Read Online The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland - Free Book Online
Authors: Douglas Coupland
Tags: Fiction, General, Humorous, Humorous fiction, Love Stories, Authorship, Diary fiction, Divorced men, Fiction - Authorship
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off-ramps. They're everywhere. Staples, Office Depot. Those kinds of places."
Gloria took on the aspect of someone trying to attach a name to a face at a party. "I ..." Steve said, "For God's sake, Gloria, everyone knows about office superstores." "I buy my stationery at that store a few blocks from here. It never occurred to me to go to a ... an office ...
superstore. "
"You can get tremendous deals at superstores," said Brittany. "Post-it Notes and reams of bond paper are half the price they are at smaller, non-globalized stores. The aisles are wide. You can shop in comfort and style. They even have entire aisles devoted solely to ballpoint pens."
Gloria felt out of it. "Tomorrow I'm going to make a point of visiting an office superstore."
Steve felt like he'd won a small victory, but the smirk on Kyle's face robbed him of joy. "How's your drink?" Steve asked.
"It's fine. I have to go slow on the booze and watch my diet if I'm going to meet my deadline."
Gloria purred to Kyle, "It must be something to be young, handsome, rich and talented, with a beautiful wife and the future wide open to you. Don't you think so, Steve?"
Steve replied by fetching more Scotch.
"What are you working on now, Steve?" Kyle asked.
"A new novel."
"Really?"
"It doesn't have a title yet."
Gloria said, "Actually, the book doesn't exist yet."
"That's not true," Steve said. "I'm well into it."
"What's this novel about, then?"
"Curiously, it also takes place in an office superstore. "
"What a coincidence!" said Brittany.
Gloria sniggered.
Kyle was confused. "Really-an office superstore?
You're setting a novel in an office superstore? Are you far along with it?" Kyle asked.
"Oh, you know, a few chapters."
"Well, I'll be-"
Gloria said, "Steve, why don't you give us a reading?"
"I couldn't possibly do that, Gloria. The book is too young to be released into the world." "I see." Brittany asked, "Do you spend much time in office superstores, Steve? By the way, I must confess, I'm a fan of your work. Gumdrops, Lilies and Forceps was deeply moving. It changed the way I view fertility in literature." She blushed. "I can't believe I actually get to call one of my all-time heroes 'Steve'-in his own house, no less."
Gloria blurted out, "I'm an actress."
"Oh?" said Brittany, taken by surprise.
"I'm Lady Windermere in the local theatre production of Lady Windermere's Fan." "Isn't that something," said Kyle. "For me it's all about the craft, you know. Act, act, act."
Steve quickly batted the conversation back on track: :'I go to office superstores all the time. I enjoy the wide array of goods they provide at reasonable prices. And they're such a-you know-a popular phenomenon. I think it's important to engage with society."
Kyle sipped his Scotch. Was Steve really writing a novel set in an office superstore? As far as Kyle knew, Steve's concept of literature was frozen in time roughly three weeks before the invention of the telephone.
Steve said to Kyle, "I'm so busy at the university I haven't had time to read your first novel. Tell me, what is it called?"
"It's called Two Lost Decades."
"A good title."
"Thank you."
"What's it about? A vulgar little question, but in the end, it's the only one that matters."
"Okay. Because you ask. It's about this guy. He's fortyish. He used to be married, and had two kids, but one of them was hit by a car while riding his bike. Almost immediately after that his wife got cancer, and at the beginning it brought his family together in a way that he had never imagined possible, but that didn't last long, and a fog of death clouded their lives for a year. Then his wife got better, but she was tired, and our protagonist was tired-and he'd also said and done foolish things during the fog-so his wife left him, getting custody of the child.
"This guy endures all of these tribulations, except they don't change him. They don't make him a better person. They make him a worse person. He begins to lead a falling-down life.
Gloria took on the aspect of someone trying to attach a name to a face at a party. "I ..." Steve said, "For God's sake, Gloria, everyone knows about office superstores." "I buy my stationery at that store a few blocks from here. It never occurred to me to go to a ... an office ...
superstore. "
"You can get tremendous deals at superstores," said Brittany. "Post-it Notes and reams of bond paper are half the price they are at smaller, non-globalized stores. The aisles are wide. You can shop in comfort and style. They even have entire aisles devoted solely to ballpoint pens."
Gloria felt out of it. "Tomorrow I'm going to make a point of visiting an office superstore."
Steve felt like he'd won a small victory, but the smirk on Kyle's face robbed him of joy. "How's your drink?" Steve asked.
"It's fine. I have to go slow on the booze and watch my diet if I'm going to meet my deadline."
Gloria purred to Kyle, "It must be something to be young, handsome, rich and talented, with a beautiful wife and the future wide open to you. Don't you think so, Steve?"
Steve replied by fetching more Scotch.
"What are you working on now, Steve?" Kyle asked.
"A new novel."
"Really?"
"It doesn't have a title yet."
Gloria said, "Actually, the book doesn't exist yet."
"That's not true," Steve said. "I'm well into it."
"What's this novel about, then?"
"Curiously, it also takes place in an office superstore. "
"What a coincidence!" said Brittany.
Gloria sniggered.
Kyle was confused. "Really-an office superstore?
You're setting a novel in an office superstore? Are you far along with it?" Kyle asked.
"Oh, you know, a few chapters."
"Well, I'll be-"
Gloria said, "Steve, why don't you give us a reading?"
"I couldn't possibly do that, Gloria. The book is too young to be released into the world." "I see." Brittany asked, "Do you spend much time in office superstores, Steve? By the way, I must confess, I'm a fan of your work. Gumdrops, Lilies and Forceps was deeply moving. It changed the way I view fertility in literature." She blushed. "I can't believe I actually get to call one of my all-time heroes 'Steve'-in his own house, no less."
Gloria blurted out, "I'm an actress."
"Oh?" said Brittany, taken by surprise.
"I'm Lady Windermere in the local theatre production of Lady Windermere's Fan." "Isn't that something," said Kyle. "For me it's all about the craft, you know. Act, act, act."
Steve quickly batted the conversation back on track: :'I go to office superstores all the time. I enjoy the wide array of goods they provide at reasonable prices. And they're such a-you know-a popular phenomenon. I think it's important to engage with society."
Kyle sipped his Scotch. Was Steve really writing a novel set in an office superstore? As far as Kyle knew, Steve's concept of literature was frozen in time roughly three weeks before the invention of the telephone.
Steve said to Kyle, "I'm so busy at the university I haven't had time to read your first novel. Tell me, what is it called?"
"It's called Two Lost Decades."
"A good title."
"Thank you."
"What's it about? A vulgar little question, but in the end, it's the only one that matters."
"Okay. Because you ask. It's about this guy. He's fortyish. He used to be married, and had two kids, but one of them was hit by a car while riding his bike. Almost immediately after that his wife got cancer, and at the beginning it brought his family together in a way that he had never imagined possible, but that didn't last long, and a fog of death clouded their lives for a year. Then his wife got better, but she was tired, and our protagonist was tired-and he'd also said and done foolish things during the fog-so his wife left him, getting custody of the child.
"This guy endures all of these tribulations, except they don't change him. They don't make him a better person. They make him a worse person. He begins to lead a falling-down life.
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