Read Online The List by Joanna Bolouri - Free Book Online

I’d rather have stayed in work.
    9.40 p.m . My mouth is now quite sore so I’ve taken to bed in a dramatic fashion and had enough co-codamol to knock out a horse.
    10.30 p.m . I have checked the front door is locked three times now. I have either developed OCD or those painkillers are way too strong and have caused short-term memory loss.
    11.00 p.m . I’m still wide awake but mentally exhausted. It’s been a busy month. I’ve successfully acquired a new friend with benefits and engaged in some outrageously filthy talk with complete strangers. Alex still hasn’t spontaneouslycombusted, which is perhaps the only downside, but on the upside, I’m now a lot more comfortable being obscene and Oliver loves the fact that this polite, professional girl with lovely manners can open her mouth and make sailors run screaming from a pub. I can happily tell Oliver exactly what I intend to do to him, even with something in my mouth. I have skills now. The talking-dirty challenge was excruciating at times, but I’m pretty happy with the outcome, and I’d say the list has got off to a good start.

FEBRUARY
    Tuesday February 1st
    Oliver’s been coming over to my house more and more frequently and tonight he turned up without warning after football practice, covered in sweat. Without saying a word he went into my kitchen, drank a pint of water in one go, then turned on the shower and dragged me in.
    Sex in a shower cubicle is great – confined space and nothing but wall to lean against. Sex in a shower-over-bathtub setup, however, is something completely different. ‘I’ll buy you another shower curtain tomorrow, Phoebe. That one was mouldy anyway.’
    It was also the first time he’d seen me up close without my make-up on or hair done and I could see him staring at me for a second while I was drying off. If that doesn’t put him off me I’ll be surprised. My mum once said something that’s stayed with me forever: ‘I remember your dad telling me that the first time he saw me without make-up, he thought he’d woken up next to a man.’
    Christ, I bear more than a passing resemblance to my mother. I wonder if they offer airbrushing on the NHS?
    Wednesday February 2nd
    In the morning meeting Frank announced that Marion had given birth to a baby boy called Harry. who weighed 9 pounds 9 ounces, and both were doing well.
    â€˜I don’t think she’ll come back,’ remarked Kelly. ‘She’s a nice woman but she hated it here and she never did any real work.’
    â€˜Thanks for your input, Kelly.’ Frank scowled. ‘Now can we please make sure Lucy gets your call sheets by the end of the day? She has enough to do without chasing you lot for paperwork.’
    â€˜I’d hardly call Lucy overworked—’ began Kelly, before Frank told her to ‘zip it’ and we were all sent back to our desks.
    â€˜Don’t you ever get tired of running people down, Kelly?’ I asked as she sat down at her desk. ‘Marion’s just given birth and you’re bitching about her. It’s not cool.’
    â€˜I’m just speaking the truth,’ she said with a shrug. ‘If anyone has a problem with that – tough. I’m here to do my job, not make friends.’
    â€˜Then be quiet and do your job, Kelly!’ Frank shouted across from his office. ‘You’re giving me a headache.’
    Kelly might be a bitch, but she’s right about Marion. There’s no way she’d choose to come back to this lunatic asylum. With some free time on my hands tonight, I started to think about the next challenge, which doesn’t require Oliver’s help, or anyone else’s for that matter: masturbation.
    The subject of masturbation is one I’ve always enthusedabout and I’ve never been one of those ‘Who? Me? Never. I don’t need to. Shut up …’ women who you know are either lying or