for
eternity if there’s a five star hotel available, too.”
“I see,” Sycko murmured. “I
hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“There you go. In fact martyrs
can be so eager to check in to their part of paradise that they
don’t want to be kept waiting too long, but more on that another
time. Suffice it to say that in superparadise even your most
extravagant wishes and desires are like mere child’s play. Why, I
can tell you with the full authority of The Holy Dryvel that every
martyr is welcomed by 99 trillion eternal virgins who are his to do
with as he pleases in all eternity.”
“That’s quite a lot of women. I
can’t quite imagine…”
“I say it is a lot. Now are you
beginning to see how wonderful it could be to become a martyr?”
“How much is 99 trillion
actually? I mean if I, or I should say a martyr, meets one of them
every day then…?”
“Ah, I see what you mean,”
Jeremiah said and got a calculator. “Now then, 99 trillion divided
by 365 equals 271,232,876,712. Just imagine, my dear Sycko! For
more than 271 billion years a martyr has one new virgin every day.
Of course, if it so pleases a martyr he may have more than one a
day…”
“They’re all his, as you said.
But what happens after the 271 billion years? I mean does a martyr
go back to the first…?”
“Just as he wants, Sycko, just
as he wants. But then, would you still remember the first one after
271 billion years?”
“No, I suppose I wouldn’t. It’s
rather a long time. I can’t even remember what I had for dinner
last night.”
“Ah, there you are. But then as
I told you before we shouldn’t always take these things too
literally. After all, what are a few billion years when you are in
the middle of eternity? And we shouldn’t be too pettish or greedy,
even in superparadise. How much better it is to thank the Lord for
His munificence in providing so magnanimously for a true martyr.
But let’s take a look at the next law, shall we?
VII. Believe and go to heaven,
think and be cast into hell fires.
A very simple and
straightforward law I should say. Always remember the old Dryveller
proverb: Blessed are the gullible.”
“That’s easy enough then,” Sycko
said happily. “If I’d known that before I went to school I could
have saved myself years of trouble trying to think. I’m glad it’s
all over now.”
“Excellent, I’m delighted you’re
taking it that way. The next law is also very simple:
VIII. All humans are
Dryvellers.
I believe I’ve told you before
how we are all born as Dryvellers?”
“I remember! It’s how we drool
and drivel from the day of our birth, right?”
“Quite right, you’ve got a good
memory. Unfortunately there are those who would deny Dryvellism and
as such deny God. But for these hate criminals the Lord has
provided, too:
IX. Maim, torture, kill and
slaughter those who deny Dryvellism.
Always remember, Sycko, a human
who denies Dryvellism is like a faulty product. If it can’t be
mended then you send it back to the factory. The Dryvellism deniers
are just the same. They are faulty and killing them isn’t murder.
It’s not even a killing. It’s nothing more than sending a faulty
soul back to where it came from. It’s up to the Lord to do the rest
then. And last but not least is the tenth law:
X. Dryvellism is a religion of
peace. Death to those who do not believe it.
Truly, Sycko, the Lord is
merciful and it is He who has given us humans peace. Peace is a
wonderful thing and it is something our lives wouldn’t be worth
living without.”
“Ah, yes, that’s right, but I
don’t quite understand… I mean isn’t that bit about death some sort
of contradiction?”
“Not at all, my dear boy, not at
all. Of course Dryvellism is a religion of peace. We bring peace to
all humanity. But what about those who reject and deny Dryvellism?
Those lawless troublemakers and haters who incite against the Lord
and against Dryvellism?
eternity if there’s a five star hotel available, too.”
“I see,” Sycko murmured. “I
hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“There you go. In fact martyrs
can be so eager to check in to their part of paradise that they
don’t want to be kept waiting too long, but more on that another
time. Suffice it to say that in superparadise even your most
extravagant wishes and desires are like mere child’s play. Why, I
can tell you with the full authority of The Holy Dryvel that every
martyr is welcomed by 99 trillion eternal virgins who are his to do
with as he pleases in all eternity.”
“That’s quite a lot of women. I
can’t quite imagine…”
“I say it is a lot. Now are you
beginning to see how wonderful it could be to become a martyr?”
“How much is 99 trillion
actually? I mean if I, or I should say a martyr, meets one of them
every day then…?”
“Ah, I see what you mean,”
Jeremiah said and got a calculator. “Now then, 99 trillion divided
by 365 equals 271,232,876,712. Just imagine, my dear Sycko! For
more than 271 billion years a martyr has one new virgin every day.
Of course, if it so pleases a martyr he may have more than one a
day…”
“They’re all his, as you said.
But what happens after the 271 billion years? I mean does a martyr
go back to the first…?”
“Just as he wants, Sycko, just
as he wants. But then, would you still remember the first one after
271 billion years?”
“No, I suppose I wouldn’t. It’s
rather a long time. I can’t even remember what I had for dinner
last night.”
“Ah, there you are. But then as
I told you before we shouldn’t always take these things too
literally. After all, what are a few billion years when you are in
the middle of eternity? And we shouldn’t be too pettish or greedy,
even in superparadise. How much better it is to thank the Lord for
His munificence in providing so magnanimously for a true martyr.
But let’s take a look at the next law, shall we?
VII. Believe and go to heaven,
think and be cast into hell fires.
A very simple and
straightforward law I should say. Always remember the old Dryveller
proverb: Blessed are the gullible.”
“That’s easy enough then,” Sycko
said happily. “If I’d known that before I went to school I could
have saved myself years of trouble trying to think. I’m glad it’s
all over now.”
“Excellent, I’m delighted you’re
taking it that way. The next law is also very simple:
VIII. All humans are
Dryvellers.
I believe I’ve told you before
how we are all born as Dryvellers?”
“I remember! It’s how we drool
and drivel from the day of our birth, right?”
“Quite right, you’ve got a good
memory. Unfortunately there are those who would deny Dryvellism and
as such deny God. But for these hate criminals the Lord has
provided, too:
IX. Maim, torture, kill and
slaughter those who deny Dryvellism.
Always remember, Sycko, a human
who denies Dryvellism is like a faulty product. If it can’t be
mended then you send it back to the factory. The Dryvellism deniers
are just the same. They are faulty and killing them isn’t murder.
It’s not even a killing. It’s nothing more than sending a faulty
soul back to where it came from. It’s up to the Lord to do the rest
then. And last but not least is the tenth law:
X. Dryvellism is a religion of
peace. Death to those who do not believe it.
Truly, Sycko, the Lord is
merciful and it is He who has given us humans peace. Peace is a
wonderful thing and it is something our lives wouldn’t be worth
living without.”
“Ah, yes, that’s right, but I
don’t quite understand… I mean isn’t that bit about death some sort
of contradiction?”
“Not at all, my dear boy, not at
all. Of course Dryvellism is a religion of peace. We bring peace to
all humanity. But what about those who reject and deny Dryvellism?
Those lawless troublemakers and haters who incite against the Lord
and against Dryvellism?
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