good it feels. To wipe something out. To wipe something out completely.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because you’ve never done it.”
“Where did it happen?”
“In the outskirts of the city, Blackheath way, on a lonely road … the light pollution from the city filling the night sky in the distance. It looked like it had been painted on by some amateur.”
“What did?”
“The light in the sky in the distance. It looked faked,
inauthentic
… I loved it because it was still real.”
“Do you know anything about him?”
“The man?”
“Yes, the
man
.”
“I know lots. Before I hit him I knew nothing. Now I know everything. It was in the papers, on the local news. I found out all I needed to know about him.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I
had
to … I’ve never been caught. No one knows it was me. I have escaped my punishment … for the time being, anyhow. I needed to find out about him in order to understand his life … He was a pointless man, a meaningless human being. One of many. A security guard at a bank in the city. He’d worked there for twenty years. He was divorced, a small family. He was close to his son and a couple of lifelong friends he used to drink with. He was a season ticket holder at Charlton FC. That’s it.”
“What was his name?”
“Haven’t you listened to a
word
I’ve said to you?”
“Yes, that’s why I ask.”
“T____ E_____”
“Don’t you feel any guilt?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know … Maybe I’m scared?”
“Just tell me why you did it.”
“I had to do it. I saw him and … I had to obliterate him from my life. I had to make him obsolete. There was no other option … It felt good, butterflies in my stomach, that type of thing, some call it a
buzz
… My god, the sound of the engine as I approached him, dropping a gear, there was nothing I could do except hit him.”
“Stop!”
“Why?”
“It’s just too awful. You killed a man!”
“
He was already dead before I hit him
.”
“What does that mean?”
“He didn’t matter.
We
don’t matter. If you could have felt what I felt behind that wheel—just the rumble, the slight tremor of surface movement, of things, bitumen, passing beneath me. The speed … the engine growling … We are limited. We need something more, we need that added extra in life. Technology provides all we need. Technology dominates a large part of our unique relationship with the exterior world. I have never wanted to hide behind technology. I have always wanted to use it, to control it, to display it. It has always puzzled me why one would want to hide one’s hearing aid away from the world. Why do that? Do you understand? It is an extension. That’s all. Part of us … All of us should understand that technology will be the death of us, not our saviour … It’s leaving us all behind. I am just repeating the obvious.”
“Just please explain to me what happened on the night you hit him?”
“I
am
. I had an argument …”
“With him?”
“No, with the man I was seeing at that time. A good man, a man who knew nothing other than working hard for a living, providing for those he loved. A man who bought what he was told to buy. A man who simply lived. A goodman. We argued … We hated each other, we wanted no part in each other. So I got in my car. I got away from him … I’ve never seen him since. I think.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve never wanted to, that’s why.”
“You said
I think
…”
“…”
“So you have seen him since?”
“…”
“I thought so.”
“But I’m not lying to you. This is the truth. I’ve never told anyone this before. I was driving …
away
… I just wanted to get away from him. I was taken by the views of the city. I could see everything there was to see. It was all sprawled out before me. I was alive. I felt connected to the night. My TT. Me, alone, away from him … And then I saw him, he
“Why’s that?”
“Because you’ve never done it.”
“Where did it happen?”
“In the outskirts of the city, Blackheath way, on a lonely road … the light pollution from the city filling the night sky in the distance. It looked like it had been painted on by some amateur.”
“What did?”
“The light in the sky in the distance. It looked faked,
inauthentic
… I loved it because it was still real.”
“Do you know anything about him?”
“The man?”
“Yes, the
man
.”
“I know lots. Before I hit him I knew nothing. Now I know everything. It was in the papers, on the local news. I found out all I needed to know about him.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I
had
to … I’ve never been caught. No one knows it was me. I have escaped my punishment … for the time being, anyhow. I needed to find out about him in order to understand his life … He was a pointless man, a meaningless human being. One of many. A security guard at a bank in the city. He’d worked there for twenty years. He was divorced, a small family. He was close to his son and a couple of lifelong friends he used to drink with. He was a season ticket holder at Charlton FC. That’s it.”
“What was his name?”
“Haven’t you listened to a
word
I’ve said to you?”
“Yes, that’s why I ask.”
“T____ E_____”
“Don’t you feel any guilt?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know … Maybe I’m scared?”
“Just tell me why you did it.”
“I had to do it. I saw him and … I had to obliterate him from my life. I had to make him obsolete. There was no other option … It felt good, butterflies in my stomach, that type of thing, some call it a
buzz
… My god, the sound of the engine as I approached him, dropping a gear, there was nothing I could do except hit him.”
“Stop!”
“Why?”
“It’s just too awful. You killed a man!”
“
He was already dead before I hit him
.”
“What does that mean?”
“He didn’t matter.
We
don’t matter. If you could have felt what I felt behind that wheel—just the rumble, the slight tremor of surface movement, of things, bitumen, passing beneath me. The speed … the engine growling … We are limited. We need something more, we need that added extra in life. Technology provides all we need. Technology dominates a large part of our unique relationship with the exterior world. I have never wanted to hide behind technology. I have always wanted to use it, to control it, to display it. It has always puzzled me why one would want to hide one’s hearing aid away from the world. Why do that? Do you understand? It is an extension. That’s all. Part of us … All of us should understand that technology will be the death of us, not our saviour … It’s leaving us all behind. I am just repeating the obvious.”
“Just please explain to me what happened on the night you hit him?”
“I
am
. I had an argument …”
“With him?”
“No, with the man I was seeing at that time. A good man, a man who knew nothing other than working hard for a living, providing for those he loved. A man who bought what he was told to buy. A man who simply lived. A goodman. We argued … We hated each other, we wanted no part in each other. So I got in my car. I got away from him … I’ve never seen him since. I think.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve never wanted to, that’s why.”
“You said
I think
…”
“…”
“So you have seen him since?”
“…”
“I thought so.”
“But I’m not lying to you. This is the truth. I’ve never told anyone this before. I was driving …
away
… I just wanted to get away from him. I was taken by the views of the city. I could see everything there was to see. It was all sprawled out before me. I was alive. I felt connected to the night. My TT. Me, alone, away from him … And then I saw him, he
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