bare feet and examining the windows, imagining curtains,
pictures. My bedroom was empty except for my bed and a pair of red, scented candles
sitting on the floor. In the market I’d seen wrought iron candlesticks that would
be nice. I tugged gently at the makeshift curtain; a sheet folded over the curtain
rail. Pale pink would be a good colour in here.
The door-phone buzzed and I clicked in the delivery guy. Our
short conversation lingered in the air as I sat down and pulled the rug over my
legs. I opened up my laptop to start a DVD.
On Monday morning I left the grey light on the steps down to
the tube with music blasting in my ears. Still wrapped in a cocoon of sleep, I listened
with my eyes closed as the tube shook me along to work.
At least the meeting with Felix was first thing, so I’d get it
over with. I walked around the R&D floor to his office feeling eyes on me, but
looked about to confirm I was just being paranoid. My hands were moist. I tried
clutching them to my skirt to keep them dry.
‘Take a seat,’ Felix said. Even calm his voice sounded like a
dog barking, as if it was broken from overuse.
I sat down opposite him trying not to sink into the easy-chair.
‘So what have you learned from METX? What do you think went wrong?’
‘Obviously I made some mistakes in my handling of the crises
but I think I’m a lot more aware of our crisis procedures now, which is a good thing,
in terms of my bug. I’m actually a big advocate of a more structured test phase.
Our steps are a bit casual and haphazard. I think we really need to look at overnight
auto-testing, for example. I think we should even be making this sort of thing priority.’
‘The problem I have with you is I don’t think you take your job
seriously.’
‘What?’ I stared at him. ‘I don’t understand. I worked really
long hours on METX. And my projects have all gone well up until now.’
‘You didn’t push for what your project needed. When there was
a problem, you didn’t react with urgency. You didn’t restart the feed until someone
else suggested it.’ He counted on fingers. ‘You didn’t even move the feed until
the afternoon even though you knew it could compromise the server.’ His face was
rigid. I could tell he was genuinely angry with me.
‘I was just so focused on finding the problem.’ I blushed.
‘A senior engineer tracks down the problem and handles risk at
the same time. A senior engineer doesn’t take risks.’
‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t fully aware of all my options.’ I wondered
how long this humiliation would last. ‘Look, the things that went wrong were because
of a lack of experience. Next time I’ll know better.’
‘That’s why you’re being put on a revision programme.’
‘What? What’s that?’
‘It’s an official way for us to monitor your progress and make
sure you know everything you need to know.’
I looked about the office, blinking, trying to understand.
‘It’ll be run over a few months and supervised by your team leader,’
Felix continued. ‘At the end, he’ll sign off on your work. I’ll sign off on it and
so will HR.’
‘HR? But, wait, Felix, the mistakes
I have made are due to a lack of experience in this particular area. A lack of test facilities. Look, to be honest, I don’t think
this merge is being handled well. Do you realise we’re being forced into roles that
we don’t want? It’s not just me.’
‘This merge is about what’s best for the company.’ He poked at
the desk. ‘We need to be on top of the new Asian markets and I expect a hundred
and ten per cent from everyone.’
How could he think I had a bad attitude? Wasn’t it obvious I
was committed to my job? I hadn’t been prepared for this kind of attack. My gaze
dropped to my hands, taking a break from his stare.
‘Did you know James in OTC once fixed eighteen bugs in one day. John in Derivatives once worked twenty
hours straight to see a rollout through. The thing that pisses me off
pictures. My bedroom was empty except for my bed and a pair of red, scented candles
sitting on the floor. In the market I’d seen wrought iron candlesticks that would
be nice. I tugged gently at the makeshift curtain; a sheet folded over the curtain
rail. Pale pink would be a good colour in here.
The door-phone buzzed and I clicked in the delivery guy. Our
short conversation lingered in the air as I sat down and pulled the rug over my
legs. I opened up my laptop to start a DVD.
On Monday morning I left the grey light on the steps down to
the tube with music blasting in my ears. Still wrapped in a cocoon of sleep, I listened
with my eyes closed as the tube shook me along to work.
At least the meeting with Felix was first thing, so I’d get it
over with. I walked around the R&D floor to his office feeling eyes on me, but
looked about to confirm I was just being paranoid. My hands were moist. I tried
clutching them to my skirt to keep them dry.
‘Take a seat,’ Felix said. Even calm his voice sounded like a
dog barking, as if it was broken from overuse.
I sat down opposite him trying not to sink into the easy-chair.
‘So what have you learned from METX? What do you think went wrong?’
‘Obviously I made some mistakes in my handling of the crises
but I think I’m a lot more aware of our crisis procedures now, which is a good thing,
in terms of my bug. I’m actually a big advocate of a more structured test phase.
Our steps are a bit casual and haphazard. I think we really need to look at overnight
auto-testing, for example. I think we should even be making this sort of thing priority.’
‘The problem I have with you is I don’t think you take your job
seriously.’
‘What?’ I stared at him. ‘I don’t understand. I worked really
long hours on METX. And my projects have all gone well up until now.’
‘You didn’t push for what your project needed. When there was
a problem, you didn’t react with urgency. You didn’t restart the feed until someone
else suggested it.’ He counted on fingers. ‘You didn’t even move the feed until
the afternoon even though you knew it could compromise the server.’ His face was
rigid. I could tell he was genuinely angry with me.
‘I was just so focused on finding the problem.’ I blushed.
‘A senior engineer tracks down the problem and handles risk at
the same time. A senior engineer doesn’t take risks.’
‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t fully aware of all my options.’ I wondered
how long this humiliation would last. ‘Look, the things that went wrong were because
of a lack of experience. Next time I’ll know better.’
‘That’s why you’re being put on a revision programme.’
‘What? What’s that?’
‘It’s an official way for us to monitor your progress and make
sure you know everything you need to know.’
I looked about the office, blinking, trying to understand.
‘It’ll be run over a few months and supervised by your team leader,’
Felix continued. ‘At the end, he’ll sign off on your work. I’ll sign off on it and
so will HR.’
‘HR? But, wait, Felix, the mistakes
I have made are due to a lack of experience in this particular area. A lack of test facilities. Look, to be honest, I don’t think
this merge is being handled well. Do you realise we’re being forced into roles that
we don’t want? It’s not just me.’
‘This merge is about what’s best for the company.’ He poked at
the desk. ‘We need to be on top of the new Asian markets and I expect a hundred
and ten per cent from everyone.’
How could he think I had a bad attitude? Wasn’t it obvious I
was committed to my job? I hadn’t been prepared for this kind of attack. My gaze
dropped to my hands, taking a break from his stare.
‘Did you know James in OTC once fixed eighteen bugs in one day. John in Derivatives once worked twenty
hours straight to see a rollout through. The thing that pisses me off
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