Read Online The Weight of Small Things by Sherri Wood Emmons - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Sherri Wood Emmons
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film of dust.
He filled the sink with soapy water and began washing dishes. By the time Bryn returned, shaky and paler than ever, he had cleared the sink, emptied the ashtrays, and was wiping down the blinds.
“What are you doing?”
“Just picking up a little. You know, you should ask Paul not to smoke in the apartment. It’s not good for you or the baby.”
“Stop it, Bob. I’m not having this baby. I told you last night, I can’t.” She grabbed the dishrag from him. “And I don’t need you to clean my damn house!”
He stood watching as she poured two cups of coffee, added cream and sugar to one, and handed it to him, keeping the black brew for herself. Then he followed her silently into the living room. She flopped down onto the couch and stared darkly at him. He sat down and sipped his coffee, waiting. He knew Bryn, knew if he waited she would calm down and talk to him, knew better than to be offended by her outburst.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking coffee. Finally, Bryn breathed a long, shuddering sigh and set her cup down.
“Okay, look,” she said, leaning forward, “I cannot have a baby. Not with Paul. He’s just not father material. He doesn’t like kids and he doesn’t want them. He’d be a terrible dad. Hell, he’s still a kid himself.”
“He’s forty-six,” Bob said quietly.
“I know that, but he still thinks he’s twenty. Christ, he spends almost every night sitting here getting stoned. He’s still teaching as an adjunct after all these years. The school is never going to offer him a tenure-track position, and he knows it. But still he stays. He has no savings, no long-term plans, no goals or ambitions. Everything we own is in this apartment,” she said, waving her hand at the room. “What the hell kind of life could we offer a kid? Besides,” she added, “I’d be a lousy mom. I can’t even leave Paul and take care of myself. How would I take care of a kid?”
“Why don’t you leave him?”
“What would I do? I’m thirty-two and I’ve never worked a full-time job. I don’t think I could even get a full-time job at this point. Who’d hire me? And I can’t afford a decent place on my own.” Bryn took a pack of cigarettes from the end table, pulled one from the pack, and began tapping it with her fingernail.
“You’re not smoking again, are you?”
“No,” she sighed, returning the cigarette to the pack. “It took too long to quit last time. But, God, I wish I could have one now.”
Bryn stood and began pacing around the small living room. She looked like a caged animal, Bob thought. Taut, wired, and ready to spring. He waited again, silently.
“I know I should leave,” she said at last. “I know he’s not going to change. He’s not going to grow up. I know that.” She sighed. “It used to be so much fun, you know? He was so charming and fun. He seemed so free . But it’s not free, really, it’s just irresponsible.”
She picked up the cigarettes again, held the pack for a moment, then crushed it slowly in her hand.
“I could stay another ten years and nothing would change. He wouldn’t change. I wouldn’t change. Nothing would change.”
“Then leave.” Bob leaned forward. “Leave him and have this baby. You don’t need him. You can do it on your own—lots of women do. And you have so many friends to help you.”
Bob rose and took Bryn’s hand. “Corrie will help you, and Kenetha and Sarah. She knows all the good babysitters. And I’ll be there for you, too.”
Bryn stared at him in silence.
“You’ll be a good mom, Bryn. There’s no one with more love to give than you. I know it will be hard. Of course it will be hard. Even with two parents and a steady income, parenting is hard. But, God, it’s so worth it. You can’t even know. When you hold that baby in your arms, and he’s just looking up at you, trusting you, and you’re his whole world—or hers. God, it will just blow you away.”
Bryn let the tears
He filled the sink with soapy water and began washing dishes. By the time Bryn returned, shaky and paler than ever, he had cleared the sink, emptied the ashtrays, and was wiping down the blinds.
“What are you doing?”
“Just picking up a little. You know, you should ask Paul not to smoke in the apartment. It’s not good for you or the baby.”
“Stop it, Bob. I’m not having this baby. I told you last night, I can’t.” She grabbed the dishrag from him. “And I don’t need you to clean my damn house!”
He stood watching as she poured two cups of coffee, added cream and sugar to one, and handed it to him, keeping the black brew for herself. Then he followed her silently into the living room. She flopped down onto the couch and stared darkly at him. He sat down and sipped his coffee, waiting. He knew Bryn, knew if he waited she would calm down and talk to him, knew better than to be offended by her outburst.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking coffee. Finally, Bryn breathed a long, shuddering sigh and set her cup down.
“Okay, look,” she said, leaning forward, “I cannot have a baby. Not with Paul. He’s just not father material. He doesn’t like kids and he doesn’t want them. He’d be a terrible dad. Hell, he’s still a kid himself.”
“He’s forty-six,” Bob said quietly.
“I know that, but he still thinks he’s twenty. Christ, he spends almost every night sitting here getting stoned. He’s still teaching as an adjunct after all these years. The school is never going to offer him a tenure-track position, and he knows it. But still he stays. He has no savings, no long-term plans, no goals or ambitions. Everything we own is in this apartment,” she said, waving her hand at the room. “What the hell kind of life could we offer a kid? Besides,” she added, “I’d be a lousy mom. I can’t even leave Paul and take care of myself. How would I take care of a kid?”
“Why don’t you leave him?”
“What would I do? I’m thirty-two and I’ve never worked a full-time job. I don’t think I could even get a full-time job at this point. Who’d hire me? And I can’t afford a decent place on my own.” Bryn took a pack of cigarettes from the end table, pulled one from the pack, and began tapping it with her fingernail.
“You’re not smoking again, are you?”
“No,” she sighed, returning the cigarette to the pack. “It took too long to quit last time. But, God, I wish I could have one now.”
Bryn stood and began pacing around the small living room. She looked like a caged animal, Bob thought. Taut, wired, and ready to spring. He waited again, silently.
“I know I should leave,” she said at last. “I know he’s not going to change. He’s not going to grow up. I know that.” She sighed. “It used to be so much fun, you know? He was so charming and fun. He seemed so free . But it’s not free, really, it’s just irresponsible.”
She picked up the cigarettes again, held the pack for a moment, then crushed it slowly in her hand.
“I could stay another ten years and nothing would change. He wouldn’t change. I wouldn’t change. Nothing would change.”
“Then leave.” Bob leaned forward. “Leave him and have this baby. You don’t need him. You can do it on your own—lots of women do. And you have so many friends to help you.”
Bob rose and took Bryn’s hand. “Corrie will help you, and Kenetha and Sarah. She knows all the good babysitters. And I’ll be there for you, too.”
Bryn stared at him in silence.
“You’ll be a good mom, Bryn. There’s no one with more love to give than you. I know it will be hard. Of course it will be hard. Even with two parents and a steady income, parenting is hard. But, God, it’s so worth it. You can’t even know. When you hold that baby in your arms, and he’s just looking up at you, trusting you, and you’re his whole world—or hers. God, it will just blow you away.”
Bryn let the tears
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