boys find that sort of thing a bonding experience. Both of our parents ended up bonding as well, becoming great friends. We spent summers together, holidays, had many backyard BBQ’s, our dads went on fishing trips and I was basically on the road to growing up before their eyes. I don’t remember a time as a child where Mr. and Mrs. Ackles and their son Julian were not a part of our lives. Even when we were not all together as a family Julian was over to play or my mom and Mrs. Ackles were getting smashed on Pinot Grigio sharing mommy war stories and recipes in the kitchen. Julian and Nicolai had many more moments of not getting along, they were more like brothers than they were friends, just as brothers and sister fought, so did they. Once they hit Jr. High however the arguments and fights slowed because they became more interested in girls and football. I loved Julian even then; he was a lot nicer to me than Nicolai who seemed to get a kick out of tearing the heads off of my Barbie dolls. He would talk to me like I was a normal person and not just some annoying little kid. When Nicolai would get called away by mom to set the table or take out the trash he would sit down and play with me. Most of the time we would color but on occasion we had tea parties and played with my Barbie dolls. You would think he would want to be Ken but that wasn’t the case, nope, Julian preferred Skipper. “I want to be the awesome one, how could anyone not be awesome with a name like Skipper? Skipper just bleeds happy.” But then Nicolai would come in, make fun of Julian for playing with babies and dolls, pull Skipper’s head off and tell me to scram. It did not even matter if I was in my own room, I scrammed. Don’t get me wrong, besides his annoying faults Nicolai was an awesome brother, he just suffered from what I like to call “big boy syndrome”. Meaning when a friend was over he insisted on becoming alpha male and asserting dominance over the weaker party. It didn’t matter if that weaker party was his baby sister as long as he got to show off in front of his friends. But if any of his friends made fun of me or followed suit in ripping the heads off of my dolls they ended up never coming back: Nicolai would ball his fist up tight and punch them dead in the jaw every time. He would still hang out with these boys at the play ground, parties and school but they were never asked to come over again. When my mom would ask about these so-called friends Nicolai would inform her that he did not want them in his house because only he got to pick on his baby sister “It’ll make her strong mom! One day she’ll need to be strong because boys are dumb. It’s my job as her big brother to show her how dumb...” he would argue. His words about how dumb boys could be stuck with me to this very day. Sometimes I wonder if things would have ended up the same way had Julian stayed with his cousins in Montgomery instead of going back to Puerto Rico. My dad loved Julian like his own son and when he never came back I know he felt as if he had lost two children that day. Not only that but he lost one of his closest friends when Howard was killed. My dad had nobody but my mother to hold him together and she had her own pain to contend with, her loss was equal to his, both of them losing close friends and a son in a single day. My mother was the more interesting of the two, always smiling as if nothing happened. But no matter how many fake smiles she plastered on her face I knew she was dying inside. I felt it with each middle of the night hug, and every second that my own pain went unnoticed. I never got to mourn Nicolai’s passing and I never got to miss Julian. My heart was completely broken, the world as I knew it was gone and nobody seemed to care about anyone but themselves. Thus began my never ending struggle with putting my head up my own ass because it seemed for a long time I was the only one I could lean on.