Read Online The Death of Pie by Tamar Myers - Free Book Online Page A

to push it back to its original spot on my face.
    â€˜I can see that it is Hernia’s one police cruiser,’ Agnes snapped, ‘but what on earth are you doing with it?’
    â€˜Ah, that,’ I said. ‘Well, you see, our illustrious author’s death has now officially been ruled a murder, and—’
    â€˜Wait,’ Agnes said, ‘let me guess: Toy, the boy, feels that his status as an outsider will be a disadvantage for him in solving the case. You, on the other hand, have roots in this community that go back to the time when Moses gurgled in the bulrushes, not to mention that your size twelve gumshoes have gum all over their soles from prior cases that you’ve successfully cracked. Am I right, or what?’
    I snorted irritably, despite my normally cheerful demeanour. ‘You are irreverent, wrong, and right – in that order. I wear a size eleven shoe.’
    Agnes was unapologetic. ‘Ha, I’m mostly right! So now I’ll guess something else: I’m on your list of suspects, aren’t I?’
    â€˜How did you know?’ I said. But it was a silly question.
    â€˜Hmm, let me see,’ Agnes said as she slipped into the front passenger seat unbidden. ‘The meanest writer in America publishes a book in which she makes a ton of cutting remarks about me being fat, my loser personality and my crazy naked uncles, then the book becomes a huge bestseller, and then she has the audacity to come back to the scene of the crime to strut her stuff under the guise of judging our pie festival. Who wouldn’t kill her, if they were me? Oh, I know that you wouldn’t, because you’re close to perfect, but I’m not! And besides, since you showed up driving the cruiser, and offering to let me lay my “hoary” head upon your shoulder despite the fact you have, like, major touch issues – well, there you have it.’
    â€˜Harrumph,’ I said. ‘Now let me call Freni and tell her that we’ll be going to the Sausage Barn for lunch.’
    â€˜No need to call her, Mags. Like I said, she won’t mind.’
    Who was Agnes trying to kid? Freni is about as fond of change as a cat is of swimming lessons. Nevertheless, I managed to reach Freni on my car phone.
    â€˜Ach! What am I supposed to do with enough stew for ten people?’
    â€˜What were you going to do with it anyway?’ I said calmly. ‘One less person won’t make that big a difference.’
    â€˜Yah, maybe,’ Freni said, ‘but that Agnes Miller can eat enough for six people. I tell you what, Magdalena, you bring Agnes home with you for supper and that will fix our problem.’
    â€˜I heard that!’ Agnes shrieked. For a woman who hovers around the half-century mark, Agnes can emit sounds almost as deafening, and every bit as annoying, as a five-year-old girl on a playground.
    â€˜Ach,’ said Freni, ‘it is the smoke alarm. I must go.’
    â€˜It’s Agnes; you just tripped her offense alarm.’
    â€˜Now is not the time for riddles, Magdalena,’ Freni said with surprising sternness. The woman who had practically raised me almost never raises her voice to Yours Truly.
    â€˜I’m speaking on the car phone, dear,’ I said. ‘Agnes heard you call her “fat.”’
    â€˜But I did not call her fat; I inferred it.’
    â€˜That’s right, Magdalena,’ Agnes said. ‘She only inferred it. You are the one who just now called me fat.’
    â€˜ Oy vey! ’ I cried. ‘I can’t win for losing.’
    â€˜ Ach du Leiber! ’ Freni said. ‘You are driving me up the walls.’
    â€˜I believe that would be just one wall, dear,’ I said.
    â€˜No,’ Freni said, without missing a beat. ‘Already it has been two walls, Magdalena, and it is not yet noon.’
    â€˜Surely you jest,’ I said.
    â€˜Now it is three walls.’
    â€˜You go, girl,’ said