the banks for causing such a disturbance around Barnavara Crescent, that’s all.’
‘He certainly did give them down the banks,’ said Katie. ‘Like, literally.’
Kyna hesitated for a moment, and then she said, much more quietly, ‘We’ve finished searching his house, too.’
‘I should have known it was him,’ said Katie. ‘I think I guessed it had to be him. But he seemed like such a good man.’
‘I think he is a good man,’ said Kyna. ‘Sometimes good men get pushed into doing bad things, don’t they, because it seems like that’s the only way they’re going to get justice?’
‘That wasn’t justice. That was revenge. And I should have seen it coming and prevented it.’
Kyna came up and handed her a folded sheet of paper. ‘Read this,’ she said. ‘It was pinned to the noticeboard in Fergus’s kitchen, so he clearly intended us to find it. Maybe it’ll stop you from being so hard on yourself.’
The note was written by hand, in very small rounded writing, the kind of script that was taught at school.
It said:
Darling Pa, please don’t be angry with me. I know what I am going to do will break your heart but I am finding it impossible to go on. I keep trying to think of a way out but there isn’t one. I can’t go back to what I was and I can’t go forward because of what has been done to me. I am not Caoimhe any longer. I am just some dirty used doll that can only be thrown away. How can I give myself to a loving husband now? How can I walk down the aisle wearing a snow-white dress when I am no longer a virgin? Worse than losing my virginity once, I have lost it again and again, so many times that I can’t even count myself, and in ways that I can’t even tell you about because I am so ashamed.
It happened that night when I was supposed to go to Rearden’s with Sean and Megan and Bryan. At the last minute they couldn’t make it because Sean and Megan’s grandma got sick and they had to go to Watergrasshill to see her. I didn’t tell you because I had never been to Rearden’s before and I wanted to go so much, even if it was on my own.
I started off having a good time because I met these five boys I know. You know two of them, yourself, Tadgh Buckley and Aidan O’Reilly. The other ones were Darragh O’Connor and Conor and Stevey Martin. We had some drinks and a dance and three other boys joined us. They were students from UCC, they said, and I thought they were fun too. One of them was called Ruarí and he seemed to be the boss of them. I didn’t like him so much because he had really white eyelashes like a pig and he was fierce full of himself, but I am sorry to tell you Pa that I had drunk a few Jägerbombs and I wasn’t thinking straight at all.
When Rearden’s was about to close Ruarí said that there was a party at some student’s digs at Abbeyville. I should have gone home then Pa but they said we would all have a fantastic time.
They took me to Abbeyville but there was no party when we got there, only me and all of these boys. They said the party was going to start in a minute and they gave me more to drink and then they took me into the bedroom. I am not going to tell you what happened next because you will cry like I am crying now when I am writing you this.
I beg beg beg you not to tell anybody why I have decided that this is my only way out. I have suffered enough shame already without the whole world knowing why.
I love you so much dearest Pa and I know that when I am gone you will have nobody. But Ma and me we will both be looking down on you from Heaven and making sure that you are okay I promise you. XXXXX forever your Caoimhe.
Katie put down the note and looked up at Kyna.
‘She hanged herself,’ said Kyna. ‘Fergus said nothing about this letter at the inquest. He told the coroner that she had never really got over her mother dying of cancer.’
*
Fergus was waiting patiently in the interview room when Katie walked in. He looked as calm and
‘He certainly did give them down the banks,’ said Katie. ‘Like, literally.’
Kyna hesitated for a moment, and then she said, much more quietly, ‘We’ve finished searching his house, too.’
‘I should have known it was him,’ said Katie. ‘I think I guessed it had to be him. But he seemed like such a good man.’
‘I think he is a good man,’ said Kyna. ‘Sometimes good men get pushed into doing bad things, don’t they, because it seems like that’s the only way they’re going to get justice?’
‘That wasn’t justice. That was revenge. And I should have seen it coming and prevented it.’
Kyna came up and handed her a folded sheet of paper. ‘Read this,’ she said. ‘It was pinned to the noticeboard in Fergus’s kitchen, so he clearly intended us to find it. Maybe it’ll stop you from being so hard on yourself.’
The note was written by hand, in very small rounded writing, the kind of script that was taught at school.
It said:
Darling Pa, please don’t be angry with me. I know what I am going to do will break your heart but I am finding it impossible to go on. I keep trying to think of a way out but there isn’t one. I can’t go back to what I was and I can’t go forward because of what has been done to me. I am not Caoimhe any longer. I am just some dirty used doll that can only be thrown away. How can I give myself to a loving husband now? How can I walk down the aisle wearing a snow-white dress when I am no longer a virgin? Worse than losing my virginity once, I have lost it again and again, so many times that I can’t even count myself, and in ways that I can’t even tell you about because I am so ashamed.
It happened that night when I was supposed to go to Rearden’s with Sean and Megan and Bryan. At the last minute they couldn’t make it because Sean and Megan’s grandma got sick and they had to go to Watergrasshill to see her. I didn’t tell you because I had never been to Rearden’s before and I wanted to go so much, even if it was on my own.
I started off having a good time because I met these five boys I know. You know two of them, yourself, Tadgh Buckley and Aidan O’Reilly. The other ones were Darragh O’Connor and Conor and Stevey Martin. We had some drinks and a dance and three other boys joined us. They were students from UCC, they said, and I thought they were fun too. One of them was called Ruarí and he seemed to be the boss of them. I didn’t like him so much because he had really white eyelashes like a pig and he was fierce full of himself, but I am sorry to tell you Pa that I had drunk a few Jägerbombs and I wasn’t thinking straight at all.
When Rearden’s was about to close Ruarí said that there was a party at some student’s digs at Abbeyville. I should have gone home then Pa but they said we would all have a fantastic time.
They took me to Abbeyville but there was no party when we got there, only me and all of these boys. They said the party was going to start in a minute and they gave me more to drink and then they took me into the bedroom. I am not going to tell you what happened next because you will cry like I am crying now when I am writing you this.
I beg beg beg you not to tell anybody why I have decided that this is my only way out. I have suffered enough shame already without the whole world knowing why.
I love you so much dearest Pa and I know that when I am gone you will have nobody. But Ma and me we will both be looking down on you from Heaven and making sure that you are okay I promise you. XXXXX forever your Caoimhe.
Katie put down the note and looked up at Kyna.
‘She hanged herself,’ said Kyna. ‘Fergus said nothing about this letter at the inquest. He told the coroner that she had never really got over her mother dying of cancer.’
*
Fergus was waiting patiently in the interview room when Katie walked in. He looked as calm and
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