Read Online The Virginity Mission by Cate Ellink - Free Book Online Page A

out and surprise you guys.” Fiona waves her hands as she works her way around hugging each of us. “I brought you extra food. I thought you might need it. You guys went the farthest and had the least provisions. And you all look starving.”
    Jason stares at me but I can’t read his stare. It’s heavy, intense and I know he’s trying to tell me something but I don’t know what it is. Fiona’s in front of me and I collect my hug dutifully but I’m stiff. She gives me an extra squeeze which does nothing to relax me. I don’t want a hug from her. I glance over her shoulder at Jason but he’s turned away. I would have relaxed in his hug.
    We pile into the vehicle for the run back to the caravan park. I know I should look into the rear vision mirror and catch Jason’s gaze. I feel it on me during the short trip. But I can’t. I don’t want to see apology. I don’t want to see pity.
    Fiona makes things lighter. Her teasing nature brings out the best in everyone. Our group is full of laughter as the night progresses. I don’t want to enjoy her company. I want to hate her but I can’t. I learned long ago you can’t hate women because men like them and not you. It’s not easy to sit here with merriment surrounding me, when I’d much rather slink off and feel sorry for myself. Although, I’ve had two nights of wallowing in my misery so I probably should get over myself and try to enjoy the evening. Plastering a smile to my face is the closest I can get to merriment. It might take a few days for my ego to be soothed.
    A while after dinner I realise Jason isn’t with us. I saw him at dinner and we spoke to each other in the general conversation with others. I haven’t tried to be alone with him. I’m a scaredy cat at heart. If I see him alone then the bubble really will burst and I’ll have nothing to pull the shards of my heart back together. It hurts not talking to him and I hate being like this. I hate not knowing. Is it better to know?
    It’s frustrating being in a crowd of happy people when you’re preoccupied. Is that why Jason left? I wonder if I can sneak off to be alone. Heck, where did my self-confidence go? First sign of trouble and it’s fled. Is that what I always do?
    This time I’m not going to stand aside. I made a decision on that shale hill slope and I’m sticking with it. I’m going to talk to Jason.
    I move away, heading towards the toilet block as a deterrent should anyone wonder where I’m going. I’ve every intention of finding Jason and seeing where I stand. Neil camped a few sites away from us, closer to the beach. I hope Jason has the same site. Picking my way towards the site from the toilet block, I try to keep to the shadows so no one will see me. What plausible explanation could I give for roaming around the campsite when I haven’t done that before? After being here three days, it’s a bit late for exploring.
    The dark outline of the army vehicle looms before me. I have the right spot. Butterflies flutter in my stomach but I don’t have time for them. I’ve come this far. I have to see it through. Soft music plays. I stand in the shadows and wait to see if anyone else is at the site. Except for the music, it’s silent. I scrunch my eyes as I debate with myself. I’ve come this far, I can’t chicken out. Part of me wants to run far away. But I also want to go forward. I don’t know which is worse. But I made a promise to myself and I’m not letting myself down.
    I take a step forward, biting my lip. It’s a tentative move but in the right direction.
    A shadow moves inside the vehicle. Moves but doesn’t get out. What am I to do? I try to calm my fractured nerves by rationalising. The worst I can think of is he’ll tell me to piss off. I can handle that. I’ll go and it’ll be no worse than not coming here. I walk to the side