Matthew and Maria had blighted my moment of happiness and triumph by casting over it the shadow of separation for ever.
It was just after that that my chance came.
Maria called me upstairs to the boudoir, where she was dressing to go to the parade, to give me last minute warnings about taking care of Lottie. And there was the key, by itself on the dressing table, and just for a moment I had the room to myself while Maria went into the bedroom, still calling instructions. In a trice I had whisked out the wax box, opened it, pressed the key firmly into it twice â once for each side - and had it back in its place before she returned.
The cab was waiting for me. Lottie and I got in, leaving her parents to make their way to their viewing point. We drove to the starting place of the parade and found my groom and my horse at the appointed place among all that milling flag-waving crowd. Little Lottie clung to my hand and hopped up and down with excitement, and when she was lifted up before me on the horse, she suddenly turned and threw her arms round my neck.
âOh, Aunt Jessie, I love you! I love you so much!â she whispered through all the hubbub.
My brain made a phonograph record of those words and I play them when I need them. Never once did Frederick say them to me.
What a ride we had! High up above the crowd with our fine mount clopping along in stately splendour, all the festivities going on around us as far as the eye could see, and carriages rolling before and behind (we didnât actually lead the parade of course, but Lottie didnât care).
Around Parliament Square, up Whitehall, through Trafalgar Square where the crowds were absolutely going wild with joy and cheered us hysterically as we passed, down the Mall past Buckingham Palace, thick with more cheering, flag-waving crowds. My heart was high, I felt so proud - proud of my country and of my little Lottie, riding before me so bravely. For the last time in my life, I was even proud of myself.
I didnât see Maria and Matthew in the crowd, but Lottie spotted them near the Palace, and her little dignity broke and she very nearly did fall off the horse, bouncing and waving⦠But I held her tightly and all was well. We rode on through the throng to Victoria Station where the parade broke up and my groom was waiting to take our good mount back to his stables.
And our Great Day was over.
I took Lottie home in another cab. What an expense, two in one day! Well, it was only once⦠She wasexhausted, but she couldnât stop chattering and telling me how she had loved it, every moment, and all I said was, âYou wonât forget it, Lottie, will you? Never never never? Promise me.â And she promised. And when we reached her familiar door, she hugged and kissed me again and rushed out of the cab, and then stopped and came back. âArenât you coming to help me tell them, Aunt?â âNo, darling. Iâm tired. You tell them for me. Goodbye.â
I said it cheerfully because I am an actress. But as I waved at her smiling figure on the doorstep, I felt my heart break.
I made my key that night, as pretty and dainty as the original, and something stronger than I kept my tears at bay so I could finish it off with my nail file, smoothing the rough bits.
And as I fashioned it, I fed into it some of my Gift.
I know now that I did this, though I hardly knew it then â I only knew I was bending all my strength on making the key perfect, and I felt something go out of me, and then the key grew warm again in my hands as if freshly poured, and I knew it had power in it to do more than open boxes. But I didnât know what. I only knew my heart had broken and that I would have given anything to have it be yesterday and not today.
I looked at it. It shone like silver and behind it I seemed to see the aquamarine drops, frozen like my tears that I hadnot shed yet. I saw in it a thing of power into which I had poured more than
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