sick.’
‘No! Thanks, but I’m fine.’ I’m fine. This is fine. Nothing is going to come of this because he’s not going tocall.
He’s too handsome, too nice, we get on too well and if history has taught me anything it’s that I am one of those women whom it does not work out for. I’m not being a fatalist or melodramatic – it’s just that some women (whether they’re lovely or complete bitches) end up with a beautiful house and a good husband and excellent tableware – and some don’t: I’m one of the ones who don’t. Oneof the ones to whom people say, ‘I don’t understand why it hasn’t worked out for you.’ And ‘I’m sure the right guy will turn up when you least expect it.’ And ‘But you seem fine being single, anyway.’
And I am fine being single, anyway. So when he doesn’t call, this will be fine.
This will all be fine.
6
‘That’s cheered me right up!’ says Roger, thumping his fist on his desk and laughing.
‘What do you mean? It’s a nightmare.’
‘Nonsense! It must be destiny. Have you read your horoscope this morning?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Though of course I have. Well, that’s a lie – I couldn’t wait until this morning, I read it as soon as I got home last night. Shelley von Strunckel is never wrong !
Theevents triggered by Thursday’s alliance between your ruler, the Sun, and Venus, should convince you, despite reservations, to go along with developments. You won’t regret it.
‘So when are you meeting him?’
‘He’s suggested breakfast this week but I’m going to say no.’
‘You told me he was funny and handsome and charming and really got you . . . and you couldn’t look at me when you said any ofthose things.’
I pull the neck of my jumper up over my chin in the hope it might prevent me saying anything more incriminating.
‘So what exactly is the problem?’
‘Roger, are you winding me up?’
‘Parker, I have had the pleasure of your professional company for four years and two months, over the course of which you have mentioned a few suitors, none noteworthy as far as I recall. Your facehas never lit up the way it did just now.’
‘Yeah, fine, so I like him. And that’s the problem, this review is going to screw him over.’
‘It’s not like he owns the restaurant – chefs move around all the time. You know what Elbert Hubbard would say?’
‘Here we go . . .’
‘“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually afraid you will make one . . .”’
‘I’m not afraid ! I just don’twant to get into a Fergus-style situation. I have boundaries.’
‘What has this got to do with Fergus?’
‘There are parallels . . .’
‘If anything you’re doing the opposite.’
‘I suppose . . .’ I say, pulling at the bottom of my jumper and noticing a new set of moth holes, like a staple wound.
‘Besides, you didn’t sleep with him already did you?’
‘Roger! We went for a movie and then into Chinatown.We haven’t even kissed.’
‘Exactly! Fergus would have gone in for a quickie round the back of the Wong Kei.’
‘Fine, well I’m not quite Fergus. But what if I end up seeing this guy properly?’
‘Don’t you think this conversation is a little premature?’
‘Shall we have it after I’ve had three rounds of boiled eggs and soldiers?’
‘You don’t need to confess all on the first date, there is somethingto be said for the gradual reveal.’
‘I think he might be rather short . . . like, five foot nine.’
Roger coughs loudly.
‘I never think of you as short Roger, I mean, you have presence!’
‘Given this chap’s cooking, I’d be more worried about his lack of talent than height.’
‘Exactly! Which brings me back to the problem: my review, his food – it’s a clear conflict of interest.’
‘For goodnesssake, it’s breakfast. Why do women worry so much about everything?’
‘Because men don’t worry enough about anything?’
‘Meet him.’
‘I don’t
‘No! Thanks, but I’m fine.’ I’m fine. This is fine. Nothing is going to come of this because he’s not going tocall.
He’s too handsome, too nice, we get on too well and if history has taught me anything it’s that I am one of those women whom it does not work out for. I’m not being a fatalist or melodramatic – it’s just that some women (whether they’re lovely or complete bitches) end up with a beautiful house and a good husband and excellent tableware – and some don’t: I’m one of the ones who don’t. Oneof the ones to whom people say, ‘I don’t understand why it hasn’t worked out for you.’ And ‘I’m sure the right guy will turn up when you least expect it.’ And ‘But you seem fine being single, anyway.’
And I am fine being single, anyway. So when he doesn’t call, this will be fine.
This will all be fine.
6
‘That’s cheered me right up!’ says Roger, thumping his fist on his desk and laughing.
‘What do you mean? It’s a nightmare.’
‘Nonsense! It must be destiny. Have you read your horoscope this morning?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Though of course I have. Well, that’s a lie – I couldn’t wait until this morning, I read it as soon as I got home last night. Shelley von Strunckel is never wrong !
Theevents triggered by Thursday’s alliance between your ruler, the Sun, and Venus, should convince you, despite reservations, to go along with developments. You won’t regret it.
‘So when are you meeting him?’
‘He’s suggested breakfast this week but I’m going to say no.’
‘You told me he was funny and handsome and charming and really got you . . . and you couldn’t look at me when you said any ofthose things.’
I pull the neck of my jumper up over my chin in the hope it might prevent me saying anything more incriminating.
‘So what exactly is the problem?’
‘Roger, are you winding me up?’
‘Parker, I have had the pleasure of your professional company for four years and two months, over the course of which you have mentioned a few suitors, none noteworthy as far as I recall. Your facehas never lit up the way it did just now.’
‘Yeah, fine, so I like him. And that’s the problem, this review is going to screw him over.’
‘It’s not like he owns the restaurant – chefs move around all the time. You know what Elbert Hubbard would say?’
‘Here we go . . .’
‘“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually afraid you will make one . . .”’
‘I’m not afraid ! I just don’twant to get into a Fergus-style situation. I have boundaries.’
‘What has this got to do with Fergus?’
‘There are parallels . . .’
‘If anything you’re doing the opposite.’
‘I suppose . . .’ I say, pulling at the bottom of my jumper and noticing a new set of moth holes, like a staple wound.
‘Besides, you didn’t sleep with him already did you?’
‘Roger! We went for a movie and then into Chinatown.We haven’t even kissed.’
‘Exactly! Fergus would have gone in for a quickie round the back of the Wong Kei.’
‘Fine, well I’m not quite Fergus. But what if I end up seeing this guy properly?’
‘Don’t you think this conversation is a little premature?’
‘Shall we have it after I’ve had three rounds of boiled eggs and soldiers?’
‘You don’t need to confess all on the first date, there is somethingto be said for the gradual reveal.’
‘I think he might be rather short . . . like, five foot nine.’
Roger coughs loudly.
‘I never think of you as short Roger, I mean, you have presence!’
‘Given this chap’s cooking, I’d be more worried about his lack of talent than height.’
‘Exactly! Which brings me back to the problem: my review, his food – it’s a clear conflict of interest.’
‘For goodnesssake, it’s breakfast. Why do women worry so much about everything?’
‘Because men don’t worry enough about anything?’
‘Meet him.’
‘I don’t
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