morning and it wasn’t long after that I started feeling sick. I don’t know if it was the caffeine, or maybe something was wrong with the milk – it was very milky. I don’t know. But my body knew it was the wrong thing to drink. I had to almost force it down. I should have left it.’
‘I’m pretty sure the caffeine effects are only if you drink more than twenty-five cups a day, or something, for several months. One latte – even the strength Greg makes them – isn’t going to make you miscarry. But I can google caffeine too if you want . . .’
‘No, please don’t.’ She remembers the bedside table. ‘Oh God. I carried a bedside table out of the car today.’
‘OK, listen, stop. All around the world pregnant women are lifting heavy things – toddlers, farming equipment, factory machinery. The female body is tough and resilient; we’re brilliantly designed. And if you were miscarrying, the blood wouldn’t stop, would it? It would be getting worse. Didn’t Greg say that? It would surely be getting worse, with cramps and things. And you wouldn’t be feeling the baby move.’
‘I know, you’re right; that’s what Greg said too. I’m probably going in for a scan later, just to be sure.’
‘Did Greg seem worried?’
‘I don’t know. He said he wasn’t, but I think he was really.’
‘If he thought you were miscarrying, even Greg wouldn’t bugger off to Chicago.’
Tess swallows a mouthful of the tea Greg had brought her before he left.
‘Would he?’ Nell’s voice has a slight echo.
‘Of course he wouldn’t. It’s not like that. It’s just, I know it’s silly, but I can’t help wondering if he might be slightly relieved if I did lose this baby.’
‘Oh, Tess, has he still not come round? I thought he had.’
‘I don’t know. He isn’t saying anything obviously negative, but I honestly don’t know how he feels because we’ve barely talked about it – or anything else really – since we got here.’
‘Has he ever actually explained to you why he was so adamant about not wanting a child?’
‘He doesn’t have time to cope with a newborn.’
‘But plenty of people work long hours and have babies. Anyway, presumably you’d be the one at home with the newborn, not him. Surgeons do have children, don’t they? I have to say I don’t really buy that as an argument.’
‘No, nor do I. I’m sure it goes deeper than that.’
‘Could it be to do with his job? I mean, I suppose he’s seeing the worst-case scenarios every day. Maybe he’s scared something might go wrong with the baby. He’s sort of seen the dark side of parenthood, hasn’t he?’
‘Maybe, but he sees the good side too – the love, the recovery.’
‘I think you should talk to him, Tess, properly, before this baby’s born. It’s really not good to think that your husband might be relieved if you miscarried.’
‘I know, but it’s pretty much impossible to talk to him at the moment. He’s at the hospital all the time or he’s travelling, and even when he is here, he’s exhausted. Sometimes I feel almost like Joe and I have moved to this place on our own. To be honest, this whole thing sometimes feels a bit insane.’
‘I know. But it’s not though, is it? You had lots of really good reasons for doing this, apart from loving Greg and wanting to be with him, obviously. Joe’s nearer David there, you’re having an adventure; I mean, who knows what it might do for your photography – and it’s an amazing thing for Greg’s career. Don’t lose sight of all that. I wish I could come and live in Boston, I’m telling you; it’s incredibly dull here, nothing ever changes. I’d leap at the chance to live in America for a few years.’
‘I know, I’m lucky, I know. We just have to adjust, that’s all.’
‘It was always going to be tough at first.’
‘Greg’s doing his best, he really is. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself right now. And I’m sure he’ll fall in love with
‘I’m pretty sure the caffeine effects are only if you drink more than twenty-five cups a day, or something, for several months. One latte – even the strength Greg makes them – isn’t going to make you miscarry. But I can google caffeine too if you want . . .’
‘No, please don’t.’ She remembers the bedside table. ‘Oh God. I carried a bedside table out of the car today.’
‘OK, listen, stop. All around the world pregnant women are lifting heavy things – toddlers, farming equipment, factory machinery. The female body is tough and resilient; we’re brilliantly designed. And if you were miscarrying, the blood wouldn’t stop, would it? It would be getting worse. Didn’t Greg say that? It would surely be getting worse, with cramps and things. And you wouldn’t be feeling the baby move.’
‘I know, you’re right; that’s what Greg said too. I’m probably going in for a scan later, just to be sure.’
‘Did Greg seem worried?’
‘I don’t know. He said he wasn’t, but I think he was really.’
‘If he thought you were miscarrying, even Greg wouldn’t bugger off to Chicago.’
Tess swallows a mouthful of the tea Greg had brought her before he left.
‘Would he?’ Nell’s voice has a slight echo.
‘Of course he wouldn’t. It’s not like that. It’s just, I know it’s silly, but I can’t help wondering if he might be slightly relieved if I did lose this baby.’
‘Oh, Tess, has he still not come round? I thought he had.’
‘I don’t know. He isn’t saying anything obviously negative, but I honestly don’t know how he feels because we’ve barely talked about it – or anything else really – since we got here.’
‘Has he ever actually explained to you why he was so adamant about not wanting a child?’
‘He doesn’t have time to cope with a newborn.’
‘But plenty of people work long hours and have babies. Anyway, presumably you’d be the one at home with the newborn, not him. Surgeons do have children, don’t they? I have to say I don’t really buy that as an argument.’
‘No, nor do I. I’m sure it goes deeper than that.’
‘Could it be to do with his job? I mean, I suppose he’s seeing the worst-case scenarios every day. Maybe he’s scared something might go wrong with the baby. He’s sort of seen the dark side of parenthood, hasn’t he?’
‘Maybe, but he sees the good side too – the love, the recovery.’
‘I think you should talk to him, Tess, properly, before this baby’s born. It’s really not good to think that your husband might be relieved if you miscarried.’
‘I know, but it’s pretty much impossible to talk to him at the moment. He’s at the hospital all the time or he’s travelling, and even when he is here, he’s exhausted. Sometimes I feel almost like Joe and I have moved to this place on our own. To be honest, this whole thing sometimes feels a bit insane.’
‘I know. But it’s not though, is it? You had lots of really good reasons for doing this, apart from loving Greg and wanting to be with him, obviously. Joe’s nearer David there, you’re having an adventure; I mean, who knows what it might do for your photography – and it’s an amazing thing for Greg’s career. Don’t lose sight of all that. I wish I could come and live in Boston, I’m telling you; it’s incredibly dull here, nothing ever changes. I’d leap at the chance to live in America for a few years.’
‘I know, I’m lucky, I know. We just have to adjust, that’s all.’
‘It was always going to be tough at first.’
‘Greg’s doing his best, he really is. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself right now. And I’m sure he’ll fall in love with
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