Read Online The Haters by Jesse Andrews - Free Book Online

And you’d never go see them.”
    We were quiet.
    â€œAir
Wolf
,” I tried.
    â€œYES,” shouted Corey.
    â€œAir Wolf is the exact same band except maybe there’s also an even fatter guy playing tenor sax,” said Ash.
    â€œDAMN IT,” shouted Corey.
    â€œThat’s best case,” mused Ash. “Actually, Air Wolf is probably just a third-rate metal band who found each other on Craigslist.”
    â€œAir Wolf’s probably like eight bands already, so let’s look them up,” said Corey.
    â€œCorey, you don’t have your phone.”
    There was a brief silence from the backseat.
    â€œThat’s right,” said Corey, trying to sound amped. “And I am
amped
about not having my phone.”
    â€œGive me a name that describes a band that I would actually want to go see,” Ash told us, “and we can go with that name. But I don’t think you guys have one.”
    The gauntlet had been thrown down. We were racking our brains for a name that Ash couldn’t destroy.
    We were up against an even bigger hater than ourselves, and I think it’s safe to say that both of our hearts were sick with fear.
    â€œI got one,” said Corey.
    â€œI’m listening,” said Ash.
    â€œAsh and the Shitheads.”
    â€œNope.”
    â€œYeah. I know it’s not good. But I can’t figure out why.”
    â€œHere’s one reason why it’s not good. Swear words in the name tend to mean no one in the band has any idea how to actually play their instrument. Everyone met at like a summer art program and decided they were going to suddenly form a band, despite never having played an instrument before, and now they’re Ash and the Shitheads. They sit around smokingCamel Lights and trying to convince each other that it’s cool that they sound terrible.”
    I could actually hear Corey trying to think.
    Eventually he said, “What if you pronounced it, Shuh-theeds? Is that still not good? Ash and the Shuh-theeds.”
    â€œThat’s probably worse.”
    â€œYeah. I know.”
    â€œAsh and the . . . Burnouts,” I said.
    â€œJesus,” said Ash. “No.”
    â€œFine, but it’s at least better than Ash and the Shuh-theeds.”
    â€œNo. No, it definitely is not. Ash and the Burnouts is the worst one so far.”
    â€œIt’s not the worst
so far
.”
    â€œIt’s even worse than Air Horse. Because the best-case scenario for Ash and the Burnouts is, they play Earth, Wind & Fire covers at corporate events. That’s best case.”
    â€œI agree but why,” said Corey.
    â€œYou guys have to stop with Name and the Somethings,” said Ash, “Because that’s never good. That formula is just played out and it’s never coming back. But when you add a pun in there, I mean, come on.
Ash?
And the
Burnouts
? They don’t even pretend to have self-respect. They’re a cover band, and they’ve opened every performance they’ve ever done with ‘Celebration’ by Kool & the Gang.”
    â€œWes loves that song,” announced Corey.
    â€œNo I don’t.”
    â€œYou did in eighth grade though.”
    â€œCorey. Shut the hell up.”
    â€œThe song’s not the problem,” Ash said. “Ash and the Burnouts playing that song is the problem.”
    We kept lobbing band names at her, but it wasn’t because we actually thought any of those names would work. It was just amazing to see a hater of her caliber in action. It was like watching a great athlete ferociously dunking on people.
    Ensign: “That’s a prog-rock band with too many members. They all take turns singing and none of them is any good. The drummer has one of those huge, three-story rigs where it’s kind of like he’s in a hamster ball. Halfway into their first song, they’re playing something in seventeen, or some other horrible time signature, and everyone