streets, faster than I usually drive, and try to convince myself I’m not trying to scare her. Every time I take a corner too fast or hit the gas a little too hard she squeezes me tight, the entire length of her presses against me. I like it. I feel more alive than I have in months. Hell, I haven’t felt this good since I was using.
I turn onto 10th Ave and stop a couple houses down from Garrett’s. I want Talia with me, I just don’t want her knowing what I’m doing.
I cut the engine and have to pry her arms from me. I unsnap my helmet and then hers. Helping her pull hers off first. I’m glad I did because as soon as she’s free she starts hitting me. First she punches me in the chest, then slaps my arm and hits my helmet with both of her hands. I grab her hands. Her eyes are frantic and she’s not focusing on me or anything else.
“Hey, hey? Talia. What’s wrong?” I press her hands to my chest so she can’t hit me again.
“Nan?” Her voice squeaks and she’s breathing really fast, “Nan, I can’t.”
My eyebrows sink. What is she talking about?
She continues to ramble, the words come so fast and disjointed I can’t keep up.
Great. She’s gone nuts and it’s my fault. I rip the helmet from my head and let it drop to the ground. It makes a loud sound and Talia jumps. She still won’t focus. She’s going to pass out if she keeps breathing like that.
What the hell is happening?
I’m slammed with a vision from my past. Fast breaths. Shaking. Terrified. My night terrors of him.
I grab Talia and pull her close. I lean over her and burry my face in her hair and hold her tight. Her shaking body presses against me. I have no idea why I’m doing this but it worked for me. When I was scared. Gram would hold me like this. Tight, like she could squeeze the fear out of me.
Her heavy breath heats my neck and I can’t see through her thick hair. I press my cheek to hers, like Gram used to do to me. My lips are by her ear. I know what I have to do, but I’m not entirely sure why. I take a deep breath, then pause. I feel like a fucking idiot. But she’s shaking so hard.
I did this. I should never have brought her. I did this to her and I need to fix it.
The tune is shaky and uneven at first but soon I am humming smoothly in her ear. It’s the same tune Gram always used to calm me from my dreams. I have no idea if it will work but I did this to her. I have to try.
I move so that our foreheads are touching. I stroke her cheek and continue to hum.
Her frantic gaze finally catches mine and it’s like a light switch goes on in her brain. She focuses on me and we just stare at each other. Her breath slows and the panic in her eyes dies down but they are wide. Tears slide down her face. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel like a bigger asshole. But I do.
I stroke her cheek with my thumb again then let my hand fall. She pulls back and wipes at her face with the sleeve of her sweater.
“Talia,” I start. “Talia, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you’d get so upset.”
She looks down into her lap and her thin pink lips turn up into a weak smile.
“No, I’m sorry. This is so embarrassing.” She wipes her nose.
“What was that?” I feel like she’s going to crumble to dust. I’m not too far off about how fragile she is.
“A panic attack. It’s okay though, I’ve had them since I was a kid.”
“Really. I’m so sorry,” I say again, and think of Gram’s words.
You’ve been saying that a lot lately.
“That song?” She tilts her head to the side. I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or not. She’s not looking at me.
“I recognize that song.” This time she’s talking to me.
“Gram used to sing it to me when I was a kid.” I shrug, hoping she doesn’t ask why. She doesn’t. She pulls her eyebrows together and touches her cheek.
“Nobody’s been able to help me. Nobody but Nan.” She sounds confused. I think she’s
I turn onto 10th Ave and stop a couple houses down from Garrett’s. I want Talia with me, I just don’t want her knowing what I’m doing.
I cut the engine and have to pry her arms from me. I unsnap my helmet and then hers. Helping her pull hers off first. I’m glad I did because as soon as she’s free she starts hitting me. First she punches me in the chest, then slaps my arm and hits my helmet with both of her hands. I grab her hands. Her eyes are frantic and she’s not focusing on me or anything else.
“Hey, hey? Talia. What’s wrong?” I press her hands to my chest so she can’t hit me again.
“Nan?” Her voice squeaks and she’s breathing really fast, “Nan, I can’t.”
My eyebrows sink. What is she talking about?
She continues to ramble, the words come so fast and disjointed I can’t keep up.
Great. She’s gone nuts and it’s my fault. I rip the helmet from my head and let it drop to the ground. It makes a loud sound and Talia jumps. She still won’t focus. She’s going to pass out if she keeps breathing like that.
What the hell is happening?
I’m slammed with a vision from my past. Fast breaths. Shaking. Terrified. My night terrors of him.
I grab Talia and pull her close. I lean over her and burry my face in her hair and hold her tight. Her shaking body presses against me. I have no idea why I’m doing this but it worked for me. When I was scared. Gram would hold me like this. Tight, like she could squeeze the fear out of me.
Her heavy breath heats my neck and I can’t see through her thick hair. I press my cheek to hers, like Gram used to do to me. My lips are by her ear. I know what I have to do, but I’m not entirely sure why. I take a deep breath, then pause. I feel like a fucking idiot. But she’s shaking so hard.
I did this. I should never have brought her. I did this to her and I need to fix it.
The tune is shaky and uneven at first but soon I am humming smoothly in her ear. It’s the same tune Gram always used to calm me from my dreams. I have no idea if it will work but I did this to her. I have to try.
I move so that our foreheads are touching. I stroke her cheek and continue to hum.
Her frantic gaze finally catches mine and it’s like a light switch goes on in her brain. She focuses on me and we just stare at each other. Her breath slows and the panic in her eyes dies down but they are wide. Tears slide down her face. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel like a bigger asshole. But I do.
I stroke her cheek with my thumb again then let my hand fall. She pulls back and wipes at her face with the sleeve of her sweater.
“Talia,” I start. “Talia, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think you’d get so upset.”
She looks down into her lap and her thin pink lips turn up into a weak smile.
“No, I’m sorry. This is so embarrassing.” She wipes her nose.
“What was that?” I feel like she’s going to crumble to dust. I’m not too far off about how fragile she is.
“A panic attack. It’s okay though, I’ve had them since I was a kid.”
“Really. I’m so sorry,” I say again, and think of Gram’s words.
You’ve been saying that a lot lately.
“That song?” She tilts her head to the side. I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or not. She’s not looking at me.
“I recognize that song.” This time she’s talking to me.
“Gram used to sing it to me when I was a kid.” I shrug, hoping she doesn’t ask why. She doesn’t. She pulls her eyebrows together and touches her cheek.
“Nobody’s been able to help me. Nobody but Nan.” She sounds confused. I think she’s
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