Read Online Tietam Brown by Mick Foley - Free Book Online Page A

said, I’m pretty . . . well what do you want to talk about anyway?”
    I was hoping to maybe ease into the subject gently. Maybe with a little small talk. But small talk wasn’t easy with a guy whose only real interest seemed to be his penis. I couldn’t talk sports because he didn’t watch them, couldn’t talk business because it was, like his bedroom, off limits to me. I didn’t even attempt to discuss school-work with him, because that might actually require thinking; a demand that might threaten his standing as the world’s shallowest man. But what the hell, who was I going to talk to, Hanrahan? Mrs. Sugling? I gave Tietam Brown a shot.
    â€œUh Dad, I um, wanted to ask your advice on girls.”
    Instantly I had an answer. “I’ll be right down.”
    I walked downstairs and waited about half a second before my dad came vaulting down the steps, two at a time, grinning from ear to ear, as giddy as a schoolboy. For a minute I thought I might have sold the old man a little short. Maybe everyone has got a special talent, and this subject would prove to be his. Maybe he would be my love doctor.
    He sat down on the couch, relaxed but alert, clearly relishing the opportunity to help and looking like he might, just might, be able to.
    I didn’t know what to say, and for a moment I looked at my dad and thought about the push-ups, and the beer, and the Pussycat, and the rubbers, and thought I must be crazy. Then I closed my eyes and fired away.
    â€œDad, I’m having girl problems.”
    He resumed his dinner-table
Thinker
pose and stroked his chin. He squinted a little and then closed one eye, a study in concentration. Surely he was weighing all the options, drawing inevitable conclusions, and would momentarily come bubbling forth with a sparkling nugget of knowledge that could transform my life in an instant. Then again, this was the same guy who’d used the term “bald-headed champion” only a few hours earlier. What had I been thinking?
    His initial analysis of the situation surprised me.
    â€œWell Andy, taking into account that all women are by nature different, and taking into account that you have yet to introduce me to your friend Terri, I would have to first warn you that forming a specific game plan for your specific situation could prove somewhat difficult.”
    He sounded smart. My dad sounded smart! I could almost feel those clouds dispersing.
    â€œWith that in mind, there are some generalities, some strategies if you will, that do appear to be effective with most women I’ve encountered.”
    The anticipation was killing me. Sure my dad had his share of somewhat odd idiosyncrasies, and yeah, maybe he didn’t do things that other dads did, but women did like the guy, and there had to be a reason. And I was pretty sure it wasn’t the fuzzy dice. He opened his mouth. “Well Andy, whenever possible, get them to lick your ass.”
    The clouds in my mind that had seemed to disperse accumulated en masse and rained all over my parade. I waited for a big laugh, and then a pat on the back to let me know that I’d been had. We would share a good chuckle over the whole thing, and then he’d tutor me on the lessons of love.
    Except he wasn’t laughing. Or smiling. Not even a little. As a matter of fact, I’d never seen him quite this intense, not even when talking about the Suglings’ scarecrow.
    â€œThat way, Andy, no matter what happens after that, you’ve always got something over them.”
    I tried to speak, but my jaw was locked in the open position, like one of those Dickens carolers, with their top hats and scarves. Ol’ Tietam Brown, for his part, was beaming with pride. His great secret out, his seriousness left him and his demeanor became that of a buddy, a comrade, a pal.
    â€œAndy, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out on the town and I run into some babe who’s had her