Read Online The Fictional Man by Al Ewing - Free Book Online
Authors: Al Ewing
Tags: Science-Fiction
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DOLL:
Baby, anyone who says lips like yours were made for talking is a grade-A, certified nut.
KITTEN:
You’re quite the charmer, Mr Dalton Doll... Agent Of Y.V.O.O.R.G. That’s right, I know a few things about you, too.
KITTEN reaches into her BEE-HIVE HAIR-DO and removes a SMALL BUT DEADLY PISTOL. She AIMS IT at DOLL.
KITTEN:
Don’t move an inch.
DOLL:
Until a moment ago, I was moving several. That’s a pretty gun for a pretty girl, but don’t think I won’t take it away from you.
KITTEN:
You’d be wise not to try, Mr Doll. A single explosive bullet from this gun can kill a charging bull elephant - I’d hate to waste one killing you.
DOLL:
Well, I’m kind of like an elephant myself - in the trunk department. Listen, sweetness, you’re playing a dangerous game here and unlike that dress, it’s way too big for you. Why don’t you quit now before I have to get tough?
KITTEN:
Don’t be a fool. You honestly think you stand a chance against the might of F.L.O.O.Z.Y.? You’re nothing but a worm under our heel – and just like a worm, you’re for the birds, Dalton Doll. Now - take off your clothes.
(She smiles, EVILLY)
I want to personally search you for weapons.
DOLL:
(Hand moving to his CUFFLINK)
Start with this one, gorgeous –
He triggers the DART GUN hidden in his CUFFLINK and shoots a PARALYSING DART into her wrist.
KITTEN:
My arm! I can’t move it!
DOLL:
(taking the GUN from her)
That’s enough of that – now, talk! Where are F.L.O.O.Z.Y. holding the Dolly Birds? I know you’re up to your pretty green eyes in this caper, so spill!
(he SLAPS her, hard)
Come on, spill it! Talk!
(he SLAPS her again)
I said talk, sister! Tell me! Now!
(he SLAPS her again)
– at which point the phone rang.
T HE FIRST THING Niles had done after coming home from the bar the night before was to download a copy of The Delicious Mr Doll ,which he hadn’t gotten more than fifteen minutes into before falling asleep. The next morning, after breakfast, he decided to tackle it fresh, with his notebook in hand. He made a couple of vague notes during the credit sequence, a self-consciously psychedelic affair involving each member of The All Together playing their instruments over a flashing pastel-coloured background, but after that he’d become absorbed in the story – such as it was – and in his own memories of adolescence. The notebook lay forgotten on the coffee table in front of him.
When Dalton Doll’s ‘pleasure pad’ first appeared on the screen, with his mini-harem of Dolly Birds fussing about him in their oddly shapeless ’sixties dresses, Niles found himself smiling fondly, if a little ruefully. As a teenager, it had been his idea of a dream home – at the time he might as well have wanted a base on the moon, but now that he looked around his apartment, at the striking minimalist furniture and the Richard Hamilton prints on the wall, he had to admit he’d come fairly close. He might not have a hat stand he could summon from the floor or a zebra-skin love seat he could drop from the ceiling, but he had an espresso machine and a lava lamp, and if he didn’t have a harem yet it was hardly for want of trying.
The thought jarred. Was he trying? Not to get a harem, for God’s sake, that was ridiculous, but just to – well, get involved with someone? Meet new people? To, to put it bluntly, get laid?
It had been three years since the divorce – and the unpleasantness that had triggered it – and the realisation hit him that he hadn’t made a serious effort to meet anyone in all that time, which was... bizarre, considering how he’d behaved before then. He’d mostly been working on his novels, or spending time with Bob and – some of his other friends had stuck around, surely? – or he’d been having his therapy sessions with Ralph. What social life he had aside
DOLL:
Baby, anyone who says lips like yours were made for talking is a grade-A, certified nut.
KITTEN:
You’re quite the charmer, Mr Dalton Doll... Agent Of Y.V.O.O.R.G. That’s right, I know a few things about you, too.
KITTEN reaches into her BEE-HIVE HAIR-DO and removes a SMALL BUT DEADLY PISTOL. She AIMS IT at DOLL.
KITTEN:
Don’t move an inch.
DOLL:
Until a moment ago, I was moving several. That’s a pretty gun for a pretty girl, but don’t think I won’t take it away from you.
KITTEN:
You’d be wise not to try, Mr Doll. A single explosive bullet from this gun can kill a charging bull elephant - I’d hate to waste one killing you.
DOLL:
Well, I’m kind of like an elephant myself - in the trunk department. Listen, sweetness, you’re playing a dangerous game here and unlike that dress, it’s way too big for you. Why don’t you quit now before I have to get tough?
KITTEN:
Don’t be a fool. You honestly think you stand a chance against the might of F.L.O.O.Z.Y.? You’re nothing but a worm under our heel – and just like a worm, you’re for the birds, Dalton Doll. Now - take off your clothes.
(She smiles, EVILLY)
I want to personally search you for weapons.
DOLL:
(Hand moving to his CUFFLINK)
Start with this one, gorgeous –
He triggers the DART GUN hidden in his CUFFLINK and shoots a PARALYSING DART into her wrist.
KITTEN:
My arm! I can’t move it!
DOLL:
(taking the GUN from her)
That’s enough of that – now, talk! Where are F.L.O.O.Z.Y. holding the Dolly Birds? I know you’re up to your pretty green eyes in this caper, so spill!
(he SLAPS her, hard)
Come on, spill it! Talk!
(he SLAPS her again)
I said talk, sister! Tell me! Now!
(he SLAPS her again)
– at which point the phone rang.
T HE FIRST THING Niles had done after coming home from the bar the night before was to download a copy of The Delicious Mr Doll ,which he hadn’t gotten more than fifteen minutes into before falling asleep. The next morning, after breakfast, he decided to tackle it fresh, with his notebook in hand. He made a couple of vague notes during the credit sequence, a self-consciously psychedelic affair involving each member of The All Together playing their instruments over a flashing pastel-coloured background, but after that he’d become absorbed in the story – such as it was – and in his own memories of adolescence. The notebook lay forgotten on the coffee table in front of him.
When Dalton Doll’s ‘pleasure pad’ first appeared on the screen, with his mini-harem of Dolly Birds fussing about him in their oddly shapeless ’sixties dresses, Niles found himself smiling fondly, if a little ruefully. As a teenager, it had been his idea of a dream home – at the time he might as well have wanted a base on the moon, but now that he looked around his apartment, at the striking minimalist furniture and the Richard Hamilton prints on the wall, he had to admit he’d come fairly close. He might not have a hat stand he could summon from the floor or a zebra-skin love seat he could drop from the ceiling, but he had an espresso machine and a lava lamp, and if he didn’t have a harem yet it was hardly for want of trying.
The thought jarred. Was he trying? Not to get a harem, for God’s sake, that was ridiculous, but just to – well, get involved with someone? Meet new people? To, to put it bluntly, get laid?
It had been three years since the divorce – and the unpleasantness that had triggered it – and the realisation hit him that he hadn’t made a serious effort to meet anyone in all that time, which was... bizarre, considering how he’d behaved before then. He’d mostly been working on his novels, or spending time with Bob and – some of his other friends had stuck around, surely? – or he’d been having his therapy sessions with Ralph. What social life he had aside
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