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night. She said she’d probably go straight to bed.’
    ‘Fine. Then let’s go and face the ugly people.’
    ‘I do wish you wouldn’t call your guests that,’ Ed chastised.
    ‘I do wish they didn’t need to be called that,’ she snapped back.
     

 
    8
     
    Rules And Conditions Of The Love Resort
    Couples must be over twenty-one.
    You must have been in a relationship, together, for over three months.
    A couple must be two people of the opposite sex.
    ‘Relations’ must be conducted in private.
    Anyone found breaking these rules will be asked to leave The Love Resort.
    The Love Resort Booking Form
    *
    ‘David?’
    ‘Yes, what time is it?’
    ‘Early. Are you asleep?’
    ‘No, Todd, I was asleep. I got hammered with some of your friends after you left last night.’
    ‘At least someone had a good time,’ Todd said sulkily.
    ‘I have no idea if I had a good time. I can’t quite remember.’
    ‘Shit, hope you didn’t do anything stupid.’
    ‘What, like getting married? Anyway, how was the wedding night?’
    ‘I haven’t slept a wink. She keeps touching me.’
    ‘Where?’
    ‘It doesn’t matter where. She’s a groper. Anyway, I moved to the sofa as soon as she fell asleep, and managed to get a bit of sleep, but she scares me.’
    ‘I don’t blame you for that. She scares me too.’
    ‘Can’t you say anything to help?’
    ‘Not really. Not the way my head and stomach feel right now. Anyway, aren’t you supposed to be on a plane?’
    ‘I am on a plane. She’s in the bathroom redoing her make-up. When am I coming back?’
    ‘You know that, it’s two weeks.’
    ‘I might not still be alive by then.’
    ‘Try to be. Bye.’
    Katie took her seat opposite Todd.
    ‘How are you?’ she asked, her voice full of concern.
    ‘Tired. I just wish we’d get there.’
    ‘It’s not long now,’ Katie reassured him as she picked up the booklet that they’d been given. Todd, having already read it, watched her flick through. It contained information about The Love Resort, along with details of their accommodation. Attached was a schedule.
    ‘We must be the only people who need a typed schedule for our honeymoon,’ she said sadly.
    Todd nodded. Like with his scripts, he’d committed it to memory. All their publicity commitments had been planned for the first week, leaving the second week totally clear. Two weeks seemed like an awfully long time; Todd wished that the schedule was fuller. He also wished for once that Katie had insisted on bringing her ever-expanding entourage with them. He had a feeling that they would have too much time alone. Far too much time.
    ‘Have you read all this?’ she asked.
    Todd held up a selection of paper sculptures: ducks, a plane and a flower. She giggled and he laughed.
    ‘Thank God for origami,’ he said.
    ‘It’s my favourite herb,’ she replied.
    *
    ‘Welcome to The Love Resort.’ Anne-Marie flung her arms around Katie and then Todd, much to their surprise. ‘I am the owner, Anne-Marie Langdale, and I am here to personally welcome you to your honeymoon.’
    ‘Why, thank you,’ Katie said sweetly.
    ‘And this is my husband, Edward,’ Anne-Marie elaborated, pulling him forward.
    ‘It’s nice to meet you,’ Todd added. ‘I love your novels.’ Everyone looked surprised, apart from Anne-Marie. Todd went red; Ed was looking at him in a funny way.
    ‘And you. Welcome, and congratulations on your wedding,’ Ed said, as per Anne-Marie’s instructions.
    Ed organised everyone into the limousine, and poured champagne to toast their arrival. He had to admit to feeling excited. Katie Ray was a gorgeous film star; her husband, Todd, one of the best male actors of the time, and Ed, ordinary Ed, was sitting in the back of a twelve-seat stretch limo, drinking champagne with them. He never thought that he’d be there.
    Anne-Marie gushed for the entire journey, giving Ed a chance to study the newlyweds. They were so gorgeous together and Katie looked radiant. He