fire. We had always wanted to come to a place like this, and it was bittersweet that we had finally gotten the chance to make that little dream of ours come true.
“It’s weird, you know,” she said. “I always imagined some day we would be huddled in front of a fire like this, enjoying a big empty house all to ourselves. Only I imagined us with gray hair and wrinkles. And with kids who had all moved out.”
“So, in your fantasy, we are empty nesters? Kind of a lame fantasy if you ask me.”
She jabbed me in the stomach with her bony elbow and laughed.
“It wasn’t my only fantasy. Just the most calming. What was one of yours?”
I didn’t like this game, not then, not ever. I hated thinking about all the things I wasn’t going to get to experience with her. Maybe it was selfish, since she was the one who would never get to experience them. I might, someday, with someone else. But I hated even the thought of that.
“Come on, tell me.”
I hesitated some more.
“If you don’t tell me, I’m going to elbow you again. These bones are sharp!”
“Okay, okay, no need for spousal abuse,” I said. “I always imagined us having a boy, and taking him to his Saturday morning baseball games. We would sit in lawn chairs under a tree, away from all the crazy parents in the stands.”
“Would we be mocking the other parents?”
“You know it.” I smiled.
“Well, what if I didn’t want our son playing baseball? What if I decided he would make a better boy scout? Or, better yet, a jockey! You love horses!”
“Then, I am pretty sure I would have locked you up the day I took him to sign up for a sport.”
“He would have been a great baseball player. Unless he got my genes. Then he would just be tall and a complete klutz.”
We both laughed, and then grew silent. The game had its charms, but it always left the player with more sorrow than before they started. I knew she was thinking about all we would miss doing together.
“Luke,” she said, as she sat up and turned toward me. Her blue eyes looked tired, worn out, but they still shone. And I thanked God for every second there was still life in them. Her eyes were what first drew me to her back in 10th grade, and I wasn’t sure how I would live without them. I felt like I had known them forever.
“I know this stuff isn’t easy to talk about,” she continued, “but I want you to be okay. More than anything. I’ll be in a better place. I won’t be hurting like I am now. But I don’t want you to hurt. This isn’t fair what’s happening to us. I always thought we would grow old together. But, God had other plans, and I want you to be okay. I don’t have much left to pray for except that.”
I really wanted to tell her to shut up. If it had been in our earlier years, I probably would have. We fought a lot in the beginning, but we were really young.
“God brought you into my life, and gave us a wonderful time together. He knew it would be short, so I think that’s probably why He let us start so young.”
“We were so foolish,” I said. “But, we were in love.”
She smiled. “You’ll need time to move on, Luke. Time to get past this. But I need you to promise me you will. I need you to promise me that you’ll find someone new to love. You have so much love to give, and it would be a shame if it went to waste.”
The last thing in the world I wanted to be thinking about was moving on, loving another person. Love was special, but love took a lot of work. We had married right out of high school, and we had struggled. We were immature, we didn’t have much money, and we argued more than I had ever argued with anyone else before. But, we made it work. She was my best friend and we made it work. I loved her, and I didn’t want to think about anything else. Fucking cancer.
She wasn’t done. Apparently, she had planned this speech for a little while.
“I’m jealous that someone will get to spend the time with you that was supposed to
“It’s weird, you know,” she said. “I always imagined some day we would be huddled in front of a fire like this, enjoying a big empty house all to ourselves. Only I imagined us with gray hair and wrinkles. And with kids who had all moved out.”
“So, in your fantasy, we are empty nesters? Kind of a lame fantasy if you ask me.”
She jabbed me in the stomach with her bony elbow and laughed.
“It wasn’t my only fantasy. Just the most calming. What was one of yours?”
I didn’t like this game, not then, not ever. I hated thinking about all the things I wasn’t going to get to experience with her. Maybe it was selfish, since she was the one who would never get to experience them. I might, someday, with someone else. But I hated even the thought of that.
“Come on, tell me.”
I hesitated some more.
“If you don’t tell me, I’m going to elbow you again. These bones are sharp!”
“Okay, okay, no need for spousal abuse,” I said. “I always imagined us having a boy, and taking him to his Saturday morning baseball games. We would sit in lawn chairs under a tree, away from all the crazy parents in the stands.”
“Would we be mocking the other parents?”
“You know it.” I smiled.
“Well, what if I didn’t want our son playing baseball? What if I decided he would make a better boy scout? Or, better yet, a jockey! You love horses!”
“Then, I am pretty sure I would have locked you up the day I took him to sign up for a sport.”
“He would have been a great baseball player. Unless he got my genes. Then he would just be tall and a complete klutz.”
We both laughed, and then grew silent. The game had its charms, but it always left the player with more sorrow than before they started. I knew she was thinking about all we would miss doing together.
“Luke,” she said, as she sat up and turned toward me. Her blue eyes looked tired, worn out, but they still shone. And I thanked God for every second there was still life in them. Her eyes were what first drew me to her back in 10th grade, and I wasn’t sure how I would live without them. I felt like I had known them forever.
“I know this stuff isn’t easy to talk about,” she continued, “but I want you to be okay. More than anything. I’ll be in a better place. I won’t be hurting like I am now. But I don’t want you to hurt. This isn’t fair what’s happening to us. I always thought we would grow old together. But, God had other plans, and I want you to be okay. I don’t have much left to pray for except that.”
I really wanted to tell her to shut up. If it had been in our earlier years, I probably would have. We fought a lot in the beginning, but we were really young.
“God brought you into my life, and gave us a wonderful time together. He knew it would be short, so I think that’s probably why He let us start so young.”
“We were so foolish,” I said. “But, we were in love.”
She smiled. “You’ll need time to move on, Luke. Time to get past this. But I need you to promise me you will. I need you to promise me that you’ll find someone new to love. You have so much love to give, and it would be a shame if it went to waste.”
The last thing in the world I wanted to be thinking about was moving on, loving another person. Love was special, but love took a lot of work. We had married right out of high school, and we had struggled. We were immature, we didn’t have much money, and we argued more than I had ever argued with anyone else before. But, we made it work. She was my best friend and we made it work. I loved her, and I didn’t want to think about anything else. Fucking cancer.
She wasn’t done. Apparently, she had planned this speech for a little while.
“I’m jealous that someone will get to spend the time with you that was supposed to
Similar Books
