Read Online The Private Papers of Eastern Jewel by Maureen Lindley - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Maureen Lindley
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despise you. You are too high born to be a geisha, and if not a geisha then what are you? To them you are the shame in Natsuko's household. They pity her and will never accept you into Japanese society.'
I sank to the floor. A few minutes before I had been truly happy, now I was only too aware of how thin the membrane is that divides bliss from misery. In that terrible moment all the pain I had suppressed in my life flooded my body and I was wracked with sobs. In Yamaga's rejection I relived the separation from my mother and my father's abandonment of me. I had always believed I was happy to be beyond the conventions of society, but now I knew that I was a victim of them. The wounds I had seemed to suffer so lightly in the past came back to burn like vitriol, and I felt that I would never recover. I had never before cared that, unlike Natsuko's daughters, I was not introduced to the visiting daughters of their guests. I had felt only relief at my exclusion, believing myself to be so much more sophisticated than those shy, proper young women. Now I knew that I had been perceived as unfit society, a soiled creature inhabiting the foreign wing of the house beyond the dark man-trodden passage.
In his eagerness to placate me and to remove himself, Yamaga dressed quickly, his haste twisting the pain in me. His voice took on a hateful tone of pity.
'Look, Yoshi,' he said, 'I am going to tell you something that Kawashima should have told you himself. You are already promised to Kanjurjab, a prince and therefore your equal. You will go to him in Mongolia. He knows nothing of your reputation here and he will not judge you by it. It was a diplomatic choice made many months ago and should suit you well. We have had our fun and now it is over. You are a strong woman, I know that you will make the best of it. A prince for a princess will be an equal match.'
'And what of love?' I cried.
'What of it?' he said. 'It has nothing to do with us or with marriage, it is a thing apart and must not intrude on life's serious purpose. Stop thinking with your blood, Yoshiko, use your mind and prosper.' He picked up his hat and moved towards the door. 'Have a fortunate life, Yoshi, be a dutiful wife and accept your fate. At the end of the day you are only a woman, there is no other way for you.'
He was wrong in that, there are always other ways for those prepared to risk them. But I was so wounded then that I could not take relief from that conviction or from my mother's words, which Sorry kept repeating like a mantra: 'The stronger the wind the stronger the tree.' I had never desired anything or anyone as much as I desired Yamaga, but in loving him I had forgotten my vow never to care for anyone above myself, and I was paying a high price for that lapse.
I would say goodbye to that day, put it behind me for ever. From now on I would date the things that happened to me to be before Yamaga or after Yamaga. He remains for me a splendid, deathless man, the only one I was to love in the way that can leave you feeling disembowelled. He left an ache in me that can be accessed far too easily for my liking, and one that still erupts on shadowy days in what I call my little deaths. Yet I have never regretted my time with him. It is proper to experience true love at least once in your life.
Sorry brought me an opium pipe to remove me from my misery, but I refused it. I could not bear the thought of waking from a sweet dream to such morbid pain. I lay deathly quiet, fearing to move in case I broke into pieces. Through those dark hours I made no attempt to soothe Sorry, who was curled on the floor at my bedside, crying my tears for me.
I could have licked my wounds and tried to change, but that is more easily said than done. In any case I knew that my appetite for sex would overpower any attempt I might make at ladylike celibacy in the future. I was not a hypocrite, nor did I want to impose on my nature those things that Japanese men require in a wife. Even
I sank to the floor. A few minutes before I had been truly happy, now I was only too aware of how thin the membrane is that divides bliss from misery. In that terrible moment all the pain I had suppressed in my life flooded my body and I was wracked with sobs. In Yamaga's rejection I relived the separation from my mother and my father's abandonment of me. I had always believed I was happy to be beyond the conventions of society, but now I knew that I was a victim of them. The wounds I had seemed to suffer so lightly in the past came back to burn like vitriol, and I felt that I would never recover. I had never before cared that, unlike Natsuko's daughters, I was not introduced to the visiting daughters of their guests. I had felt only relief at my exclusion, believing myself to be so much more sophisticated than those shy, proper young women. Now I knew that I had been perceived as unfit society, a soiled creature inhabiting the foreign wing of the house beyond the dark man-trodden passage.
In his eagerness to placate me and to remove himself, Yamaga dressed quickly, his haste twisting the pain in me. His voice took on a hateful tone of pity.
'Look, Yoshi,' he said, 'I am going to tell you something that Kawashima should have told you himself. You are already promised to Kanjurjab, a prince and therefore your equal. You will go to him in Mongolia. He knows nothing of your reputation here and he will not judge you by it. It was a diplomatic choice made many months ago and should suit you well. We have had our fun and now it is over. You are a strong woman, I know that you will make the best of it. A prince for a princess will be an equal match.'
'And what of love?' I cried.
'What of it?' he said. 'It has nothing to do with us or with marriage, it is a thing apart and must not intrude on life's serious purpose. Stop thinking with your blood, Yoshiko, use your mind and prosper.' He picked up his hat and moved towards the door. 'Have a fortunate life, Yoshi, be a dutiful wife and accept your fate. At the end of the day you are only a woman, there is no other way for you.'
He was wrong in that, there are always other ways for those prepared to risk them. But I was so wounded then that I could not take relief from that conviction or from my mother's words, which Sorry kept repeating like a mantra: 'The stronger the wind the stronger the tree.' I had never desired anything or anyone as much as I desired Yamaga, but in loving him I had forgotten my vow never to care for anyone above myself, and I was paying a high price for that lapse.
I would say goodbye to that day, put it behind me for ever. From now on I would date the things that happened to me to be before Yamaga or after Yamaga. He remains for me a splendid, deathless man, the only one I was to love in the way that can leave you feeling disembowelled. He left an ache in me that can be accessed far too easily for my liking, and one that still erupts on shadowy days in what I call my little deaths. Yet I have never regretted my time with him. It is proper to experience true love at least once in your life.
Sorry brought me an opium pipe to remove me from my misery, but I refused it. I could not bear the thought of waking from a sweet dream to such morbid pain. I lay deathly quiet, fearing to move in case I broke into pieces. Through those dark hours I made no attempt to soothe Sorry, who was curled on the floor at my bedside, crying my tears for me.
I could have licked my wounds and tried to change, but that is more easily said than done. In any case I knew that my appetite for sex would overpower any attempt I might make at ladylike celibacy in the future. I was not a hypocrite, nor did I want to impose on my nature those things that Japanese men require in a wife. Even
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