Pauline commented, appearing curious as to why Sylvia had taken this line.
'I think you're using it as an excuse,' Sylvia explained. 'You'd almost rather persuade yourself Josh is having an affair than face up to the problems that are clearly still hanging around from the time your father left. Something happened to you back then, the trauma was huge, it must have been to cause so much damage that your mind just can't heal it. Sure, it goes into retreat for a while, and lets you lead a normal, untroubled existence, but it keeps coming back, and it will continue to if you don't get it out there and address it.'
Julia was starting to feel overly hot.
'He walked out when you were about Shannon's age,' Sylvia went on a little more gently, 'so there could be a resonance there that, on some level, is bringing it all back, and it's not going away again this time, is it?'
'You know, I think we're all jumping to conclusions about this being connected to my father,'Julia began.
Ignoring her, Sylvia said, 'Have you spoken to your sister about the call?'
Julia shook her head. 'I was always his favourite,
so if he's called me and not her ... I just don't want to go there.'
'How old was she when he left?' 'Eighteen.'
'So does she know why he went?' 'If she does, she's never confided in me, and God knows I tried hard enough to get it out of her at the time. It never even gets mentioned now - well, it wouldn't when we almost never see her.'
'Did your mother ever blame her the way she did you?' Pauline asked.
'Once I heard her saying Pam should be thankful he'd gone after everything that had happened, but I don't know if you could call that blame.'
'So really, it was only you who got saddled with that?' Sylvia said. Julia nodded and drank more wine. 'Did she ever say what you'd done to drive him away?'
Julia felt herself stiffen as the old and terrible misery threatened to engulf her. Then with a bitter laugh, she said, 'Would you believe she told me it was disgusting for a father to love his own daughter the way he loved me. She called him a pervert and accused me of leading him on.' Even as she said the words she could feel her insides heaving with the shame she'd felt back then, and still did, even though she knew very well she'd never done anything wrong. 'It's not true,' she added quickly. 'He never laid a finger on me that way, but the accusation stuck. I've never been able to forget it, or to forgive her.'
'Have you ever brought it up again? Asked her to explain?'
'Of course, but if you knew my mother you'd know what a waste of time that is. She has a very selective memory and has chosen to forget she ever said such a thing. And she never, but never discusses anything she doesn't want to.'
'Is she still living in Gloucestershire?'
'Of course. She'll never leave that place. Pam's back there now, with her husband and daughter, living in the same village, less than a minute's walk away. She sees my mother every day, and as far as my mother's capable of being close to anyone, she seems to have managed it with Pam. Neither of them ever call me, in fact Josh is the one who keeps the contact going, mainly for the kids, but I'm not at all sure she appreciates it.'
'The only female on the planet who hasn't fallen prey to the legendary Josh Thayne charm?' Sylvia quipped.
'Actually, I think she quite likes him. It's me she can't stand.'
'What about the kids?'
'She can take them or leave them, whereas Rachel, Pam's daughter, is the apple of her eye, which is quite something for a woman who can't bear anything less than perfection. And Down's would definitely qualify as an imperfection in my mother's book.'
Getting up to answer the phone, Sylvia said, 'I think you should confront her over your father once and for all. Force her to tell you the truth of what really happened back then.'
'I agree,' Pauline said.
Julia's eyes drifted, as the mere thought of such a showdown began stirring the horrible, suffocating
feeling she
'I think you're using it as an excuse,' Sylvia explained. 'You'd almost rather persuade yourself Josh is having an affair than face up to the problems that are clearly still hanging around from the time your father left. Something happened to you back then, the trauma was huge, it must have been to cause so much damage that your mind just can't heal it. Sure, it goes into retreat for a while, and lets you lead a normal, untroubled existence, but it keeps coming back, and it will continue to if you don't get it out there and address it.'
Julia was starting to feel overly hot.
'He walked out when you were about Shannon's age,' Sylvia went on a little more gently, 'so there could be a resonance there that, on some level, is bringing it all back, and it's not going away again this time, is it?'
'You know, I think we're all jumping to conclusions about this being connected to my father,'Julia began.
Ignoring her, Sylvia said, 'Have you spoken to your sister about the call?'
Julia shook her head. 'I was always his favourite,
so if he's called me and not her ... I just don't want to go there.'
'How old was she when he left?' 'Eighteen.'
'So does she know why he went?' 'If she does, she's never confided in me, and God knows I tried hard enough to get it out of her at the time. It never even gets mentioned now - well, it wouldn't when we almost never see her.'
'Did your mother ever blame her the way she did you?' Pauline asked.
'Once I heard her saying Pam should be thankful he'd gone after everything that had happened, but I don't know if you could call that blame.'
'So really, it was only you who got saddled with that?' Sylvia said. Julia nodded and drank more wine. 'Did she ever say what you'd done to drive him away?'
Julia felt herself stiffen as the old and terrible misery threatened to engulf her. Then with a bitter laugh, she said, 'Would you believe she told me it was disgusting for a father to love his own daughter the way he loved me. She called him a pervert and accused me of leading him on.' Even as she said the words she could feel her insides heaving with the shame she'd felt back then, and still did, even though she knew very well she'd never done anything wrong. 'It's not true,' she added quickly. 'He never laid a finger on me that way, but the accusation stuck. I've never been able to forget it, or to forgive her.'
'Have you ever brought it up again? Asked her to explain?'
'Of course, but if you knew my mother you'd know what a waste of time that is. She has a very selective memory and has chosen to forget she ever said such a thing. And she never, but never discusses anything she doesn't want to.'
'Is she still living in Gloucestershire?'
'Of course. She'll never leave that place. Pam's back there now, with her husband and daughter, living in the same village, less than a minute's walk away. She sees my mother every day, and as far as my mother's capable of being close to anyone, she seems to have managed it with Pam. Neither of them ever call me, in fact Josh is the one who keeps the contact going, mainly for the kids, but I'm not at all sure she appreciates it.'
'The only female on the planet who hasn't fallen prey to the legendary Josh Thayne charm?' Sylvia quipped.
'Actually, I think she quite likes him. It's me she can't stand.'
'What about the kids?'
'She can take them or leave them, whereas Rachel, Pam's daughter, is the apple of her eye, which is quite something for a woman who can't bear anything less than perfection. And Down's would definitely qualify as an imperfection in my mother's book.'
Getting up to answer the phone, Sylvia said, 'I think you should confront her over your father once and for all. Force her to tell you the truth of what really happened back then.'
'I agree,' Pauline said.
Julia's eyes drifted, as the mere thought of such a showdown began stirring the horrible, suffocating
feeling she
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