and smell under similar circumstances,’ he snapped in what he hoped was a defiant manner.
An old lady stood by watching the commotion. She was standing in front of three very thin farmer types. Looking down her nose, she tutted with an “I’m absolutely disgusted with you” air and pointed at a well-lit, blazing bonfire. Pulling an even more disapproving face she stood, constantly clasping and then releasing her hands, shouting at the top of her voice and looking upwards, as if to God, protesting violently about something. Darren couldn’t understand a single word, but he did understand the authority with which she pointed a long, sharpened stick in his direction. Her head began to shake even more violently, and then she protested some more.
‘Who’s that old crow - and what the hell is she saying?’ Darren asked Steve, who had to brave the smell and move closer to catch his words.
‘That old crow,’ Steve happily informed him, ‘is the new woman in your life. She’s the head of the family, and the absolute boss in these parts, and she’s cursing you. She says that you not only look like a filthy animal, but you smell worse than any pig or cow she has ever seen in the whole of her seventy two years on Earth.’ Steve carried on grinning as he translated further. ‘Another thing, you have to strip off all of your clothes and throw them on her bonfire. Now, she says, as that’s the only thing they’re fit for.’
‘Charmed, I’m sure.’ Darren sulked and asked, ‘Does the old hag say anything else?’
‘As a matter of fact, yes, she does. She says the sea is that way.’ He pointed for effect.
‘Why the fuck would I be needing to know where the bleedin’ sea is?’
‘Because that’s where you have to go and bathe, and because she won’t let you anywhere near her house smelling like that,’ Steve chuckled.
Hanging his head low Darren slowly stripped off his stinking rags. He handed Steve The Killer for safe keeping and, when he was completely naked, the old girl started raving again, pointing at the bonfire and then towards the sea. Even he didn’t need that translating so he did as she ordered and, after tossing his stuff onto the fire, wandered off with what he hoped was a modicum of dignity, naked as a jaybird - in search of the sea.
Eventually, wandering along the small pathway, he arrived at a low cliff face. He climbed down and found himself standing in a small isolated bay with a rocky beach. Walking towards the water he gingerly waded in. It was bitterly cold and not at all what he had expected of sunny Mediterranean Spain, but he had to admit that it felt absolutely wonderful after his incarceration. He had a good scrub and, as he grew accustomed to the temperature, took a long swim to ease out the pains from his cramped body. Finally he moved to the water’s edge where he dithered until he was dry.
Darren hurried back along the trail, his arms wrapped around himself in an effort to keep warm. Shivering as he went, he couldn’t wait to get back to put on some nice warm clothes. Unfortunately for him, that wasn’t going to happen immediately. He stood once more in front of the old girl, allowing her to inspect and approve of him - which she didn’t. As she approached him, she sniffed the air, spat, and shook her head once more pointing across the yard.
‘What the bloody hell is she pointing at now?’ he wondered aloud. Poking him along with her stick she herded Darren into a small fenced area. Around twenty yards farther and he stopped dead in his tracks, his jaw falling open when he saw what faced him. ‘Oh no, Jesus woman, no, no, no, you can’t be serious. That’s a - a fucking sheep dip!’
She pointed again then poked him with the sharpened stick and followed up with a well-aimed slap. He jumped as he felt the sting across his buttocks, but tried to remain defiant.
‘Shite, no way am I getting in that. No fucking chance you old bitch,’ he protested, but she kept
An old lady stood by watching the commotion. She was standing in front of three very thin farmer types. Looking down her nose, she tutted with an “I’m absolutely disgusted with you” air and pointed at a well-lit, blazing bonfire. Pulling an even more disapproving face she stood, constantly clasping and then releasing her hands, shouting at the top of her voice and looking upwards, as if to God, protesting violently about something. Darren couldn’t understand a single word, but he did understand the authority with which she pointed a long, sharpened stick in his direction. Her head began to shake even more violently, and then she protested some more.
‘Who’s that old crow - and what the hell is she saying?’ Darren asked Steve, who had to brave the smell and move closer to catch his words.
‘That old crow,’ Steve happily informed him, ‘is the new woman in your life. She’s the head of the family, and the absolute boss in these parts, and she’s cursing you. She says that you not only look like a filthy animal, but you smell worse than any pig or cow she has ever seen in the whole of her seventy two years on Earth.’ Steve carried on grinning as he translated further. ‘Another thing, you have to strip off all of your clothes and throw them on her bonfire. Now, she says, as that’s the only thing they’re fit for.’
‘Charmed, I’m sure.’ Darren sulked and asked, ‘Does the old hag say anything else?’
‘As a matter of fact, yes, she does. She says the sea is that way.’ He pointed for effect.
‘Why the fuck would I be needing to know where the bleedin’ sea is?’
‘Because that’s where you have to go and bathe, and because she won’t let you anywhere near her house smelling like that,’ Steve chuckled.
Hanging his head low Darren slowly stripped off his stinking rags. He handed Steve The Killer for safe keeping and, when he was completely naked, the old girl started raving again, pointing at the bonfire and then towards the sea. Even he didn’t need that translating so he did as she ordered and, after tossing his stuff onto the fire, wandered off with what he hoped was a modicum of dignity, naked as a jaybird - in search of the sea.
Eventually, wandering along the small pathway, he arrived at a low cliff face. He climbed down and found himself standing in a small isolated bay with a rocky beach. Walking towards the water he gingerly waded in. It was bitterly cold and not at all what he had expected of sunny Mediterranean Spain, but he had to admit that it felt absolutely wonderful after his incarceration. He had a good scrub and, as he grew accustomed to the temperature, took a long swim to ease out the pains from his cramped body. Finally he moved to the water’s edge where he dithered until he was dry.
Darren hurried back along the trail, his arms wrapped around himself in an effort to keep warm. Shivering as he went, he couldn’t wait to get back to put on some nice warm clothes. Unfortunately for him, that wasn’t going to happen immediately. He stood once more in front of the old girl, allowing her to inspect and approve of him - which she didn’t. As she approached him, she sniffed the air, spat, and shook her head once more pointing across the yard.
‘What the bloody hell is she pointing at now?’ he wondered aloud. Poking him along with her stick she herded Darren into a small fenced area. Around twenty yards farther and he stopped dead in his tracks, his jaw falling open when he saw what faced him. ‘Oh no, Jesus woman, no, no, no, you can’t be serious. That’s a - a fucking sheep dip!’
She pointed again then poked him with the sharpened stick and followed up with a well-aimed slap. He jumped as he felt the sting across his buttocks, but tried to remain defiant.
‘Shite, no way am I getting in that. No fucking chance you old bitch,’ he protested, but she kept
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