mail and saw a reminder of my biggest reason to stay clean and sober. There was an envelope from my baby Aubrey’s school, containing his report card.
He didn’t have straight A’s, but there were three A’s, and no C’s, D’s, or F’s, which meant he made the honor roll. While Aubrey had always been a good student, this was the first time I could say that I had played some part in his success. Before, he managed to get good grades even though his momma was a crackhead. Now he was getting even more A’s because his momma was a
recovered
crack addict, and I was able to help him with his schoolwork every night.
I was so proud of him—and of myself—that I felt like going to get him from his friend Jimmy’s house so we could take the bus over to Green Acres Mall. We could go to the twenty-four-hour Wal-Mart and buy him that PlayStation 3 he wanted. But as I headed up to my apartment, I decided against it, because if I bought it now, what would he have to look forward to on his birthday next week? But I was going to get rid of these drugs for him and make him some of the chocolate chip cookies he liked.
I entered the apartment and put down the mail. Still clutching my purse, I headed to the bathroom to destroy the temptation I carried. But before I made it out of the living room, the phone rang. When I saw Tanisha’s number on the caller ID, I stopped to answer it, eager to tell her about Aubrey’s great report card.
“So, how did it go, Momma? Should I start planning a wedding?” Tanisha asked before I even had a chance to finish the word
hello.
Her enthusiasm just squashed any joy I was feeling. My mind had gotten past the date that never happened with T.K., but it was still in the forefront of Tanisha’s thoughts. Her question brought me right back to where I started fifteen minutes ago, when I saw that woman in Thomas Kelly’s car. I squeezed the purse in my hands, thinking about what lay inside.
“Momma, you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. Your brother got a real good report card. He made honor roll,” I said, wishing I could have sounded as optimistic as I had just a few minutes ago.
“Oh, that’s great, Momma, but we can talk about that later. How’d everything go on your date with the bishop?”
I wasn’t really sure what to tell her. She’d been so excited about me and her father going out. The last thing she would want to hear was that my insecurity had gotten the best of me and that I’d left before the date even happened. But like I always said, if I owed her anything, I owed her the truth.
“I didn’t go. I stood him up,” I told her.
“What do you mean you stood him up? Momma, why would you stand the bishop up?”
“It’s a long story, Tanisha. Let’s just say we’re not right for each other.”
Sister Lisa Mae is a little more his style, I thought, feeling so stupid now. I never should have let myself be fooled by some damn letter supposedly written by a woman who’s been dead for half a year.
“That’s bull, Momma, and you know it. You told me you still love him.” Tanisha was not willing to let this go easily.
“Love ain’t got nothing to do with this, little girl. Your—”
She cut me off by raising her voice. “Love has everything to do with it, Momma. Jesus! How could you mess this up?”
Ignoring that she was speaking to me like I was the child, I tried to remain calm as I explained, “Things aren’t like they used to be when me and your father were kids, Tanisha. Your father’s a very complicated man with a very complicated job. The last thing he needs is my baggage.”
“Momma, I don’t understand. What baggage? You’re not smoking again, are you?”
I looked down at my purse and felt my insides tighten. If only Tanisha knew how close I had come to using again. “No, I’m not smoking,” I snapped, no longer calm. I knew I needed to get that shit down the toilet as quickly as possible. “And it’s fucked up that you thought
He didn’t have straight A’s, but there were three A’s, and no C’s, D’s, or F’s, which meant he made the honor roll. While Aubrey had always been a good student, this was the first time I could say that I had played some part in his success. Before, he managed to get good grades even though his momma was a crackhead. Now he was getting even more A’s because his momma was a
recovered
crack addict, and I was able to help him with his schoolwork every night.
I was so proud of him—and of myself—that I felt like going to get him from his friend Jimmy’s house so we could take the bus over to Green Acres Mall. We could go to the twenty-four-hour Wal-Mart and buy him that PlayStation 3 he wanted. But as I headed up to my apartment, I decided against it, because if I bought it now, what would he have to look forward to on his birthday next week? But I was going to get rid of these drugs for him and make him some of the chocolate chip cookies he liked.
I entered the apartment and put down the mail. Still clutching my purse, I headed to the bathroom to destroy the temptation I carried. But before I made it out of the living room, the phone rang. When I saw Tanisha’s number on the caller ID, I stopped to answer it, eager to tell her about Aubrey’s great report card.
“So, how did it go, Momma? Should I start planning a wedding?” Tanisha asked before I even had a chance to finish the word
hello.
Her enthusiasm just squashed any joy I was feeling. My mind had gotten past the date that never happened with T.K., but it was still in the forefront of Tanisha’s thoughts. Her question brought me right back to where I started fifteen minutes ago, when I saw that woman in Thomas Kelly’s car. I squeezed the purse in my hands, thinking about what lay inside.
“Momma, you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. Your brother got a real good report card. He made honor roll,” I said, wishing I could have sounded as optimistic as I had just a few minutes ago.
“Oh, that’s great, Momma, but we can talk about that later. How’d everything go on your date with the bishop?”
I wasn’t really sure what to tell her. She’d been so excited about me and her father going out. The last thing she would want to hear was that my insecurity had gotten the best of me and that I’d left before the date even happened. But like I always said, if I owed her anything, I owed her the truth.
“I didn’t go. I stood him up,” I told her.
“What do you mean you stood him up? Momma, why would you stand the bishop up?”
“It’s a long story, Tanisha. Let’s just say we’re not right for each other.”
Sister Lisa Mae is a little more his style, I thought, feeling so stupid now. I never should have let myself be fooled by some damn letter supposedly written by a woman who’s been dead for half a year.
“That’s bull, Momma, and you know it. You told me you still love him.” Tanisha was not willing to let this go easily.
“Love ain’t got nothing to do with this, little girl. Your—”
She cut me off by raising her voice. “Love has everything to do with it, Momma. Jesus! How could you mess this up?”
Ignoring that she was speaking to me like I was the child, I tried to remain calm as I explained, “Things aren’t like they used to be when me and your father were kids, Tanisha. Your father’s a very complicated man with a very complicated job. The last thing he needs is my baggage.”
“Momma, I don’t understand. What baggage? You’re not smoking again, are you?”
I looked down at my purse and felt my insides tighten. If only Tanisha knew how close I had come to using again. “No, I’m not smoking,” I snapped, no longer calm. I knew I needed to get that shit down the toilet as quickly as possible. “And it’s fucked up that you thought
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