Read Online The Toyminator by Robert Rankin - Free Book Online Page A

sandwich.”
    Eddie looked at Jack. And Jack looked at Eddie.
    “He’s right,” said Jack.
    “He is,” said Eddie. “So why is that, do you think?”
    “Because of the eternal question,” said Bellis.
    “Ah,” said Eddie.
    “Ah,” said Jack.
    “What eternal question?” said Eddie.
    “Oh, come on,” said Bellis. “What came first, the chicken or the egg? I mean, how could you eat the sandwich? You wouldn’t know which bit to eat first. You’d go mad trying. And believe me, I have tried. And I have gone mad.”
    “Most encouraging,” whispered Eddie to Jack. “I can see this being a long and difficult evening.”
    “Is it evening already?” asked Jack.
    “Let’s just assume that it is.”
    “There’s no solution to it,” said Chief Inspector Bellis. “It’s one of those things that’s best left alone. Forgotten about, in fact. In fact, let us never mention the subject again.”
    “I’m up for that,” said Eddie, offering the chief inspector an encouraging smile. “So, is it all right if Jack and I go now?”
    Chief Inspector Bellis shook his head. “Not as such,” he said. “In fact, not at all. There are these charges to be considered. Things do not look altogether good for you.”
    “But I am innocent,” said Eddie.
    “That, I’m afraid, is what they all say.”
    “But Eddie
is
innocent,” said Jack. “And I can prove it.”
    “Can you?” Eddie asked.
    “Of course I can,” said Jack. “The proprietor of the cigar store said that Eddie purchased those cigars yesterday evening, did he not?”
    “I heard him say that,” said Eddie.
    Chief Inspector Bellis perused notes upon his desk. “That
is
what he said,” he said. “Shortly before eight, last evening, just before he closed up.”
    “That’s right,” said Jack. “He said something about the rain and Eddie leaving puddles on his floor.”
    Chief Inspector Bellis did further perusings and nodded.
    “Then it can’t have been Eddie,” said Jack.
    “No, it can’t,” said Eddie. “I have an alibi. I was in Tinto’s Bar at that time, and that’s right across the city.”
    Chief Inspector Bellis made a thoughtful face. It was a very good thoughtful face and both Jack and Eddie were tempted to ask him to make it once more. But only tempted. They showed laudable restraint. “Well, an alibi is an alibi,” said the chief inspector. “But I can see no reason why we should let that stand in the way of letting the law take its course and justice getting done.”
    “Eh?” said Eddie.
    “What?” said Jack.
    “Well,” said Bellis, “as I won’t be following up on the alibi, it hardly matters, does it?”
    “Eh?” said Eddie again.
    And Jack did another “
What
?” Although louder than the first.
    “Crime and punishment share a certain empathy,” Chief Inspector Bellis explained, “in that both are dispassionate. The criminal goes about his work in a dispassionate manner. He cares not whom he hurts or harms. He doesn’t care about the feelings of others. And so the law behaves towards the criminal in a similar manner. The law cares not for the criminal, it simply seeks to lock him away so that he may perform no further crime.”
    “But I’m innocent,” said Eddie.
    “And if I were not dispassionate, I would care for your woes,” said Bellis. “But that would be unprofessional. I must never get personally involved. There’s no telling what might happen if I did so, is there?”
    “You might free the innocent and convict only the guilty,” was Eddie’s suggestion.
    “The distinction between guilt and innocence is a subtle one.”
    “No, it’s not,” said Eddie. “You’re either guilty or you’re not.”
    “I’ll thank you not to confuse the issue. Charges have been made and you have been arrested. End of story, really.”
    “This is outrageous,” said Jack. “I demand to speak to your superior.”
    “I don’t think that will be necessary.”
    “Oh yes it will,” said Jack. “I will