Read Online The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson - Free Book Online
Authors: Bobby Henderson
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gardener somewhere, and the midget-man looked her up and down and said, “One word, honey.
Cellulite.”
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings. And they heard the sound of the FSM floating around the Olive Garden and they hid and said, “What are you doing here?” Then the FSM said, “Where are you?” Man said, “I heard you floating around over there, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.” And the FSM said, “That’s fine, but can you tell me where you hid those delicious breadsticks? I haven’t eaten since the Creation.” “We ate them all,” the midget-man lied. “There aren’t any more breadsticks left.”
The Flood
Then the FSM saw that the wickedness of Man was great on earth, and that every thought of the little midget was ruled by his stomach.
Then the FSM said, “Fine, I’ll just cook for myself,” and He produced a great Colander of Goodness and He did collect water in an enormous pot, which He heated; and He did drop in a heaping portion of pasta and slowly simmer the sauce for so long that the original humansweren’t even around anymore when He was finally ready to eat. And He poured the spaghetti and water into the Colander of Goodness, careful to make sure that the water went down the drain of His sink. And as He was eating, He vacantly considered where the drain did empty, and the FSM said, “Uh oh.”
Luckily, Noah and Noah’s sons, Ham, Cheese, and Omel, and Noah’s wife and the three wives of his sons with them, had been working on “Big Noah’s Floating Menagerie,” which was to be housed in a giant ark of Noah’s design. On that day all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, and the drains of the heavens were opened. And the rain was on the earth forty days and forty nights, and the ark did float but it did stink.
After several battles with Pirates, the ark did finally rest on Mount Ararat, and when the waters receded it was a long walk home for Noah and his family. And no one could locate the unicorn pair, but they did discover Noah’s son Ham in a back chamber of the ark, picking his teeth with an oversized toothpick that remarkably resembled a horn.
The Tower of Scrapple
Like Noah, his sons were real entrepreneurs, and they did spread out-Ham went to the southern nations and started the Hamites; Cheese went to the central nations and started the Cheese-Its; and Omel journeyed northward to start the Omelets. There they did establish family diners to supply the locals with foodstuffs.
Ham, who was a bit of a troublemaker and always looking to squeeze out a few extra sheckels, determined to develop a foodstuff that could be produced from the leftover pig snouts and sawdust that did normally just get thrown in the garbage at the diner. He ground up this waste and did call it “scrapple.” And he did enlist the help of Nimrod to help market the scrapple. Needless to say, it wasn’t a fast seller, and the scrapple did pile up out behind the diner, sitting under the sun until it formed a sort of wretched tower.
Since they couldn’t sell it for food, Nimrod suggested they call it the Tower of Scrapple and charge a fancy sum for passersby to come behold its majesty. “A fool is born every minute,” he said to Ham, and Ham agreed.
Shortly thereafter, the FSM started noticing a bad smell around the firmament. He floated down and declared, “That thing, and I mean this quite literally, stinks to high heaven. What do you think you’re doing?” Thinking fast on his feet, Nimrod said, “We built it as a tribute to your greatness.” But the FSM wasn’t buying it. “I thought I told you to be fruitful and fill the earth,” He said to Nimrod. “And not with
flies
, with people.” Nimrod didn’t have a response to that, so the FSM told him, “Just tear it down.” Since the Tower of Scrapple wasn’t the tourist draw he’d hoped for,
Cellulite.”
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings. And they heard the sound of the FSM floating around the Olive Garden and they hid and said, “What are you doing here?” Then the FSM said, “Where are you?” Man said, “I heard you floating around over there, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.” And the FSM said, “That’s fine, but can you tell me where you hid those delicious breadsticks? I haven’t eaten since the Creation.” “We ate them all,” the midget-man lied. “There aren’t any more breadsticks left.”
The Flood
Then the FSM saw that the wickedness of Man was great on earth, and that every thought of the little midget was ruled by his stomach.
Then the FSM said, “Fine, I’ll just cook for myself,” and He produced a great Colander of Goodness and He did collect water in an enormous pot, which He heated; and He did drop in a heaping portion of pasta and slowly simmer the sauce for so long that the original humansweren’t even around anymore when He was finally ready to eat. And He poured the spaghetti and water into the Colander of Goodness, careful to make sure that the water went down the drain of His sink. And as He was eating, He vacantly considered where the drain did empty, and the FSM said, “Uh oh.”
Luckily, Noah and Noah’s sons, Ham, Cheese, and Omel, and Noah’s wife and the three wives of his sons with them, had been working on “Big Noah’s Floating Menagerie,” which was to be housed in a giant ark of Noah’s design. On that day all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, and the drains of the heavens were opened. And the rain was on the earth forty days and forty nights, and the ark did float but it did stink.
After several battles with Pirates, the ark did finally rest on Mount Ararat, and when the waters receded it was a long walk home for Noah and his family. And no one could locate the unicorn pair, but they did discover Noah’s son Ham in a back chamber of the ark, picking his teeth with an oversized toothpick that remarkably resembled a horn.
The Tower of Scrapple
Like Noah, his sons were real entrepreneurs, and they did spread out-Ham went to the southern nations and started the Hamites; Cheese went to the central nations and started the Cheese-Its; and Omel journeyed northward to start the Omelets. There they did establish family diners to supply the locals with foodstuffs.
Ham, who was a bit of a troublemaker and always looking to squeeze out a few extra sheckels, determined to develop a foodstuff that could be produced from the leftover pig snouts and sawdust that did normally just get thrown in the garbage at the diner. He ground up this waste and did call it “scrapple.” And he did enlist the help of Nimrod to help market the scrapple. Needless to say, it wasn’t a fast seller, and the scrapple did pile up out behind the diner, sitting under the sun until it formed a sort of wretched tower.
Since they couldn’t sell it for food, Nimrod suggested they call it the Tower of Scrapple and charge a fancy sum for passersby to come behold its majesty. “A fool is born every minute,” he said to Ham, and Ham agreed.
Shortly thereafter, the FSM started noticing a bad smell around the firmament. He floated down and declared, “That thing, and I mean this quite literally, stinks to high heaven. What do you think you’re doing?” Thinking fast on his feet, Nimrod said, “We built it as a tribute to your greatness.” But the FSM wasn’t buying it. “I thought I told you to be fruitful and fill the earth,” He said to Nimrod. “And not with
flies
, with people.” Nimrod didn’t have a response to that, so the FSM told him, “Just tear it down.” Since the Tower of Scrapple wasn’t the tourist draw he’d hoped for,
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