Read Online The Foul Mouth and the Fanged Lady by Richard Raley - Free Book Online Page A

trouble.
    The darkness said hello .
    “Fucking vampire?” I said aloud as my legs
joined the party and popped me back up on my feet. “A real fucking vampire?”
    Her hand flourished to draw attention to her
lips. “I’d show my fangs, but we don’t actually have them. It’s
actually one of the more disgusting myths you humans have created
about us I’ve always thought.”
    “Fucking vampire . . .” I said again.
    Damned if I’d ever thought I’d really see
one. Ceinwyn told me to leave them alone, so I left them alone.
Weres too. ‘ Leave politics to the professionals, King
Henry ,’ that’s what she’d said. They were around somewhere . .
. just like homeless people or gangs or drug dealers are around
somewhere, but I didn’t want to have to deal with Vamps and Weres
just like normal people don’t want to have to deal with the other
problems. My shop was enough worry. I figured I’d leave the
supernatural treaties to the Asylum’s ESLED—Elementalist Security
and Law Enforcement Department.
    “Are you properly scared now, little mancer?
Will you come without any more complaining?” Anne grinned a
mouthful of normal white teeth just to further prove her point
about the lack of fangs. “I promise I won’t bite unless you ask for
it. Deal?”
    I resorted to my most tried and true
reaction straight from my childhood. “Fuck. You. Bitch.” I even
pointed with each word.
    She shrugged, unconcerned with my puffed up
bravado. “I don’t want to beat you senseless, but I will. You don’t
exactly scare me . . . perhaps you’re not a crusty old man like
most Artificers, but . . . come now. You run a shop, don’t you?
Straight out of school, don’t know how the world really works. Just
living inside their lies, thinking you’re in on the secrets. Do you
think you stand any chance against me, scared little boy?”
    “That’s right . . .” I agreed with her first
comment, fists coming up to a normal stance. It’d been awhile . . .
still felt good . . . always felt good . Fighter’s
stance with my fists up . . . no anima conversion formulas here. No
debt or ledgers either. Just me and her. Easy problem to solve.
Right that moment, instantaneous gratification, not some day in the
unknown future. “I’m not a crusty old Artificer working for the
cocksucking Guild. I run a shop and you damaged my property. So
let’s dance our little dance, Annie B. I won’t even use the Mancy
to throw you out the door. Nothing but my hands.”
    Some kind of freaky groan escaped her, her
eyelashes flickering and her tongue arching out to touch her top
lip. “Well, well . . . now I know why you get the girls. So very tough . . . do you vibrate too?”
    My jab at her face caught only air.
    Newsflash—she was fast.
    We had a lesson on Vamps but you think I
could remember it in the moment? Just like all schooling: it
deserts you the moment you don’t need it for a test. Why should History of Elementalism be any different? I grasped at the
knowledge I knew was in there somewhere . . . but it was no good.
Everything went out of my head. Smart part, stupid part, all gone.
It was all instinct. It’s a fight and I’m King Henry
Price.
    It’s what I did .
    What . . . I did . . . after my jab
missed, was catch a kick to my hip that threw me sideways and
eventually returned me back down to my ass. Could have been worse.
At least I missed crashing into another shelf. Not that there
wasn’t a therapeutic aspect to smashing the crap, but I couldn’t
afford to keep it up. Shrinks cost less than broken antiques.
    Rolling over on my shoulder, I let out a
hurt gasp I couldn’t control. It was a strong kick . . . I got up
feeling it over most of my body.
    Annie B hadn’t even moved from her spot by
the register. I’d been flying around the store like a dumbass nerd
trying to fight a linebacker, but there she was, feet in the same
place, not a scratch on her, clothes still neat and tidy.
    “I’ve been doing this for longer