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Authors: Beverly Engel
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time—unfortunately, they often take on this role as a way of dominating women. In fact, these men often look for women who are passive, who appear naive and innocent, because such women are easier to control.
Those women who continue to believe that playing sweet, inno- cent, and naive will guarantee they will be financially provided for by men are also in for a rude awakening. This was the case with my client Maureen, who was raised by a father who instilled in her the belief that women are incapable of taking care of them- selves. She grew up hearing her father tease her mother about how inadequate she was, saying that he hoped nothing ever happened to him because he didn’t think she could manage without him doing everything for her. Maureen’s mother would sweetly laugh
46 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME
and agree with him, seemingly happy with her role as a ditsy wife and mother.
Maureen grew up following in her mother’s footsteps. She was attracted to men like her father—take-charge kind of guys who only expected her to look pretty and act sweet. At eighteen she married her Prince Charming, a man who was seven years older than her and already established in his career as a lawyer. Maureen relished her role of homemaker and wife, catering to her husband’s every want and need. She knew nothing about their finances, leaving all that “complicated” stuff to her husband, whom she trusted implicitly to look out for her best interests. But Maureen was to pay heavily for her naïveté. After five years of marriage, her husband left her for another woman. Because of his connections in the community with other lawyers, Maureen was unable to find an attorney in town who would represent her in the divorce case. The out-of-town lawyer whom she finally found to take her case told her that she was going to have a huge battle on her hands. Her husband had successfully hidden many of their assets and he was accusing her of being unfaithful to him.
This is what Maureen shared with me during our first session: “I couldn’t believe how naive I had been. I simply trusted that he would think of my best interests. That he would always provide for me and protect me from any harm. But he was the danger I should have been aware of. I found out that he was having numerous affairs the entire time we were together. It’s a miracle I didn’t contract an STD or AIDS!”
False Belief #6: I Don’t Have the Right to Stand Up for Myself or Act on My Own Behalf
Women have good reasons for not standing up for themselves. We have been conditioned to be passive, especially when it comes to relating to men. As mentioned earlier, until recently, many girls and women were completely dominated by their fathers and husbands. It was unheard of for a woman to stand up to a man, no matter how abusive he might be. It simply was not safe to fight back. For many women today, this is unfortunately still true.
We also need to remember that women have had to fight for the rights they now have—these rights were not given to us freely. It
T HE T EN F ALSE B ELIEFS T HAT S ET W OMEN U P 47
wasn’t all that long ago that women couldn’t vote. Such suffragists as Susan B. Anthony met in the 1840s to organize the American women’s movement for the primary purpose of securing the right to vote. The false belief that women do not have a right to speak for or decide for themselves is a powerful remnant of our history as females.
For some women, this false belief also comes from their personal experiences of being dominated and/or abused. Although much has changed regarding the reporting of child abuse, countless girls are still dominated and abused in their homes. Standing up to an abu- sive parent is almost impossible for a child—and not usually a smart thing to do. And many girls learn by example, such as from a mother who is being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused by her part- ner, that standing up to the abuser only gets a woman into
Those women who continue to believe that playing sweet, inno- cent, and naive will guarantee they will be financially provided for by men are also in for a rude awakening. This was the case with my client Maureen, who was raised by a father who instilled in her the belief that women are incapable of taking care of them- selves. She grew up hearing her father tease her mother about how inadequate she was, saying that he hoped nothing ever happened to him because he didn’t think she could manage without him doing everything for her. Maureen’s mother would sweetly laugh
46 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME
and agree with him, seemingly happy with her role as a ditsy wife and mother.
Maureen grew up following in her mother’s footsteps. She was attracted to men like her father—take-charge kind of guys who only expected her to look pretty and act sweet. At eighteen she married her Prince Charming, a man who was seven years older than her and already established in his career as a lawyer. Maureen relished her role of homemaker and wife, catering to her husband’s every want and need. She knew nothing about their finances, leaving all that “complicated” stuff to her husband, whom she trusted implicitly to look out for her best interests. But Maureen was to pay heavily for her naïveté. After five years of marriage, her husband left her for another woman. Because of his connections in the community with other lawyers, Maureen was unable to find an attorney in town who would represent her in the divorce case. The out-of-town lawyer whom she finally found to take her case told her that she was going to have a huge battle on her hands. Her husband had successfully hidden many of their assets and he was accusing her of being unfaithful to him.
This is what Maureen shared with me during our first session: “I couldn’t believe how naive I had been. I simply trusted that he would think of my best interests. That he would always provide for me and protect me from any harm. But he was the danger I should have been aware of. I found out that he was having numerous affairs the entire time we were together. It’s a miracle I didn’t contract an STD or AIDS!”
False Belief #6: I Don’t Have the Right to Stand Up for Myself or Act on My Own Behalf
Women have good reasons for not standing up for themselves. We have been conditioned to be passive, especially when it comes to relating to men. As mentioned earlier, until recently, many girls and women were completely dominated by their fathers and husbands. It was unheard of for a woman to stand up to a man, no matter how abusive he might be. It simply was not safe to fight back. For many women today, this is unfortunately still true.
We also need to remember that women have had to fight for the rights they now have—these rights were not given to us freely. It
T HE T EN F ALSE B ELIEFS T HAT S ET W OMEN U P 47
wasn’t all that long ago that women couldn’t vote. Such suffragists as Susan B. Anthony met in the 1840s to organize the American women’s movement for the primary purpose of securing the right to vote. The false belief that women do not have a right to speak for or decide for themselves is a powerful remnant of our history as females.
For some women, this false belief also comes from their personal experiences of being dominated and/or abused. Although much has changed regarding the reporting of child abuse, countless girls are still dominated and abused in their homes. Standing up to an abu- sive parent is almost impossible for a child—and not usually a smart thing to do. And many girls learn by example, such as from a mother who is being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused by her part- ner, that standing up to the abuser only gets a woman into
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