Read Online The Hunger Pains by Harvard Lampoon - Free Book Online
Authors: Harvard Lampoon
Ads: Link
heart with an arrow to put me out of my misery. But Carol isn’t here. I shudder to think what he must be going through, how he also has to watch this monologue.
I am on the verge of passing out from the monologue when Jaesar stops for a commercial break. When we go back on air, the interviews begin. It takes me a while to recover from the jokes, and when I look up, Jaesar is already interviewing the boy tribute from District 3, the moral qualms district. A thoughtful, bookish boy who chooses his words carefully, he is pinning all his hopes on his recollection of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War , although he admits he has difficulty overlooking the ethical tensions in the work. Tributes from the moral qualms district always do very badly in the Hunger Games.
I sit like a lady, the way Buttitch showed me, as the districts slip by. The tributes all interview well, and it makesme nervous. Gatsby Rockefeller CCXLIV, the boy tribute from District 6—the old money district—is perfectly at ease in front of the cameras. He disdainfully tells Jaesar that the Games are no different than a good fox hunt and that his father will hear if anything happens to him. When Jaesar tells him that his three minutes are up, Gatsby threatens to have him fired.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Effu waving in my direction, desperately trying to tell me something. “I wish that Gatsby was my tribute instead of you!” she whispers when I look up. I roll my eyes.
Even Run, the baby from District 11, gives an impressive interview. She spends the first two minutes giggling and pointing at the stage lights, which is very cute, then blows everyone away by saying her first word, ketchup , on live television. The audience gives her a standing ovation as she crawls back to her seat. If only I were a baby. I could get away with the giggling and first-word strategy. I bet most of the sponsors are at least considering her right now.
Smash, the towering tribute from District 11, takes a different approach. “Training good ,” he grunts, then picks up Jaesar and lifts him high above his head. Before anyone can explain to him that the private training sessions are over, Smash throws Jaesar into the audience and returns to his seat.
Then it’s my turn to be interviewed. Jaesar brushes some dirt off his suit and says, “I haven’t taken a fall like that since last season’s ratings came in!” As the audience hoots and applauds, I again feel nauseous. I will be sitting less than threefeet away from Jaesar during our interview. It will be impossible to ignore his jokes.
“So, Kantkiss,” Jaesar says, getting down to business, “What do you think of the Capital?”
My mind goes blank. Desperately, I seek out Cinnabon in the audience. “Just be honest,” he mouths encouragingly, giving me two thumbs-up.
“Well,” I begin, “obviously I hate the Capital. All of my life it has oppressed me and my family, making us live in poverty and killing my dad, and now it is forcing me to fight to the death against kids. I just completely hate it.”
The words come out before I can stop them. I gulp. I’ve definitely gone too far this time. Cinnabon’s advice sounded so reasonable!
Jaesar and the rest of the audience look at me quizzically. Any second now I will be taken to the Capital’s prisons and tortured for inciting revolution. Maybe they will turn me into a Notalks instead of killing me. I just pray they don’t hurt my family.
But when Jaesar finally speaks, he sounds amused rather than angry. “What was that, mummy? I couldn’t hear a word you said through that scary costume of yours!” I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Cinnabon to the rescue again.
“That reminds me of the time I flew Egyptian Airways,” Jaesar continues. “Do you want to hear about that?”
Vigorously, I shake my head and make my scariest warrior mummy sounds. But it’s no use. The audience shouts and encourages Jaesar to tell his story and he does, completewith
I am on the verge of passing out from the monologue when Jaesar stops for a commercial break. When we go back on air, the interviews begin. It takes me a while to recover from the jokes, and when I look up, Jaesar is already interviewing the boy tribute from District 3, the moral qualms district. A thoughtful, bookish boy who chooses his words carefully, he is pinning all his hopes on his recollection of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War , although he admits he has difficulty overlooking the ethical tensions in the work. Tributes from the moral qualms district always do very badly in the Hunger Games.
I sit like a lady, the way Buttitch showed me, as the districts slip by. The tributes all interview well, and it makesme nervous. Gatsby Rockefeller CCXLIV, the boy tribute from District 6—the old money district—is perfectly at ease in front of the cameras. He disdainfully tells Jaesar that the Games are no different than a good fox hunt and that his father will hear if anything happens to him. When Jaesar tells him that his three minutes are up, Gatsby threatens to have him fired.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Effu waving in my direction, desperately trying to tell me something. “I wish that Gatsby was my tribute instead of you!” she whispers when I look up. I roll my eyes.
Even Run, the baby from District 11, gives an impressive interview. She spends the first two minutes giggling and pointing at the stage lights, which is very cute, then blows everyone away by saying her first word, ketchup , on live television. The audience gives her a standing ovation as she crawls back to her seat. If only I were a baby. I could get away with the giggling and first-word strategy. I bet most of the sponsors are at least considering her right now.
Smash, the towering tribute from District 11, takes a different approach. “Training good ,” he grunts, then picks up Jaesar and lifts him high above his head. Before anyone can explain to him that the private training sessions are over, Smash throws Jaesar into the audience and returns to his seat.
Then it’s my turn to be interviewed. Jaesar brushes some dirt off his suit and says, “I haven’t taken a fall like that since last season’s ratings came in!” As the audience hoots and applauds, I again feel nauseous. I will be sitting less than threefeet away from Jaesar during our interview. It will be impossible to ignore his jokes.
“So, Kantkiss,” Jaesar says, getting down to business, “What do you think of the Capital?”
My mind goes blank. Desperately, I seek out Cinnabon in the audience. “Just be honest,” he mouths encouragingly, giving me two thumbs-up.
“Well,” I begin, “obviously I hate the Capital. All of my life it has oppressed me and my family, making us live in poverty and killing my dad, and now it is forcing me to fight to the death against kids. I just completely hate it.”
The words come out before I can stop them. I gulp. I’ve definitely gone too far this time. Cinnabon’s advice sounded so reasonable!
Jaesar and the rest of the audience look at me quizzically. Any second now I will be taken to the Capital’s prisons and tortured for inciting revolution. Maybe they will turn me into a Notalks instead of killing me. I just pray they don’t hurt my family.
But when Jaesar finally speaks, he sounds amused rather than angry. “What was that, mummy? I couldn’t hear a word you said through that scary costume of yours!” I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Cinnabon to the rescue again.
“That reminds me of the time I flew Egyptian Airways,” Jaesar continues. “Do you want to hear about that?”
Vigorously, I shake my head and make my scariest warrior mummy sounds. But it’s no use. The audience shouts and encourages Jaesar to tell his story and he does, completewith
Similar Books
