do this now?”
He holds me against him, his body molding into me, his arms holding me close. It feels so good against his body. It would be easy to go with the flow and just be with Neil.
He whispers, “He will never need you the way I need you. He will never want you as I want you. He will never love you the way I love you. I don’t care if you are in love with Alan. I’m in love with you. Don’t go to Santa Barbara. Come to Seattle with me.”
I feel his lips move along the side of my neck in light kisses and touches, and my body begins to ease into the contact, wanting it, even though I order myself not to.
It is too soon to think about trying again with Neil. Too soon to think about my life. Too soon to think about anything. April wasn’t that long ago. I’m not over it yet, and there are too many parts of me trapped in the past, mourning and hurting.
“It’s all happening too fast, Neil. I can’t think. I need time.”
“Fast? We’ve been together four years. Come to Seattle with me. Who says we’ve got to figure out everything today? Say fuck it to everything. Leave Berkeley and all the shit behind. I think it would be good for you to go out on the road with me for a while. You don’t have to stay on tour with me. You can leave if it’s not good. Just come with me. You don’t have to decide anything. I just want you with me.”
His impatience presses in on my already overly raw nerves. “I can’t give you an answer. Not today.”
Neil runs a hand through his hair, angry. “Fuck, Chrissie, I can’t stay any longer and I don’t want to leave without you. What are you going to do? Go back to Santa Barbara and wait around for some asshole who won’t ever call you? Is that your plan?”
The earth falls away beneath me. That was mean, Neil. So mean.
“I don’t have a plan,” I say into Neil’s acutely waiting silence.
After what seems like a monumental amount of time, he says, “You’re coming to Seattle with me, Chrissie. You won’t let me walk out that door without you. You just don’t know it yet.”
I frown, trying to process his words. He sounds so certain. But even I don’t know yet what I’m going to do at that moment when life forces me to choose right or left; the moment we either part again or stay together.
“Don’t force me to make decisions about us. I’m not there yet.”
He brushes my tense cheek with his thumb. “Then don’t make a decision. Don’t make a plan. Don’t think. Just come to Seattle with me, Chrissie.”
He says it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. Don’t think. Just come. Is life really that simple for Neil?
He straightens up and holds out his hand to me. “Come on. We should get home. You’ve still got packing to do.”
I’m silent as we walk back to the condo. If Neil is irritated with me, it doesn’t show. In fact he looks sort of happy. He’s smiling, though there is nothing about our discussion that should make Neil smile. But then he rarely gets angry and his temper always cools fast. He can’t stay angry. He’s uncomfortable being hurtful. And even though he sometimes gives me a nudge here and there, he doesn’t push hard, not like Alan. Neil is the exact opposite of Alan.
It’s a short walk to the complex. In only a few minutes we’re in the elevator, Neil leaning against one mirrored wall and me against another.
I slant a look at him and some of my anxiousness wanes. He doesn’t seem the slightest bit distressed and doesn’t have the look of someone who intends any more weighty discussions today. He’s just sort of there, letting me be.
The doors open and he has my hand again. Outside our door, he fishes in his pocket, and removes his key chain. I can feel my eyes widen as I watch him unlock the door. I hadn’t noticed before now that Neil still had a key to my place, that I had forgotten to ask for it back when we broke up in December. Strange, but I didn’t even think of taking back my key.
Inside the
He holds me against him, his body molding into me, his arms holding me close. It feels so good against his body. It would be easy to go with the flow and just be with Neil.
He whispers, “He will never need you the way I need you. He will never want you as I want you. He will never love you the way I love you. I don’t care if you are in love with Alan. I’m in love with you. Don’t go to Santa Barbara. Come to Seattle with me.”
I feel his lips move along the side of my neck in light kisses and touches, and my body begins to ease into the contact, wanting it, even though I order myself not to.
It is too soon to think about trying again with Neil. Too soon to think about my life. Too soon to think about anything. April wasn’t that long ago. I’m not over it yet, and there are too many parts of me trapped in the past, mourning and hurting.
“It’s all happening too fast, Neil. I can’t think. I need time.”
“Fast? We’ve been together four years. Come to Seattle with me. Who says we’ve got to figure out everything today? Say fuck it to everything. Leave Berkeley and all the shit behind. I think it would be good for you to go out on the road with me for a while. You don’t have to stay on tour with me. You can leave if it’s not good. Just come with me. You don’t have to decide anything. I just want you with me.”
His impatience presses in on my already overly raw nerves. “I can’t give you an answer. Not today.”
Neil runs a hand through his hair, angry. “Fuck, Chrissie, I can’t stay any longer and I don’t want to leave without you. What are you going to do? Go back to Santa Barbara and wait around for some asshole who won’t ever call you? Is that your plan?”
The earth falls away beneath me. That was mean, Neil. So mean.
“I don’t have a plan,” I say into Neil’s acutely waiting silence.
After what seems like a monumental amount of time, he says, “You’re coming to Seattle with me, Chrissie. You won’t let me walk out that door without you. You just don’t know it yet.”
I frown, trying to process his words. He sounds so certain. But even I don’t know yet what I’m going to do at that moment when life forces me to choose right or left; the moment we either part again or stay together.
“Don’t force me to make decisions about us. I’m not there yet.”
He brushes my tense cheek with his thumb. “Then don’t make a decision. Don’t make a plan. Don’t think. Just come to Seattle with me, Chrissie.”
He says it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. Don’t think. Just come. Is life really that simple for Neil?
He straightens up and holds out his hand to me. “Come on. We should get home. You’ve still got packing to do.”
I’m silent as we walk back to the condo. If Neil is irritated with me, it doesn’t show. In fact he looks sort of happy. He’s smiling, though there is nothing about our discussion that should make Neil smile. But then he rarely gets angry and his temper always cools fast. He can’t stay angry. He’s uncomfortable being hurtful. And even though he sometimes gives me a nudge here and there, he doesn’t push hard, not like Alan. Neil is the exact opposite of Alan.
It’s a short walk to the complex. In only a few minutes we’re in the elevator, Neil leaning against one mirrored wall and me against another.
I slant a look at him and some of my anxiousness wanes. He doesn’t seem the slightest bit distressed and doesn’t have the look of someone who intends any more weighty discussions today. He’s just sort of there, letting me be.
The doors open and he has my hand again. Outside our door, he fishes in his pocket, and removes his key chain. I can feel my eyes widen as I watch him unlock the door. I hadn’t noticed before now that Neil still had a key to my place, that I had forgotten to ask for it back when we broke up in December. Strange, but I didn’t even think of taking back my key.
Inside the
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