smile, “I’d be willing to extend you some credit.”
“I don’t do drugs no more.” I said it with as much strength as I could muster, to convince myself as much as him that drugs were not what I needed. I started to walk away, but he followed me step for step.
“You sure, Ma? I got this new shit they call Monster. My customers are saying it’s the best shit they ever had. Each hit’s like your first.” Reggie stepped in front of me. “You remember your first hit, don’t you, Ma?”
I did remember my first hit. It was the one thing in my life I wished I could forget, because it haunted me like the plague. That first hit was the one that turned my entire life upside down and landed me where I was now, a recovering addict who had lost the love of her life because of drugs, still struggling daily just to stay away from the poison. But as bad as things turned out because of that first smoke, a part of me recalled it fondly. It’s hard to even describe how that first time makes you feel. Most addicts will tell you they spend the rest of their lives trying to relive that feeling, and I was no different. I was clean now, but something inside of me would always remember that first hit with longing. In a moment of weakness, it would be so easy to pick up another pipe to try again for that “first high” feeling. And the disappointment I’d suffered tonight was making me feel weak.
I started to roll my neck and swing my arms, motions that had become almost reflexes whenever I thought about getting high. The more Reggie talked, the weaker I became. I could almost feel the smoke filling my mouth and lungs. The only thing that was missing was the rush. I knew I had to get out of there, ‘cause I was starting to jones.
“Excuse me, Reggie.” I stepped around him and started to walk faster, but he must have known he’d gotten into my head because he kept pace with me once again. “Reggie, why are you following me? I told you I ain’t got no money, and you know there ain’t no such thing as credit.”
“Yeah, I know, but you gotta try this shit. Look, Ma, you know you want this, and I want you to have it. So, I’ll tell you what. You ain’t even gotta use it now. I’ll give you two for free.” He stuck out his hand as we walked. “Here.”
I looked down at the drugs in his hand and slowed my steps. I could feel the sweat forming on my brow as my conscience kicked into overdrive. I wanted to scream and run from the danger I knew I was in, yet part of me wanted to grab the drugs and take them with me. It was so much work resisting the temptation of crack every day, especially with people like Reggie constantly trying to get me started again.
I stared at Reggie for a long moment, wishing he would just disappear, before I finally sighed and said, “Okay, Reggie, you want me to take them from you? I’ll take them, but I’m telling you now, I’m gonna take them upstairs and flush them down the toilet, so don’t get your hopes up. I ain’t gonna be a return customer this time.” I took his packages and stuffed them into my purse, meaning every word I’d said. I was going to get rid of the drugs as soon as I got inside. Maybe then, the next time he saw me and I was still sober, this pain-in-the-ass dealer would know I meant what I said, and he’d stop trying to tempt me every time I stepped outside my damn door.
“Just remember, Ma, next time you pay!” he yelled, walking in the opposite direction. “Next time, you pay!”
As I entered my building, I felt like the drugs were burning a hole in my purse, sending out waves of desire to my brain. My hands shook as I put the key into my mailbox in the lobby. I could feel my resolve weakening, and now I wasn’t so certain I’d be able to flush the crack down the toilet when I got upstairs. I cursed myself for being stupid enough to even put my hands on the drugs I now had in my possession. But my strength to resist returned to me when I pulled out my
Charlotte Stein
Claude Lalumiere
Crystal L. Shaw
Romy Sommer
Clara Bayard
Lynda Hilburn
Rebecca Winters
Winter Raven
Meredith Duran
Saxon Andrew