Read Online The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld by Stephen Briggs Terry Pratchett - Free Book Online
Authors: Stephen Briggs Terry Pratchett
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sense it’s still last night . .. Let’s just see where we’ve got to, shall we? What, metaphorically speaking, walks on four legs just after midnight, on two legs for most of the day—’
‘—barring accidents,’ said the Sphinx, pathetically eager to show that it was making a contribution.
‘Fine, on two legs barring accidents, until at least suppertime, when it walks with three legs—’
‘I’ve known people use two walking sticks,’ said the Sphinx helpfully.
‘Okay How about: when it continues to walk on two legs or with any prosthetic aids of its choice?’
The Sphinx gave this some consideration.
‘Ye-ess,’ it said gravely. ‘That seems to fit all eventualities.’
*
The city of the dead lay before Teppic. After Ankh-Morpork, which was almost its direct opposite (in Ankh, even the bedding was alive) it was probably the biggest city on the Disc.
† It was quite a big frog, however, and got into the air ducts and kept everyone awake for weeks.
T HIS is where the dragons went. They lie … not dead, not asleep, but… dormant. And although the space they occupy isn’t like normal space, nevertheless they are packed in tightly. They could put you in mind of a can of sardines, if you thought sardines were huge and scaly. And presumably, somewhere, there’s a key…
The Library was the greatest assemblage of magical texts anywhere in the multiverse. Thousands of volumes of occult lore weighted its shelves.
It was said that, since vast amounts of magic can seriously distort the mundane world, the Library did not obey the normal rules of space and time. It was said that it went on forever. It was said that you could wander for days among the distant shelves, and that there were lost tribes of research students somewhere in there.
Wise students in search of more distant volumes took care to leave chalk marks on the shelves as they roamed deeper into the fusty darkness, and told friends to come looking for them if they weren’t back by supper.
*
Not many people these days remarked upon the fact that the Librarian was an ape. The change had been brought about by a magical accident, always a possibility where so many powerful books are kept together, and he was considered to have got off lightly. After all, he was still basically the same shape. And he had been allowed to keep his job, which he was rather good at, although ‘allowed’ is not really the right word. It was the way he could roll his upper lip back to reveal more incredibly yellow teeth than any other mouth the University Council had ever seen before that somehow made sure the matter was never really raised.
*
The figure rapped a complex code on the dark woodwork. A tiny barred hatch opened and one suspicious eye peered out.
‘ “The significant owl hoots in the night,”‘ said the visitor, trying to wring the rainwater out of its robe.
‘ “Yet many grey lords go sadly to the masterless men,”‘ intoned a voice on the other side of the grille.
‘ “Hooray, hooray for the spinster’s sister’s daughter,”‘ countered the dripping figure.
‘ “To the axeman, all supplicants are the same height.” ‘
‘ “Yet verily, the rose is within the thorn.”‘
‘ “The good mother makes bean soup for the errant boy,”‘ said the voice behind the door.
There was a pause, broken only by the sound of the rain. Then the visitor said, ‘What?’
‘ “The good mother makes bean soup for the errant boy.” ‘
There was another, longer pause. Then the damp figure said, ‘Are you sure the ill-built tower doesn’t tremble mightily at a butterfly’s passage?’
‘Nope. Bean soup it is. I’m sorry.’
‘What about the cagéd whale?’ said the soaking visitor, trying to squeeze into what little shelter the dread portal offered.
‘What about it?’
‘It should know nothing of the mighty deeps, if you must know.’
‘Oh, the caged whale. You want the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night. Three
‘—barring accidents,’ said the Sphinx, pathetically eager to show that it was making a contribution.
‘Fine, on two legs barring accidents, until at least suppertime, when it walks with three legs—’
‘I’ve known people use two walking sticks,’ said the Sphinx helpfully.
‘Okay How about: when it continues to walk on two legs or with any prosthetic aids of its choice?’
The Sphinx gave this some consideration.
‘Ye-ess,’ it said gravely. ‘That seems to fit all eventualities.’
*
The city of the dead lay before Teppic. After Ankh-Morpork, which was almost its direct opposite (in Ankh, even the bedding was alive) it was probably the biggest city on the Disc.
† It was quite a big frog, however, and got into the air ducts and kept everyone awake for weeks.
T HIS is where the dragons went. They lie … not dead, not asleep, but… dormant. And although the space they occupy isn’t like normal space, nevertheless they are packed in tightly. They could put you in mind of a can of sardines, if you thought sardines were huge and scaly. And presumably, somewhere, there’s a key…
The Library was the greatest assemblage of magical texts anywhere in the multiverse. Thousands of volumes of occult lore weighted its shelves.
It was said that, since vast amounts of magic can seriously distort the mundane world, the Library did not obey the normal rules of space and time. It was said that it went on forever. It was said that you could wander for days among the distant shelves, and that there were lost tribes of research students somewhere in there.
Wise students in search of more distant volumes took care to leave chalk marks on the shelves as they roamed deeper into the fusty darkness, and told friends to come looking for them if they weren’t back by supper.
*
Not many people these days remarked upon the fact that the Librarian was an ape. The change had been brought about by a magical accident, always a possibility where so many powerful books are kept together, and he was considered to have got off lightly. After all, he was still basically the same shape. And he had been allowed to keep his job, which he was rather good at, although ‘allowed’ is not really the right word. It was the way he could roll his upper lip back to reveal more incredibly yellow teeth than any other mouth the University Council had ever seen before that somehow made sure the matter was never really raised.
*
The figure rapped a complex code on the dark woodwork. A tiny barred hatch opened and one suspicious eye peered out.
‘ “The significant owl hoots in the night,”‘ said the visitor, trying to wring the rainwater out of its robe.
‘ “Yet many grey lords go sadly to the masterless men,”‘ intoned a voice on the other side of the grille.
‘ “Hooray, hooray for the spinster’s sister’s daughter,”‘ countered the dripping figure.
‘ “To the axeman, all supplicants are the same height.” ‘
‘ “Yet verily, the rose is within the thorn.”‘
‘ “The good mother makes bean soup for the errant boy,”‘ said the voice behind the door.
There was a pause, broken only by the sound of the rain. Then the visitor said, ‘What?’
‘ “The good mother makes bean soup for the errant boy.” ‘
There was another, longer pause. Then the damp figure said, ‘Are you sure the ill-built tower doesn’t tremble mightily at a butterfly’s passage?’
‘Nope. Bean soup it is. I’m sorry.’
‘What about the cagéd whale?’ said the soaking visitor, trying to squeeze into what little shelter the dread portal offered.
‘What about it?’
‘It should know nothing of the mighty deeps, if you must know.’
‘Oh, the caged whale. You want the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night. Three
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