Read Online The Red Thread by Bryan Ellis - Free Book Online Page A

can’t control it because you’re born that way, blah, blah, blah. It’s always that clichéd bullshit. I know it happens a lot in life, but it didn’t to me. My mom just smiled and said she knew. She knew? I asked her how. Her only response was that a good mother always knows. It might also be because when I was only four years old, she caught me trying on her one pair of high heels she kept around for special occasions. That could have given it away too, but who knows. Clara was the same. She hugged me and told me she loved me. Dad just remained silent. I was only fourteen when I came out. I was fairly young, but I knew. My parents used to tell me I was quite mature for my age. Maybe that’s why I’m so depressed. I was mature enough at a young age to know how the world truly is: a piece of shit rock that fucks everyone and anyone over. It’s not something young children should realize.
    “So are you going to tell me who you’re planning to see today?”
    I look up, my eyes wide. How did she know?
    “What?”
    “Who is the boy?”
    “How did you know?”
    “I notice things. I’m your mother, not a wall ornament. I saw your smile last night, and I see that you’re dressing up to go to the bookshop today. I like it when you smile. You have a beautiful smile, Jess. I just wish the world got to see it more often. This boy must be special to be able to pull that smile from you. What’s he like?”
    I watch my mom as a smile blooms on her face. It’s so beautiful and full of love. There are laugh wrinkles around her mouth, showing a lifetime of happiness.
    “His name is Adam,” I finally respond.
    “That’s a nice name. I like Adam. Tell me about him.”
    “There really isn’t much to say. We’ve only hung out a couple times. He seems nice, I guess. But it’s really nothing. We’re just gonna be friends.”
    I downplay my attraction toward him. I don’t want her to get her hopes up for me, for what might end up just being nothing. Or is it me who doesn’t want to get my hopes up for nothing? I just really don’t want to go back to my dark place again.
    “You shouldn’t be afraid of getting attached, Jess.” It’s like she can read my mind.
    My mom kisses my forehead, and she leaves the kitchen. I’m left to ponder what she says. Why shouldn’t I be afraid? If I just let myself get attached to Adam, then when we end, it might send me back to my dark prison.
    I make myself a cup of tea and silently sip it, wondering if I’m doing the right thing with Adam. What if I really do begin to like him, what then? Do I allow it to happen, or should I stop it now before it becomes too much for me? But I’m only thinking about myself. I’m being selfish. What if I hurt him in the end? I’m only thinking about me getting attached, but it could happen to me. What if I actually succeed with killing myself, and then he’ll have to live as that guy whose boyfriend offed himself.
    Maybe I’m getting too ahead of myself. I should probably go on a date with this guy first. I pull my thesaurus out of my bag, which hangs off the back of my chair, and I open it up to a random page. I close my eyes and slide my finger over the smooth page… and I stop.
    Beautiful; adj.
    Synonyms: Attractive, pretty, handsome, good-looking, alluring, prepossessing; lovely, charming, delightful, appealing, engaging, winsome; ravishing, gorgeous, stunning, arresting, glamorous, bewitching, beguiling; graceful, elegant, exquisite, aesthetic, artistic, decorative, magnificent, cute, fair.
    Antonyms: ugly.
    Which word to choose here? I’ve had beguile before, and beautiful is too simple of a word that everyone knows. I like winsome. Yes, winsome is a very good word. As in Adam Foster is quite winsome.
    I return the small book to my bag and grab my hoodie. I leave the house, locking the door behind me. It’s still too early to go to the bookshop, so I just walk through town, taking in the warm autumn day. The leaves crunch beneath my