Read Online The Funnies by John Lennon - Free Book Online

arctic hiss, and muffled traffic noise from outside.
    â€œTo Dorothy, my wife, and my children Rosalinde, Robert and Beatrice, I leave my extant liquid assets. These are to be divided equally into funds which I have already established in their names. In addition, I have established for my wife, Dorothy, in her name, a fund for the maintenance of her care until her death, such fund as will be attended to by the executor of this will.” He looked up, smiling sadly at my mother, whose eyes were elsewhere.
    â€œTo Pierce Mix, I leave the contents of the bank account already established jointly in our names, the house at 12 Old Dock Road, Riverbank, New Jersey, the attached garage, the 1984 Cadillac El Dorado, and the land surrounding the house and garage, save that land on which my cartoon studio stands. To Pierce I also leave this envelope, its contents, and all rights and claims attached to its contents.”
    Mal held up the bulging envelope and set it down again.
    â€œSave those items already mentioned, I leave my worldly possessions to my wife and all my children, to be divided as they see fit.”
    He paused a moment here. Had I not heard right, or had my name not been mentioned along with the liquid assets? Could it be that I would get no money at all? The thought crowded my head like a mouthful of stale bread. Nothing! I was getting nothing!
    â€œTo my son Timothy,” Mal read, perhaps more slowly now. “I leave the Family Funnies comic strip, all merchandising, reprint, animation, book publishing, advertising and other rights as set forth in my name by Burn Features Syndicate, Incorporated, and the cartoon studio behind 12 Old Dock Road, Riverbank, New Jersey, the land it stands on and its full contents (and all rights to all drawings therein) under the following conditions: that he is able, three months from this date, to produce a week’s worth of daily Family Funnies strips of his own devising and execution, to the satisfaction of a board of Burn Features editors and directors set forth below.” Mal proceeded to read from a list of names, none of which I heard. A silence gathered in the room with guerrilla stealth. People were looking at me.
    â€œI don’t get it,” I said, my voice dying in the chill air.
    â€œHe left you the comic strip,” Mal said. “To draw.”
    â€œThat’s all?”
    â€œThis too,” he said, and pushed the second envelope toward me. It had the approximate heft of three or four pieces of paper.
    I turned the envelope over in my hands. TIM , it read, in faint ballpoint ink. When I looked up I met Susan’s eyes. She was gazing at me expectantly, like a lover naked under a thin sheet.
    â€œExcuse me,” I said, and walked out.

six
    I found a men’s room in the hallway, pushed the door open, and locked myself into a stall, where I sat down on the toilet and ripped open the envelope. Inside was a handwritten letter. It read:
    Tim—
    Well, I imagine you’re pretty pissed off right now, being as you didn’t get any money from me. Of course if you can pull this off you’ll get all the money you’ll ever need and then some. Not that money’s important to you. Or is it?
    We both know that what you’re doing is a lot of bullshit. I tried the genius painter thing when I was in college, and I wasn’t any better at it than you were. Actually, I was probably a little better. But that’s not the point. The point is that it isn’t right for you and never was, and you only did it to get away from your mom and me and that house. Can’t say I blame you for that. I was a real asshole sometimes, that’s for sure, and your mother was too. But now you’re thirty years old (maybe more, depending on how quickly I knock off) and it’s time to get your act together, like it or not. God knows what a pain in the ass that is, so here’s your chance to do it the easy way.
    Why me? you’re