to account for every dime spent, and his constant checking up on her made it difficult for her to be with friends or family. She was, in effect, socially isolated. And toward the end of their relationship, he sought to engage in threesomes and foursomes, something he knew Crystal, a conservative mother of two, had no interest in pursuing.
Eventually Crystal could no longer justify the abuse, and the days of making excuses for David were over. She had a right to a nice life and she was going to try to make that happen. She missed having friends and feeling good about herself. But she was also aware that she was in danger. She knew it was not beyond David to want to harm her for leaving him. He pretty much told her as much. But his threats to kill her were not going to stop her this time.
According to evolutionary psychologists Margo Wilson and Martin Daly, violence against a female partner is often intended to prevent the partner from
Controlling and abusive men often idealize their partner out of their own desperate need to be attached to someone who can heal them and make them feel better. They want and need their new mate to experience them as the best and most wonderful in every single way, the best lover, the best person, as well as a constant source of interest and fascination.
Of course people are fallible and flawed, so this “perfect” honeymoon period can last for only so long. Sooner or later, the idealized lover will fall from grace, only to disappoint the controlling partner and “prevent” his true needs from being met.
Control killers come from two main groups of spousal abusers: the common couple violence abuser and the patriarchal terrorism abuser. The common couple violence abuser is an occasional and unpredictable abuser who has volatile responses to the pressures of everyday life. His violence is motivated by a need to control a specific circumstance, as opposed to the violence of the patriarchal terrorism type, who wants to control the woman and the relationship by any means necessary. Men in this latter group tend to commit acts of abuse characterized by a strong need to be completely in charge of the relationship and to control the woman. The violence in these relationships is male to female and, as the relationship continues, the violence becomes more frequent and severe. Such males are determined to maintain their control by any means necessary, including physical violence and psychological abuse, the latter comprising sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse, as well as social and economic isolation.
Such men appear to have a problem with women achieving power, and their violent behavior is a result of the male entitlement and dominance represented in our society. These types of batterers and abusers are limited in their ability to feel attachment and empathy and have the most rigid and conservative attitudes about women. David fit this typology of patriarchal terrorism perfectly, especially since he exhibited problems with women way before he ever met and married Crystal.
Take, for example, the former coworker he was accused of raping. No amount of her begging and pleading with him would change his obsessional need to rape her. Although he told everyone he was getting counseling, the therapy obviously wasn’t enough to help him with his destructive and self-destructive mode of operating. Men who rape women often do it to show their strength, masculinity, and virulence. This power motive often involves the perception that women are property and specifically the property of men, and the act of rape establishes that power.
David tried to establish control in a multitude of ways with Crystal. He emotionally abused her by calling her fat and telling her no man would ever want to be with her. He financially abused her by forcing her to account for every dime spent, and his constant checking up on her made it difficult for her to be with friends or family. She was, in effect, socially isolated. And toward the end of their relationship, he sought to engage in threesomes and foursomes, something he knew Crystal, a conservative mother of two, had no interest in pursuing.
Eventually Crystal could no longer justify the abuse, and the days of making excuses for David were over. She had a right to a nice life and she was going to try to make that happen. She missed having friends and feeling good about herself. But she was also aware that she was in danger. She knew it was not beyond David to want to harm her for leaving him. He pretty much told her as much. But his threats to kill her were not going to stop her this time.
According to evolutionary psychologists Margo Wilson and Martin Daly, violence against a female partner is often intended to prevent the partner from
Similar Books
