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Authors: Tom Sharpe
Tags: Fiction:Humour
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who stood on the pavement and hailed a taxi to take them to Corkadales.
'Just don't shoot your mouth off too much,' she said as they drove across London. 'Geoffrey
Corkadale's a fag and he'll do the talking. He'll probably say a whole lot of complimentary
things about Pause O Men for the Virgin and you just nod.'
Piper nodded. The world was a gay, gay place in which anything was possible and everything
permissible. As an accepted author it became him to be modest. In the event he excelled himself
at Corkadales. Inspired by the sight of Trollope's inkpot in the glass case he launched into an
explanation of his own writing techniques with particular reference to the use of evaporated ink,
exchanged contracts for Search, and accepted Geoffrey's praise of Pause as a first-rate novel
with a suitably ironical smile.
'Extraordinary to think he could have written that filthy book,' Geoffrey whispered to Sonia
as they were leaving. 'I had expected some long-haired hippie and my dear, this one is out of the
Ark.'
'Just shows you can never tell,' said Sonia. 'Anyway you're going to get a lot of excellent
publicity for Pause. I've got him on the "Books To Be Read" programme.'
'How very clever you are,' said Geoffrey. 'I'm delighted. And the American deal is definitely
on?'
'Definitely,' said Sonia.
They took another taxi and drove back towards Lanyard Lane.
'You were marvellous,' she told Piper. 'Just stick to talking about your pens and ink and how
you write your books and refuse to discuss their content and we'll have no trouble.'
'Nobody seems to discuss books anyway,' said Piper. 'I thought the conversation would be quite
different. More literary.'
He got out in Charing Cross Road and spent the rest of the afternoon browsing in Foyle's while
Sonia went back to the office and reassured Frensic.
'No problems,' she said. 'He had Geoffrey fooled.'
'That's hardly surprising,' said Frensic, 'Geoffrey is a fool. Wait till Eleanor Beazley
starts asking him about his portrayal of the sexual psyche of an eighty-year-old woman. That's
when the fat's going to be in the fire.'
'She won't. I've told her he never discusses his past work. She's to stick to biographical
details and how he works. He's really convincing when he gets on to pens and ink. Did you know he
uses evaporated ink and writes in leatherbound ledgers? Isn't that quaint?'
'I'm only surprised he doesn't use a quill,' said Frensic. 'It's in keeping.'
'It's good copy. The Guardian interview with Jim Fossie is tomorrow morning and the Telegraph
wants him for the colour supplement in the afternoon. I tell you this bandwagon is beginning to
roll.'
That night, as Frensic made his way back to his flat with Piper, it was clear that the
bandwagon had indeed begun to roll. The newstands announced BRITISH NOVELIST MAKES TWO MILLION IN
BIGGEST DEAL EVER.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive,' murmured Frensic and
bought a paper. Beside him Piper nursed the large green hardback copy of Thomas Mann's Doctor
Faustus which he had bought at Foyle's. He was thinking of utilizing its symphonic approach in
his third novel.
Chapter 6
Next morning the bandwagon began to roll in earnest. After a night spent dreaming of Sonia and
preparing himself for the ordeal, Piper arrived at the office to discuss his life, literary
opinions and methods of work with Jim Fossie of the Guardian. Frensic and Sonia hovered anxiously
in the background to ensure discretion but there was no need. Whatever Piper's limitations as a
writer of novels, as a putative novelist he played his role expertly. He spoke of Literature in
the abstract, referred scathingly to one or two eminent contemporary novelists, but for the most
part concentrated on the use of evaporated ink and the limitations of the modern fountain pen as
an aid to literary creation.
'I believe in craftsmanship,' he said, 'the old-fashioned virtues of
'Just don't shoot your mouth off too much,' she said as they drove across London. 'Geoffrey
Corkadale's a fag and he'll do the talking. He'll probably say a whole lot of complimentary
things about Pause O Men for the Virgin and you just nod.'
Piper nodded. The world was a gay, gay place in which anything was possible and everything
permissible. As an accepted author it became him to be modest. In the event he excelled himself
at Corkadales. Inspired by the sight of Trollope's inkpot in the glass case he launched into an
explanation of his own writing techniques with particular reference to the use of evaporated ink,
exchanged contracts for Search, and accepted Geoffrey's praise of Pause as a first-rate novel
with a suitably ironical smile.
'Extraordinary to think he could have written that filthy book,' Geoffrey whispered to Sonia
as they were leaving. 'I had expected some long-haired hippie and my dear, this one is out of the
Ark.'
'Just shows you can never tell,' said Sonia. 'Anyway you're going to get a lot of excellent
publicity for Pause. I've got him on the "Books To Be Read" programme.'
'How very clever you are,' said Geoffrey. 'I'm delighted. And the American deal is definitely
on?'
'Definitely,' said Sonia.
They took another taxi and drove back towards Lanyard Lane.
'You were marvellous,' she told Piper. 'Just stick to talking about your pens and ink and how
you write your books and refuse to discuss their content and we'll have no trouble.'
'Nobody seems to discuss books anyway,' said Piper. 'I thought the conversation would be quite
different. More literary.'
He got out in Charing Cross Road and spent the rest of the afternoon browsing in Foyle's while
Sonia went back to the office and reassured Frensic.
'No problems,' she said. 'He had Geoffrey fooled.'
'That's hardly surprising,' said Frensic, 'Geoffrey is a fool. Wait till Eleanor Beazley
starts asking him about his portrayal of the sexual psyche of an eighty-year-old woman. That's
when the fat's going to be in the fire.'
'She won't. I've told her he never discusses his past work. She's to stick to biographical
details and how he works. He's really convincing when he gets on to pens and ink. Did you know he
uses evaporated ink and writes in leatherbound ledgers? Isn't that quaint?'
'I'm only surprised he doesn't use a quill,' said Frensic. 'It's in keeping.'
'It's good copy. The Guardian interview with Jim Fossie is tomorrow morning and the Telegraph
wants him for the colour supplement in the afternoon. I tell you this bandwagon is beginning to
roll.'
That night, as Frensic made his way back to his flat with Piper, it was clear that the
bandwagon had indeed begun to roll. The newstands announced BRITISH NOVELIST MAKES TWO MILLION IN
BIGGEST DEAL EVER.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive,' murmured Frensic and
bought a paper. Beside him Piper nursed the large green hardback copy of Thomas Mann's Doctor
Faustus which he had bought at Foyle's. He was thinking of utilizing its symphonic approach in
his third novel.
Chapter 6
Next morning the bandwagon began to roll in earnest. After a night spent dreaming of Sonia and
preparing himself for the ordeal, Piper arrived at the office to discuss his life, literary
opinions and methods of work with Jim Fossie of the Guardian. Frensic and Sonia hovered anxiously
in the background to ensure discretion but there was no need. Whatever Piper's limitations as a
writer of novels, as a putative novelist he played his role expertly. He spoke of Literature in
the abstract, referred scathingly to one or two eminent contemporary novelists, but for the most
part concentrated on the use of evaporated ink and the limitations of the modern fountain pen as
an aid to literary creation.
'I believe in craftsmanship,' he said, 'the old-fashioned virtues of
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