Read Online The Year I Went Pear-Shaped by Tamara Pitelen - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Tamara Pitelen
Tags: Fiction, Romance, Contemporary, Secret, Relationships, BBW, Television, story, Weight Loss, crush, insanity, Happiness, country, Career, soap opera, Cupcakes, Industry, Soap Star, Heavy
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vill feel much better afterwards. And maybe you will use lipstick more, yes?"
Lipstick? I'm sitting through this character annihilation so that I might end up using more lipstick?
“Now, sit back in the chair and keep your eyes on my watch”. Leaning towards me, Tobsha pulled one of those old-fashioned gold watches on a long chain out of her jacket pocket and started swaying it backwards and forwards in front of me. It was like a scene straight out of a very bad movie and I felt a strong urge to laugh out loud. Thankfully I managed not to though, I just kept my eyes on the swinging watch and listened to Tobsha mumbling something about how I was getting sleepier and how my eyes were getting heavier. She said that I wouldn"t be able to open my eyes even I tried and I didn't want to embarrass her by proving that I could so I just kept them shut. From somewhere outside I could hear a baby crying, balling its eyes out in fact, obviously very upset about something but its mother must"ve come along because it stopped after a while. Then I could hear the sea, which was weird because the sea was miles away. The next thing I knew Tobsha was telling me that my eyes were getting lighter again and that when she finished counting to ten, I'd open them. Again, to humour her, I did just that.
"Ok, zat's it for today Dahlink. You did very vell! You vere strong and made a good start. Ve vill av you sorted out in no time. Ok, so I see you next week same time, yes?"
Thanking her, I agreed and got out of there as fast as I could. Suddenly I felt utterly drained and all I wanted to do was go home and put my feet up with a nice cup of sweet tea.
Or maybe a bourbon and coke and a menthol ciggie. Not that I smoke you understand.
Chapter 10: Bloody diets
“It’s easy Darla,” Mum continued. “You just have to eat the foods that are right for your body based on your blood group. It’s all very scientific. Apparently we’ve all got genetic codes based on our neanderthal ancestors. Some people are gatherers which means they need to eat mostly plant food and grains while other people are hunters which means they need to eat mostly meat and veges and stay away from bread. You’re a hunter so you have to eat fish, chicken, red meat plus lots of vegetables.”
It all made perfect sense according to Mum. She now believed that the reason I could never lose weight in the past was because I was fighting my DNA by not eating enough meat. She’d just finished telling me that the ten years I spent as a vegetarian was the worst thing I could possibly do, the cause of all my problems. All those years I’d spent making lentil lasagne and chickpea casseroles would’ve been far better spent chowing down on bloody steaks and bacon sarnies.
Well, whatever, I was willing to give it a try.
“So, I should be eating loads of meat?”
“Yes Darling! Because your body is programmed to respond to animal protein just like your cavemen ancestors. It’s been proven you know. Apparently, meat protein will make you feel full while breads and starches won’t. Look, just give it a try, it can’t hurt can it? After all it’s working for your Aunty Viv, she’s lost 15 kilos now. She looks amazing! Although, apparently she’s on some diet pill as well that she got from her doctor. I don’t know what it is exactly but it’s made her a new woman, she’s running round at a million miles an hour! Just between you and me, she even says her sex drive is back. I mean she’s 67 for goodness sake, the fact that she even remembers what sex is is a miracle. Especially when you look at Uncle Bryan, hardly the type to incite lust is he?”
My Uncle Bryan was knocking on 70, a retired bus driver. He’d spent 34 years on the 426 route, going back and forth between Circular Quay and Newtown. Mum thought he was one of the most boring men on the planet but I thought he was brilliant. He had a wit that was drier than a sand dune and a twinkle in his eye. When I
Lipstick? I'm sitting through this character annihilation so that I might end up using more lipstick?
“Now, sit back in the chair and keep your eyes on my watch”. Leaning towards me, Tobsha pulled one of those old-fashioned gold watches on a long chain out of her jacket pocket and started swaying it backwards and forwards in front of me. It was like a scene straight out of a very bad movie and I felt a strong urge to laugh out loud. Thankfully I managed not to though, I just kept my eyes on the swinging watch and listened to Tobsha mumbling something about how I was getting sleepier and how my eyes were getting heavier. She said that I wouldn"t be able to open my eyes even I tried and I didn't want to embarrass her by proving that I could so I just kept them shut. From somewhere outside I could hear a baby crying, balling its eyes out in fact, obviously very upset about something but its mother must"ve come along because it stopped after a while. Then I could hear the sea, which was weird because the sea was miles away. The next thing I knew Tobsha was telling me that my eyes were getting lighter again and that when she finished counting to ten, I'd open them. Again, to humour her, I did just that.
"Ok, zat's it for today Dahlink. You did very vell! You vere strong and made a good start. Ve vill av you sorted out in no time. Ok, so I see you next week same time, yes?"
Thanking her, I agreed and got out of there as fast as I could. Suddenly I felt utterly drained and all I wanted to do was go home and put my feet up with a nice cup of sweet tea.
Or maybe a bourbon and coke and a menthol ciggie. Not that I smoke you understand.
Chapter 10: Bloody diets
“It’s easy Darla,” Mum continued. “You just have to eat the foods that are right for your body based on your blood group. It’s all very scientific. Apparently we’ve all got genetic codes based on our neanderthal ancestors. Some people are gatherers which means they need to eat mostly plant food and grains while other people are hunters which means they need to eat mostly meat and veges and stay away from bread. You’re a hunter so you have to eat fish, chicken, red meat plus lots of vegetables.”
It all made perfect sense according to Mum. She now believed that the reason I could never lose weight in the past was because I was fighting my DNA by not eating enough meat. She’d just finished telling me that the ten years I spent as a vegetarian was the worst thing I could possibly do, the cause of all my problems. All those years I’d spent making lentil lasagne and chickpea casseroles would’ve been far better spent chowing down on bloody steaks and bacon sarnies.
Well, whatever, I was willing to give it a try.
“So, I should be eating loads of meat?”
“Yes Darling! Because your body is programmed to respond to animal protein just like your cavemen ancestors. It’s been proven you know. Apparently, meat protein will make you feel full while breads and starches won’t. Look, just give it a try, it can’t hurt can it? After all it’s working for your Aunty Viv, she’s lost 15 kilos now. She looks amazing! Although, apparently she’s on some diet pill as well that she got from her doctor. I don’t know what it is exactly but it’s made her a new woman, she’s running round at a million miles an hour! Just between you and me, she even says her sex drive is back. I mean she’s 67 for goodness sake, the fact that she even remembers what sex is is a miracle. Especially when you look at Uncle Bryan, hardly the type to incite lust is he?”
My Uncle Bryan was knocking on 70, a retired bus driver. He’d spent 34 years on the 426 route, going back and forth between Circular Quay and Newtown. Mum thought he was one of the most boring men on the planet but I thought he was brilliant. He had a wit that was drier than a sand dune and a twinkle in his eye. When I
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