outside my door. She must think I'm a monster. I can't play any more of my recordings while the children are here, it's far too risky. And I thought they'd all been asleep for ages. What could the poor girl have thought when she heard those screams of agony coming from my room? I hope she'll soon feel better and forget what she heard.
She's huddled up on the bed with her bare feet protruding from under the blanket. She's still frightened. Of me? Of this gloomy room? Of the voice that has long since died away? She looks around timidly, very much a child once more. As for the adult manner she adopts toward the younger ones in imitation of her mother and the nursemaid, it seems to belong to another person altogether, not to the tongue-tied little girl who's sitting here in front of me.
I must quickly reinvolve her in our interplay of this afternoon, keep up a flow of words so as to steer her thoughts in another direction. The music, too, is gradually calming her down. So is the sight of the black disc on the turntable, gleaming in the semi-darkness as it rotates with soothing regularity.
*
Coco rests his head on my lap. Herr Karnau asks me if I like Coco. 'Yes,' I tell him, 'but what breed is he?'
'I don't know, I've never given it any thought. I suspect it would be very hard to identify.'
'You mean he isn't pure-blooded?'
Herr Karnau laughs. 'I'm afraid not.'
'So he's a bastard?'
'Let's call him a mongrel, shall we? It sounds nicer.'
Herr Karnau plays the record for me again. 'I like sitting in a darkened room at night,' he says, 'listening to records. A lot of people find the black-out depressing on really dark nights, but I think it's lovely when the sky above the city looks dark blue, not pale the way it does in normal times — you can see the stars so much more clearly. Were you scared in the dark just now?'
'Yes, a bit, but I'm all right now. It was only out there in the passage . ..'
'I know what you mean. As a child I was also scared of the dark, especially in enclosed spaces, but it didn't really bother me outdoors. I'm just the same today, come to think of it: I can only stand being inside the apartment with the lights off for a certain length of time, but I enjoy walking at night for hours on end — as long as I don't meet any shady characters.'
The desk lamp is shining on Herr Karnau's hair. He's letting me stay up much later than the others. They must have been asleep for ages, but the two of us are still talking together, all by ourselves. What are shady characters, though? Not just people with shadows, because we've all got those. People who only move around in the shadows? People made of shadows, not flesh and blood? Herr Karnau is speaking very softly, his voice gets quieter and quieter. Are shady characters spirits that roam around at night? Or are they like the Kohlenklau, that creature on the posters Papa designed to stop people wasting fuel in war-time? Not a human being, but not an animal either, slinking around in the dark with claws instead of hands and a sack of stolen coal on its back. I'm not frightened any longer, not of the Kohlenklau's lopsided face peering out from under its cap, and not of the fact that I can't hear Herr Karnau any more and it's gone all dark.
'Are you still awake, Helga?'
I don't say anything. Herr Karnau picks me up and carries me, blanket and all, into the room next door. Very gently, he puts me down on the sofa bed beside Hedda, who has warmed the mattress while I've been away. He tucks me in. Now he's gone.
*
What's the matter with the dog? Why is Coco lying on my arm at this hour? Is he trying to wake me? Another weight lands on my legs. Coco isn't as heavy as that, nothing like. I open my eyes a fraction: daylight already. I make out a child's smiling face. And another.
'His eyes are open!'
A chorus of giggles, a fivefold good morning. The children have crept in and are sitting on my bed. Already wide awake, they shake their little heads like
She's huddled up on the bed with her bare feet protruding from under the blanket. She's still frightened. Of me? Of this gloomy room? Of the voice that has long since died away? She looks around timidly, very much a child once more. As for the adult manner she adopts toward the younger ones in imitation of her mother and the nursemaid, it seems to belong to another person altogether, not to the tongue-tied little girl who's sitting here in front of me.
I must quickly reinvolve her in our interplay of this afternoon, keep up a flow of words so as to steer her thoughts in another direction. The music, too, is gradually calming her down. So is the sight of the black disc on the turntable, gleaming in the semi-darkness as it rotates with soothing regularity.
*
Coco rests his head on my lap. Herr Karnau asks me if I like Coco. 'Yes,' I tell him, 'but what breed is he?'
'I don't know, I've never given it any thought. I suspect it would be very hard to identify.'
'You mean he isn't pure-blooded?'
Herr Karnau laughs. 'I'm afraid not.'
'So he's a bastard?'
'Let's call him a mongrel, shall we? It sounds nicer.'
Herr Karnau plays the record for me again. 'I like sitting in a darkened room at night,' he says, 'listening to records. A lot of people find the black-out depressing on really dark nights, but I think it's lovely when the sky above the city looks dark blue, not pale the way it does in normal times — you can see the stars so much more clearly. Were you scared in the dark just now?'
'Yes, a bit, but I'm all right now. It was only out there in the passage . ..'
'I know what you mean. As a child I was also scared of the dark, especially in enclosed spaces, but it didn't really bother me outdoors. I'm just the same today, come to think of it: I can only stand being inside the apartment with the lights off for a certain length of time, but I enjoy walking at night for hours on end — as long as I don't meet any shady characters.'
The desk lamp is shining on Herr Karnau's hair. He's letting me stay up much later than the others. They must have been asleep for ages, but the two of us are still talking together, all by ourselves. What are shady characters, though? Not just people with shadows, because we've all got those. People who only move around in the shadows? People made of shadows, not flesh and blood? Herr Karnau is speaking very softly, his voice gets quieter and quieter. Are shady characters spirits that roam around at night? Or are they like the Kohlenklau, that creature on the posters Papa designed to stop people wasting fuel in war-time? Not a human being, but not an animal either, slinking around in the dark with claws instead of hands and a sack of stolen coal on its back. I'm not frightened any longer, not of the Kohlenklau's lopsided face peering out from under its cap, and not of the fact that I can't hear Herr Karnau any more and it's gone all dark.
'Are you still awake, Helga?'
I don't say anything. Herr Karnau picks me up and carries me, blanket and all, into the room next door. Very gently, he puts me down on the sofa bed beside Hedda, who has warmed the mattress while I've been away. He tucks me in. Now he's gone.
*
What's the matter with the dog? Why is Coco lying on my arm at this hour? Is he trying to wake me? Another weight lands on my legs. Coco isn't as heavy as that, nothing like. I open my eyes a fraction: daylight already. I make out a child's smiling face. And another.
'His eyes are open!'
A chorus of giggles, a fivefold good morning. The children have crept in and are sitting on my bed. Already wide awake, they shake their little heads like
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