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Authors: J. P. Donleavy
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bags of tea.
"Sebastian, give me my talcum powder on the window sill."
"Certainly.''
"How was the park?"
"Very nice."
"That's such an odor."
"I tell you, it's the finest thing in the world. I need it for my brains. Sheep's head gives brain food."
Sebastian picked up a movie magazine and sank in the easy chair, waiting for the sheep. Red brash brightness of these faces. I was once approached by a talent scout in summer stock. He said, how would you like to come to Hollywood. I told him they'd have to feed me brandy day and night He said he was serious and wanted me to think the offer over. I told him my allowance from home was as much as that. But kid, you just wait till after your first picture. This man's name was Bill Kelly. Call me Bender Kelly. He said his mother and father were born in Ireland and someday he thought he would take a trip over there looking for talent, and maybe find some real talent. Mr. Kelly said they got a lot of girls from Ireland. But, you see, these Irish girls don't get far in Hollywood. Got to drop the drawers at the strategic moment You see, you got to realize there's compromise wherever you go in this world, get screwed or sacked. Some hold out but not for long. But a guy with your stuff could go places. Where'd you pick up acting? I beg your pardon, Mr. Kelly, I was born an actor. Well, that's what they all say, Mr. Kelly had a few more drinks and said Hollywood killed you like these Aztec guys used to get one of these girls and dress her all up, big star, then put her up there on the altar and tear her heart out. But Mr. Kelly, how sordid. It's sordid all right, that's why you've got to be tough. But I'm just a frond, I just know I couldn't bear it. Well, Mr. Sebastian Beet Sebastian Balfe Dangerfield. Jesus. Well, anyway, I'd like to get married and have some kids. I've knocked up some high school girls. Maybe that's not so good but isn't that the way life is, all squeeze and tease? I've handled some big stars in my time. Big. Really big. And Mr. Kelly got drunk and vomited all over the bar. It is well to remember there's a village called Hollywood in the Wicklow mountains.
Marion humming in the kitchen. Not often that happened.
"Make some toast, baby."
"Slice the bread."
"I'm studying."
"I see that silly movie magazine."
"Marion, do you like men with hairy chests ? "
"Yes."
"Biceps?"
"A bit"
"How about the shoulders?"
"So that he can wear a suit"
"Would you say now, that I'm your man?"
"Don't like men with pots."
"I beg your pardon. Pot? Not a bit—just look. Will you look in here a minute. See. Nothing there at all. You might even say I was wasted."
"Come and deal with this wretched head."
"Delighted. O I tell you, it's coming along a jolly treat What ho and bang on and wizard whip. Sound the horn you buggers."
"Cut the bread."
"Of course, darling."
"Don't say that if you don't mean it"
"I mean it"
"You don't mean it"
"All right, I don't mean it Why don't we buy a radio? I think we need a radio."
"With what?"
"Hire purchase. A system for people like us."
"Yes, and that could pay our milk bill."
"We can have milk too. Few shillings a week."
"Why don't you take a part time job then?"
"Must study."
"Of course. Yes of course, you must study."
"O now, now, now, give me a little kiss. Come on, on the lips, one."
"Get away from me."
"Not cricket"
"Bring in the chair, please."
"Then, let's go to the cinema."
"Have you forgotten? We have a child you know."
"Shit"
"Stop it, stop it Stop using that ugly word to me."
"Shit"
"If you say that word once more I'll leave this house. You may use that sort of language with your working class friends but I shan't stand for it"
"Leave."
"Every meal is like this, every meal"
"Meals? What meals?"
"My God, what did I marry."
"You certainly didn't have to marry me."
"Well, I wish I hadn't now. Father was right You're a wastrel. Done nothing but drink with your wretched friends, all useless people. Will they help
"Sebastian, give me my talcum powder on the window sill."
"Certainly.''
"How was the park?"
"Very nice."
"That's such an odor."
"I tell you, it's the finest thing in the world. I need it for my brains. Sheep's head gives brain food."
Sebastian picked up a movie magazine and sank in the easy chair, waiting for the sheep. Red brash brightness of these faces. I was once approached by a talent scout in summer stock. He said, how would you like to come to Hollywood. I told him they'd have to feed me brandy day and night He said he was serious and wanted me to think the offer over. I told him my allowance from home was as much as that. But kid, you just wait till after your first picture. This man's name was Bill Kelly. Call me Bender Kelly. He said his mother and father were born in Ireland and someday he thought he would take a trip over there looking for talent, and maybe find some real talent. Mr. Kelly said they got a lot of girls from Ireland. But, you see, these Irish girls don't get far in Hollywood. Got to drop the drawers at the strategic moment You see, you got to realize there's compromise wherever you go in this world, get screwed or sacked. Some hold out but not for long. But a guy with your stuff could go places. Where'd you pick up acting? I beg your pardon, Mr. Kelly, I was born an actor. Well, that's what they all say, Mr. Kelly had a few more drinks and said Hollywood killed you like these Aztec guys used to get one of these girls and dress her all up, big star, then put her up there on the altar and tear her heart out. But Mr. Kelly, how sordid. It's sordid all right, that's why you've got to be tough. But I'm just a frond, I just know I couldn't bear it. Well, Mr. Sebastian Beet Sebastian Balfe Dangerfield. Jesus. Well, anyway, I'd like to get married and have some kids. I've knocked up some high school girls. Maybe that's not so good but isn't that the way life is, all squeeze and tease? I've handled some big stars in my time. Big. Really big. And Mr. Kelly got drunk and vomited all over the bar. It is well to remember there's a village called Hollywood in the Wicklow mountains.
Marion humming in the kitchen. Not often that happened.
"Make some toast, baby."
"Slice the bread."
"I'm studying."
"I see that silly movie magazine."
"Marion, do you like men with hairy chests ? "
"Yes."
"Biceps?"
"A bit"
"How about the shoulders?"
"So that he can wear a suit"
"Would you say now, that I'm your man?"
"Don't like men with pots."
"I beg your pardon. Pot? Not a bit—just look. Will you look in here a minute. See. Nothing there at all. You might even say I was wasted."
"Come and deal with this wretched head."
"Delighted. O I tell you, it's coming along a jolly treat What ho and bang on and wizard whip. Sound the horn you buggers."
"Cut the bread."
"Of course, darling."
"Don't say that if you don't mean it"
"I mean it"
"You don't mean it"
"All right, I don't mean it Why don't we buy a radio? I think we need a radio."
"With what?"
"Hire purchase. A system for people like us."
"Yes, and that could pay our milk bill."
"We can have milk too. Few shillings a week."
"Why don't you take a part time job then?"
"Must study."
"Of course. Yes of course, you must study."
"O now, now, now, give me a little kiss. Come on, on the lips, one."
"Get away from me."
"Not cricket"
"Bring in the chair, please."
"Then, let's go to the cinema."
"Have you forgotten? We have a child you know."
"Shit"
"Stop it, stop it Stop using that ugly word to me."
"Shit"
"If you say that word once more I'll leave this house. You may use that sort of language with your working class friends but I shan't stand for it"
"Leave."
"Every meal is like this, every meal"
"Meals? What meals?"
"My God, what did I marry."
"You certainly didn't have to marry me."
"Well, I wish I hadn't now. Father was right You're a wastrel. Done nothing but drink with your wretched friends, all useless people. Will they help
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