Read Online The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin - Free Book Online
Authors: Robert Rankin
Tags: Fiction, General, Humorous stories, Humorous, Science-Fiction, Fantasy, Crime, Mystery Fiction, Serial Murders, sf_humor, Characters and Characteristics in Literature, Teddy bears
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relationship,' said Eddie, to no one other than himself. 'But let's look on the bright side. By sheer chance, or coincidence, or a force greater than ourselves, which guides our paths and moulds our destinies, we have stopped right outside Nursery Towers, the home of the late and lamented Humpty Dumpty.'
6
Humpty Dumpty.
Did he fall, or was he pushed, or was it that he jumped?
Or was it, in fact, none of the above?
There has always been controversy surrounding Humpty Dumpty's famous plunge from the wall. Historical details are sketchy at best. Eyewitness accounts conflict. And even the exact location of the original wall remains uncertain. [2]
Conspiracy theories abound. One hinges on the matter of Humpty's real identity. According to some, he was a failed Toy City TV stuntman called Terry Horsey, who reinvented himself by taking on the exotic, foreign-sounding name of Humpty Dumpty and performing a real-life stunt, without the aid of a crash mat.
This theory has been dubbed the 'Did He Fall (on purpose)? Theory'.
It does not, however, stand up to close scrutiny, as extensive searches through the Toy City TV archives have failed to turn up a single piece of footage, from any TV show, that involved a thirty-seven-stone stunt man.
The 'Was He Pushed? Theory' stands upon even shakier ground (ha ha). It incorporates a number of co-related sub-theories, listed below:
Sub-theory 1: He was pushed by: (a) a jealous lover; (b) a miffed business associate; (c) a rival, either in love, or in business; or (d) an assassin hired by any of the above.
But he survived the fall.
Sub-theory 2: He did
not
survive the fall. In this theory, he actually died and was replaced by a lookalike.
Sub-theory 3: He
did
survive the fall, but was replaced by a lookalike anyway and went into seclusion somewhere.
Exactly where, and indeed
why,
is not explained.
The 'Did He Jump? Theory', currently enjoying a renaissance in Toy City's popular press, puts forward the failed suicide hypothesis. It hints at depression brought on by Humpty's obvious eating disorder and draws support from an interview he once gave on
The Tuffet,
a popular Toy City TV chat show hosted by the ever-youthful Miss Muffet, on which Humpty spoke at length about his weight problem.
Critics of this particular theory state that Humpty's appearance on the show was nothing more than a cynical marketing exercise to promote his latest book,
The H Plan Diet.
Yet another theory has it that there was more than one Humpty Dumpty, but no wall involved: one Humpty fell from the side of a grassy knoll and another from the window of a book depository.
This is known as 'The Particularly Stupid Theory'.
Here endeth the theories.
For now.
There was a lot of manipulation involved. And that's not easy when you don't have opposing thumbs. Or even fingers. All you have to work with are paws, and crude paws to boot. (Or to paw.) Eddie dug around in the glove compartment. When he'd finally wormed out the hypodermic, it was the Devil-bear's own job for him to grip it and aim it and actually inject its contents into Jack.
The result was somewhat immediate.
'Are we there?' asked Jack, opening his eyes.
'We're here,' said Eddie, tossing the hypo out of the car and grinning painfully. 'Nice driving.'
'Piece of cake. So what now?'
'Okay. Well, we have to get in there. There might be a policeman on guard, so we...
whisper, whisper, whisper.'
'We'll
whatr
'You'll...
whisper, whisper, whisper.'
'Why are you doing all this
whisper, whisper, whispering?'
Eddie sighed. 'Did you understand any of it?' he asked.
'Yes, all,' said Jack.
'Then doit.'
'Fair enough.'
Nursery Towers was big. Which is to say,
big.
It was a major complex on the lower western slope of Knob Hill. Only the very rich lived here. Nursery Towers rose up and up and spread all around and about.
'There's money here,' said Jack, peering up. 'Big money.'
'Please try and keep your mind on the job.'
Jack swung open the
6
Humpty Dumpty.
Did he fall, or was he pushed, or was it that he jumped?
Or was it, in fact, none of the above?
There has always been controversy surrounding Humpty Dumpty's famous plunge from the wall. Historical details are sketchy at best. Eyewitness accounts conflict. And even the exact location of the original wall remains uncertain. [2]
Conspiracy theories abound. One hinges on the matter of Humpty's real identity. According to some, he was a failed Toy City TV stuntman called Terry Horsey, who reinvented himself by taking on the exotic, foreign-sounding name of Humpty Dumpty and performing a real-life stunt, without the aid of a crash mat.
This theory has been dubbed the 'Did He Fall (on purpose)? Theory'.
It does not, however, stand up to close scrutiny, as extensive searches through the Toy City TV archives have failed to turn up a single piece of footage, from any TV show, that involved a thirty-seven-stone stunt man.
The 'Was He Pushed? Theory' stands upon even shakier ground (ha ha). It incorporates a number of co-related sub-theories, listed below:
Sub-theory 1: He was pushed by: (a) a jealous lover; (b) a miffed business associate; (c) a rival, either in love, or in business; or (d) an assassin hired by any of the above.
But he survived the fall.
Sub-theory 2: He did
not
survive the fall. In this theory, he actually died and was replaced by a lookalike.
Sub-theory 3: He
did
survive the fall, but was replaced by a lookalike anyway and went into seclusion somewhere.
Exactly where, and indeed
why,
is not explained.
The 'Did He Jump? Theory', currently enjoying a renaissance in Toy City's popular press, puts forward the failed suicide hypothesis. It hints at depression brought on by Humpty's obvious eating disorder and draws support from an interview he once gave on
The Tuffet,
a popular Toy City TV chat show hosted by the ever-youthful Miss Muffet, on which Humpty spoke at length about his weight problem.
Critics of this particular theory state that Humpty's appearance on the show was nothing more than a cynical marketing exercise to promote his latest book,
The H Plan Diet.
Yet another theory has it that there was more than one Humpty Dumpty, but no wall involved: one Humpty fell from the side of a grassy knoll and another from the window of a book depository.
This is known as 'The Particularly Stupid Theory'.
Here endeth the theories.
For now.
There was a lot of manipulation involved. And that's not easy when you don't have opposing thumbs. Or even fingers. All you have to work with are paws, and crude paws to boot. (Or to paw.) Eddie dug around in the glove compartment. When he'd finally wormed out the hypodermic, it was the Devil-bear's own job for him to grip it and aim it and actually inject its contents into Jack.
The result was somewhat immediate.
'Are we there?' asked Jack, opening his eyes.
'We're here,' said Eddie, tossing the hypo out of the car and grinning painfully. 'Nice driving.'
'Piece of cake. So what now?'
'Okay. Well, we have to get in there. There might be a policeman on guard, so we...
whisper, whisper, whisper.'
'We'll
whatr
'You'll...
whisper, whisper, whisper.'
'Why are you doing all this
whisper, whisper, whispering?'
Eddie sighed. 'Did you understand any of it?' he asked.
'Yes, all,' said Jack.
'Then doit.'
'Fair enough.'
Nursery Towers was big. Which is to say,
big.
It was a major complex on the lower western slope of Knob Hill. Only the very rich lived here. Nursery Towers rose up and up and spread all around and about.
'There's money here,' said Jack, peering up. 'Big money.'
'Please try and keep your mind on the job.'
Jack swung open the
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