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Authors: Beverly Engel
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False Belief #7: Anger Is a Destructive Emotion and Shouldn’t Be Expressed, Especially Directly to Those with Whom You Are Angry
This false belief is a very common and powerful one for many peo- ple, not just women. Those who were raised in an environment where there was one or more angry and/or violent adults often grow up believing that anger is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. This was the case with Trudy, who was raised by a mother who had frequent, unexpected rages that she directed at whoever was around. Without much warning at all, Trudy’s mother would sud- denly start screaming and throwing objects around the room. Although Trudy’s mother was mostly angry at her husband, the kids (there were five of them) were also the recipients of this rage if their mother felt they weren’t listening to her or doing as she asked.
Trudy grew up to be a very mild-mannered woman who never got angry. She immersed herself in spirituality, joining a spiritually based commune right out of high school and marrying a man who shared her beliefs. She raised her children to be passive opponents of war and all types of violence, and she was a strong proponent of diplomacy in conflict resolution. Unfortunately, her husband did not practice his purported beliefs. He was a tyrant to her and to her chil- dren, expecting them to honor his every whim. In many ways, he treated his wife and the children as if they were his slaves. Fearful of
48 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME
experiencing his anger, Trudy silently went along with her husband’s demands, no matter how unreasonable they were. It wasn’t until he began to physically abuse her children that Trudy took action. She made a formal complaint about his behavior to the leaders of the commune, even though her husband was one of the leaders. This was very risky because she wasn’t sure they would do anything and she would then anger her husband even more. Fortunately, the lead- ers took her complaint seriously and had a talk with her husband. He denied any such behavior on his part, but this did seem to curb his abusiveness for a while.
Although both men and women may have difficulties with the expression of anger, research tells us that parents and teachers dis- courage physical and direct aggression in girls early on, whereas anger in boys is either encouraged or ignored.
Rachel Simmons also found that there is still a definite double standard when it comes to aggression. Aggression is still seen as unfeminine and displays of aggression in females are punished with social rejection.
Girls and women continue to be socialized to avoid expressing their anger in direct or outward ways. In fact, “good girls” are not expected to experience anger at all. This is primarily because aggres- sion imperils a girl’s ability to be caring and nice; in other words, it undermines the image of what girls and women have been raised to become. Since girls are raised to be the caretakers and nurturers in relationships, aggression is discouraged in the belief that it endan- gers relationships.
False Belief #8: It Is Better to Avoid Conflict at All Costs
Girls are encouraged to identify with the nurturing behavior of their mothers. Many spend their childhood practicing the caretaking and nurturing of one another. Because they are expected to have perfect relationships with one another, girls are unprepared to negotiate conflict.
In a normal conflict, two people use language, their voices, or even their bodies to settle their dispute. The relationship between them is considered secondary to the issue being worked out. But with girls and women, the relationship is primary. They will do any-
T HE T EN F ALSE B ELIEFS T HAT S ET W OMEN U P 49
thing to preserve it—even if that means remaining silent and not expressing their hurt or anger. Because most girls and women have been discouraged, if not forbidden, to express anger, it goes under- ground. When anger cannot be
False Belief #7: Anger Is a Destructive Emotion and Shouldn’t Be Expressed, Especially Directly to Those with Whom You Are Angry
This false belief is a very common and powerful one for many peo- ple, not just women. Those who were raised in an environment where there was one or more angry and/or violent adults often grow up believing that anger is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. This was the case with Trudy, who was raised by a mother who had frequent, unexpected rages that she directed at whoever was around. Without much warning at all, Trudy’s mother would sud- denly start screaming and throwing objects around the room. Although Trudy’s mother was mostly angry at her husband, the kids (there were five of them) were also the recipients of this rage if their mother felt they weren’t listening to her or doing as she asked.
Trudy grew up to be a very mild-mannered woman who never got angry. She immersed herself in spirituality, joining a spiritually based commune right out of high school and marrying a man who shared her beliefs. She raised her children to be passive opponents of war and all types of violence, and she was a strong proponent of diplomacy in conflict resolution. Unfortunately, her husband did not practice his purported beliefs. He was a tyrant to her and to her chil- dren, expecting them to honor his every whim. In many ways, he treated his wife and the children as if they were his slaves. Fearful of
48 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME
experiencing his anger, Trudy silently went along with her husband’s demands, no matter how unreasonable they were. It wasn’t until he began to physically abuse her children that Trudy took action. She made a formal complaint about his behavior to the leaders of the commune, even though her husband was one of the leaders. This was very risky because she wasn’t sure they would do anything and she would then anger her husband even more. Fortunately, the lead- ers took her complaint seriously and had a talk with her husband. He denied any such behavior on his part, but this did seem to curb his abusiveness for a while.
Although both men and women may have difficulties with the expression of anger, research tells us that parents and teachers dis- courage physical and direct aggression in girls early on, whereas anger in boys is either encouraged or ignored.
Rachel Simmons also found that there is still a definite double standard when it comes to aggression. Aggression is still seen as unfeminine and displays of aggression in females are punished with social rejection.
Girls and women continue to be socialized to avoid expressing their anger in direct or outward ways. In fact, “good girls” are not expected to experience anger at all. This is primarily because aggres- sion imperils a girl’s ability to be caring and nice; in other words, it undermines the image of what girls and women have been raised to become. Since girls are raised to be the caretakers and nurturers in relationships, aggression is discouraged in the belief that it endan- gers relationships.
False Belief #8: It Is Better to Avoid Conflict at All Costs
Girls are encouraged to identify with the nurturing behavior of their mothers. Many spend their childhood practicing the caretaking and nurturing of one another. Because they are expected to have perfect relationships with one another, girls are unprepared to negotiate conflict.
In a normal conflict, two people use language, their voices, or even their bodies to settle their dispute. The relationship between them is considered secondary to the issue being worked out. But with girls and women, the relationship is primary. They will do any-
T HE T EN F ALSE B ELIEFS T HAT S ET W OMEN U P 49
thing to preserve it—even if that means remaining silent and not expressing their hurt or anger. Because most girls and women have been discouraged, if not forbidden, to express anger, it goes under- ground. When anger cannot be
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