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Authors: Elizabeth Berg
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But now Dorothy tells Hilly, “You don’t have to have kids, of course. You can enjoy other people’s children. Or live a life that doesn’t have much to do with children at all—what’s important is that you’re honest with yourself.”
Well! She said that and immediately she wanted to lock herself in the bathroom and sit on the floor and think what it meant. What did that mean , to make your own decisions, independent of all the grabby influences in the world? How did it feel to say, “No, I don’t think that’s for me,” and then simply not do what it seemed like everyone else was doing? She couldn’t imagine. Yet here is her daughter clearly attempting to be in charge of her own life, to be aware that it is created by the choices she makes, and Dorothy wants to weep in gratitude. It is too late for Dorothy to live a conscious life. She never escaped her mother’s iron hand, she had not even tried being a hippie except for one time when she didn’t wear makeup or shave her legs. And even then, she returned quickly enough to her learned standards of hygiene. You did your hair and you shaved your legs and you put your face on, no matter what. But Hilly was out from under something huge. Hilly was able to look up and see the sky. And Dorothy had somehow been a part of making that happen.
“I don’t know about kids,” Hilly says. “But I will get married, I guess. I mean, I kind of have to.”
“You mean because of the money?” Dorothy says. “Because we’ll lose the deposits? Don’t get married for that reason! Who cares about the money?” Especially when it’s your father’s , she thinks. But she feels certain Hilly’s father would offer the same advice.
“No,” Hilly says. “It’s not because of the money we’d lose.” She turns to face her mother. “It’s just that… I don’t think I’ll find anyone better than Mark. If I’m going to get married, I guess he’s the one. But all of a sudden, it feels so… I don’t know. Arbitrary. Dangerous . I don’t see how anyone can ever feel completely convinced that marrying someone is the right thing to do, I don’t see how anyone can not be consumed by doubt. Did you feel absolutely sure about marrying Pops?”
Dorothy had felt absolutely sure about being pregnant, that’s what she had felt. But Hilly doesn’t know that. So she says, “Course I wasn’t sure! I was full of doubt, too. I think almost everyone is. You have to be! Who can possibly subscribe to the notion that there’s only one person in the world for you? No. But you find someone you care for, that you think you might be able to build a life with, and then you just go for it!”
“And then you get divorced,” Hilly says bitterly.
Dorothy speaks carefully now. “No, now, Hilly, you know that’s not true. Some people have very happy marriages. I think the biggest problem is people’s expectations are so high. And so wrong! People think marriage is going to be so romantic and fulfilling. They think the other person is going to complete them. But that’s not what happens. In a good marriage, you complete yourself while sharing a bathroom. You go through life with company, rather than alone, and humans seem to need company. And… You remember in Carousel , when the doctor tells the high school graduating class not to worry about others liking them, that they should just try to like others?”
“I love Carousel ,” Hilly says, sighing. “I still love it. Everybody makes fun of me, but I still love it. We used to watch it and eat caramel corn and dill pickles.”
“I know,” Dorothy says. “But do you remember that part?”
“Of course.”
“Well, that’s it. That’s what you need to do in your marriage. You need to give what you want . And don’t expect so much. That only sets you up for disappointment. If you expect anything, expect that marriage will be hard, that it will be work. And expect that the pleasures will be erratic and often
But now Dorothy tells Hilly, “You don’t have to have kids, of course. You can enjoy other people’s children. Or live a life that doesn’t have much to do with children at all—what’s important is that you’re honest with yourself.”
Well! She said that and immediately she wanted to lock herself in the bathroom and sit on the floor and think what it meant. What did that mean , to make your own decisions, independent of all the grabby influences in the world? How did it feel to say, “No, I don’t think that’s for me,” and then simply not do what it seemed like everyone else was doing? She couldn’t imagine. Yet here is her daughter clearly attempting to be in charge of her own life, to be aware that it is created by the choices she makes, and Dorothy wants to weep in gratitude. It is too late for Dorothy to live a conscious life. She never escaped her mother’s iron hand, she had not even tried being a hippie except for one time when she didn’t wear makeup or shave her legs. And even then, she returned quickly enough to her learned standards of hygiene. You did your hair and you shaved your legs and you put your face on, no matter what. But Hilly was out from under something huge. Hilly was able to look up and see the sky. And Dorothy had somehow been a part of making that happen.
“I don’t know about kids,” Hilly says. “But I will get married, I guess. I mean, I kind of have to.”
“You mean because of the money?” Dorothy says. “Because we’ll lose the deposits? Don’t get married for that reason! Who cares about the money?” Especially when it’s your father’s , she thinks. But she feels certain Hilly’s father would offer the same advice.
“No,” Hilly says. “It’s not because of the money we’d lose.” She turns to face her mother. “It’s just that… I don’t think I’ll find anyone better than Mark. If I’m going to get married, I guess he’s the one. But all of a sudden, it feels so… I don’t know. Arbitrary. Dangerous . I don’t see how anyone can ever feel completely convinced that marrying someone is the right thing to do, I don’t see how anyone can not be consumed by doubt. Did you feel absolutely sure about marrying Pops?”
Dorothy had felt absolutely sure about being pregnant, that’s what she had felt. But Hilly doesn’t know that. So she says, “Course I wasn’t sure! I was full of doubt, too. I think almost everyone is. You have to be! Who can possibly subscribe to the notion that there’s only one person in the world for you? No. But you find someone you care for, that you think you might be able to build a life with, and then you just go for it!”
“And then you get divorced,” Hilly says bitterly.
Dorothy speaks carefully now. “No, now, Hilly, you know that’s not true. Some people have very happy marriages. I think the biggest problem is people’s expectations are so high. And so wrong! People think marriage is going to be so romantic and fulfilling. They think the other person is going to complete them. But that’s not what happens. In a good marriage, you complete yourself while sharing a bathroom. You go through life with company, rather than alone, and humans seem to need company. And… You remember in Carousel , when the doctor tells the high school graduating class not to worry about others liking them, that they should just try to like others?”
“I love Carousel ,” Hilly says, sighing. “I still love it. Everybody makes fun of me, but I still love it. We used to watch it and eat caramel corn and dill pickles.”
“I know,” Dorothy says. “But do you remember that part?”
“Of course.”
“Well, that’s it. That’s what you need to do in your marriage. You need to give what you want . And don’t expect so much. That only sets you up for disappointment. If you expect anything, expect that marriage will be hard, that it will be work. And expect that the pleasures will be erratic and often
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